I feel terrible

[fleshgarden]

I should have never ever opened up for how much I want to die to my girlfriend. the last thing I needed to get rid of was hope for the future and I got it, until I told her how that made me want to die and then we talked about it and now I'm supposed to live for 2 more years and I'm supposed to have hope. I don't want to stay like this for 2 more years. I want to die. I promised her that I would because I'd feel terrible to give her so much grief if what she said was true. I wish she would accept that what is good for me is death. living is making it worse for me. I don't entirely know why you would want me to live like this any longer. I know, in environment, my future will be better. but I know I will stay in this cycle and dissociative trance forever. I have dread for getting old as I'm autistic and my needs will stay the same. I have no desire to hide my needs. but they will ruin my life, I think. I don't want life to be this way especially as an adult. no one understands that I have a brain behind what I have to regulate for myself. I will still not be seen as a person to people I have to be around. I really, really don't know why I have to live longer if all I'll do is wish to die.

 

[Linda]

How long have you been with your girlfriend? Does the relationship feel "right"? Do you trust her?

 

[fleshgarden]

I've been with her since the end of September 2022. I do definitely trust her, the only issue we have with our relationship is that she's needy and I have not a very good mental capacity to do all of it, and she makes a lot of misconceptions if I can't do it all. But we actively work on it and she always asks if I'm ok

 

[Praestat_Mori]

How old are you? What would be different in 2 years? Won't your gf grief then?

 

[fleshgarden]

How old are you? What would be different in 2 years? Won't your gf grief then?

I'm 18, we will be moving in together soon. I have things I'd want to do in that time, not clarifying what, but those things could potentially make me happier. but I don't imagine that I can since I'm incapable of making money or getting a job. I don't imagine much of my thoughts changing no matter what changes in my life though. yeah, I don't know why she would just prolong the inevitable .. if it were me, I'd just be anxious that whole time

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm 18, we will be moving in together soon. I have things I'd want to do in that time, not clarifying what, but those things could potentially make me happier. but I don't imagine that I can since I'm incapable of making money or getting a job. I don't imagine much of my thoughts changing no matter what changes in my life though. yeah, I don't know why she would just prolong the inevitable .. if it were me, I'd just be anxious that whole time

Have you tried therapy/meds? Ik might be difficult to treat MH issues but you should try that if you've not done it. This is just my opinion.

 

[Linda]

I've been with her since the end of September 2022. I do definitely trust her, the only issue we have with our relationship is that she's needy and I have not a very good mental capacity to do all of it, and she makes a lot of misconceptions if I can't do it all. But we actively work on it and she always asks if I'm ok

A needy partner can be difficult (I had two such, when I was a lot younger), but that's an issue for another day and another thread. From what you say, my advice would be to do what she asks, and give life another try for two years. It's a gamble, and not guaranteed to work. But 2 years is plenty of time for things to change, hopefully for the better. If things still seem hopeless at the end of those 2 years, it might be time to think again about ctb.

Just don't get her pregnant in the meantime. A child would complicate things enormously.

All I can do now is wish you well.

 

[fleshgarden]

Have you tried therapy/meds? Ik might be difficult to treat MH issues but you should try that if you've not done it. This is just my opinion.

I do therapy, it doesn't help me because I have an issue with saying things out loud, I feel like it's some scam to make me feel like shit after, I feel like I'm being judged in a tiny room with a person who doesn't know me. I'm scared of meds, I'm not allowed to take them right now as I live with my parents and they both have bad experience with meds. I do hope to try meds that'd help with my dissociation though, I think that might help. otherwise I often self-medicate with marijuana and it helps for the time it affects me