I feel terrible: I love my therapist and just lied to her about having plans to leave

[wordsonscreen]

:( ugh. I feel so sick. My therapist is a godsend and she is amazing. She is so attuned to me and so so loving and caring. She has helped much more than I thought was ever possible. Its just it has not been enough. The needle has moved for me but it is still far beyond what I can tolerate. She knew I am going to exit. She really knew it. I just feel so fucking awful lying to her and making her choose between her gut instinct or my trust/our relationship.

But I had to. I would be hospitalized if I told her. And I know she cares. And MAYBE hospitalization will be good for be for a bit tbh but the truth is that I've decided to stop trying for several reasons. I would go for voluntary inpatient if I actually wanted to get better but my goals have changed.

~I~ have decided to stop.
She would never support that. And I don't want to make her support that. This is my burden to bear.

I had to lie but I feel awful about it. If I exit before our next session, I am worried she will regret not acting on her instinct. I will, of course, write her a letter etc to mitigate this but I still feel bad about lying to the ONE person who has had my back for months to her face :(

Am I a bad person? :(

{{There has been tension on SS lately and I have come across some crudeness. Please refrain from political/sexist/rude comments on this post, thank you. I'm not in a good place today.}}​

 

[Ender]

No, I do not believe you are a bad person sunbug. She would understand I'm sure. I love my therapist as well. We have to do things that we feel is best for ourselves. I haven't told my therapist either. It is a pain.

 

[whywere]

You are NOT a bad person. You are a VERY loving and caring person. The context of your post says that aspect!! I have in the past said about thinking about ctb to a therapist and I wound up in the hospital for 2 weeks iin lockdown. I, after that, am very careful what I say even if it is a take on humor to lighten the mood during my visit. You are a VERY special person and I LOVE having you as part of our global family. Walter

 

[wordsonscreen]

No, I do not believe you are a bad person sunbug. She would understand I'm sure. I love my therapist as well. We have to do things that we feel is best for ourselves. I haven't told my therapist either. It is a pain.

Thank you ender! <3 I love your posts so it means a lot coming from you. How much does your therapist know? Do you want to tell them?

You are NOT a bad person. You are a VERY loving and caring person. The context of your post says that aspect!! I have in the past said about thinking about ctb to a therapist and I wound up in the hospital for 2 weeks iin lockdown. I, after that, am very careful what I say even if it is a take on humor to lighten the mood during my visit. You are a VERY special person and I LOVE having you as part of our global family. Walter

:( this is so kind... Thank you so much... Your words are always so welcoming and loving.
2 weeks??? jesus.. how was it? Did it help at all??

 

[booray]

No, you are not a bad person. You're simply doing what you have to do to protect yourself. We all know that getting sectioned to a psych ward for two weeks does absolutely nothing to abate our suicidal thoughts.

 

[wordsonscreen]

No, you are not a bad person. You're simply doing what you have to do to protect yourself. We all know that getting sectioned to a psych ward for two weeks does absolutely nothing to abate our suicidal thoughts.

You're right.. yes. Thank you.

 

[booray]

P.S. I have been sectioned twice, and neither time was it for suicidal behavior or thoughts. I was experiencing psychosis. Let me tell you that there is very little, if any, so-called treatment provided. They merely hold you against your will and you leave feeling even more fucked up than when you arrived.

 

[whywere]

Thank you ender! <3 I love your posts so it means a lot coming from you. How much does your therapist know? Do you want to tell them?

:( this is so kind... Thank you so much... Your words are always so welcoming and loving.
2 weeks??? jesus.. how was it? Did it help at all??

Thank you for such a nice response. The 2 weeks was a nightmare, as far as the staff were the worst! They were very demeaning and not at all thoughtful. Now there was a bright spot in the 2 weeks as far as I meet other patients, locked up with me and they were awesome! Overall, it was ok becasue of the other nice folks that were in the hospital with me. You are a wonderful person, so bright and loving. You are a great definition of what a global family member is all about. Walter

 

[sorella santini]

You are not a bad person. You are doing what is necessary. I consider it concealment for preservation. I do the same to my spouse, so I know how difficult it is and how you are feeling.

 

[WornOutLife]

I'm glad you have a nice therapist and good relationship with her.
Mine sucked and I also had to lie lots. Otherwise, I couldn't be typing this reply now because I would be isolated in a psych ward lol.

 

[wordsonscreen]

P.S. I have been sectioned twice, and neither time was it for suicidal behavior or thoughts. I was experiencing psychosis. Let me tell you that there is very little, if any, so-called treatment provided. They merely hold you against your will and you leave feeling even more fucked up than when you arrived.

wow... :/ wtf.

Thank you for such a nice response. The 2 weeks was a nightmare, as far as the staff were the worst! They were very demeaning and not at all thoughtful. Now there was a bright spot in the 2 weeks as far as I meet other patients, locked up with me and they were awesome! Overall, it was ok becasue of the other nice folks that were in the hospital with me. You are a wonderful person, so bright and loving. You are a great definition of what a global family member is all about. Walter

Wow, I see. I'm glad you met some nice folks and its really awful to hear that the staff were demeaning... jesus. I appreciate your insight! <3

You are not a bad person. You are doing what is necessary. I consider it concealment for preservation. I do the same to my spouse, so I know how difficult it is and how you are feeling.

concealment for preservation- okay yeah that can work. I like that phrasing :)

I'm glad you have a nice therapist and good relationship with her.
Mine sucked and I also had to lie lots. Otherwise, I couldn't be typing this reply now because I would be isolated in a psych ward lol.

I hope you find a better therapist! They do exist! Just takes a lot of work to find them unfortunately