Dark Spring
Sobreviviendo
- Sep 29, 2020
- 116
I am very exhausted, I tried to recover but I don't think my therapy is improving, with my psychologist I have a good conversation, quite fluid and I feel comfortable talking to her, at first I cried from beginning to end of the appointment, now I talk calmly but I think it is because I am already accepting my state and I don't want to raise suspicions about my desire for CTB.
I feel totally useless, my antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications are no longer sufficient, I do not sleep well at night (I can barely fall asleep around 4am, to wake up at 7:30am to study), during the day I am super tired and I cannot concentrate on anything I do. I just feel like I'm failing at everything, that I'm a burden to my family and I can't give them anything.
Every ten minutes I think about what method I'm going to use, what day it might be, I'd like it to be in the fall or spring. I want to plan everything perfectly so that there are no failures, I know that it is complicated but I want to plan absolutely everything, to have it ready until the day comes to carry it out. I think about writing some farewell letters and having them ready for the occasion.
Maybe I'm having just a few really bad days, maybe the day will feel better and I won't want CTB anymore, but it's really so uncertain in my head that I don't know if I can get out. At least I have a place to blow off some steam.
Why does it have to be so painful to want to die? Aren't we masters of our own lives? And we can choose when and how to leave. I wish there was a peaceful way out of this hell
I feel totally useless, my antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications are no longer sufficient, I do not sleep well at night (I can barely fall asleep around 4am, to wake up at 7:30am to study), during the day I am super tired and I cannot concentrate on anything I do. I just feel like I'm failing at everything, that I'm a burden to my family and I can't give them anything.
Every ten minutes I think about what method I'm going to use, what day it might be, I'd like it to be in the fall or spring. I want to plan everything perfectly so that there are no failures, I know that it is complicated but I want to plan absolutely everything, to have it ready until the day comes to carry it out. I think about writing some farewell letters and having them ready for the occasion.
Maybe I'm having just a few really bad days, maybe the day will feel better and I won't want CTB anymore, but it's really so uncertain in my head that I don't know if I can get out. At least I have a place to blow off some steam.
Why does it have to be so painful to want to die? Aren't we masters of our own lives? And we can choose when and how to leave. I wish there was a peaceful way out of this hell