I feel suicidal again and don't know what to possibly do!

[Sigh_Sigh_Sigh]

A few months back I completely snapped I was planning to ctb and everyone I worked with found out, I ended up having to take a couple months off work. My boss seemed rather supportive at the time.

I have since returned to work and been there again now for a couple of months all seemed okay until the other week when the sergeant called me into his office and pulled up tracking software on the computer (must link upto the walkie talkies we use at work) and he began interrogating me on everywhere he could see I went reviewing shift after shift it just left me feeling really exposed though I did nothing wrong so I thought that would be the last of it until last week he called me into the office yet again and began looking over where I'd been going again. I could justify every move I made but should I really have to keep doing this it's getting to me like he is out to get me and just has me feeling all deflated like my old self again paranoid of what's ahead.

Not in 2 years of my job had any other sergeant done this I do wonder if he's looking to use me as a pawn for a promotion or something similar or maybe he heard rumours I was considering a job change so by doing this he hopes to try get a bit of dirt on me and then avoid giving me any good of a current employer reference.

I just don't know what to do about it

 

[ChronicallyCynical]

It does sound sus. I wish you the best in avoiding being used like this -- it's saddening just how willing even supposedly "normal" humans are to use and then dispose of each other. I'm not surprised you'd be distrustful either. Don't envy you the tracking or the interrogations, as a paranoid person myself. Perhaps, it'll pass without incident, but if it doesn't, there may still be decent jobs - entry-level, mostly, admittedly - you might be able to get into without that reference. If not, maybe ask another sergeant -- you mentioned there were multiple. Is there any way of getting in contact with them, should you need the reference? They might be more willing.

And don't feel ashamed of feeling suicidal or snapping about your plans -- under pressure and stress, such reactions are natural. If it gets to the worst, there are methods within this forum for a permanent resolution, but it may very well not need to come to that, so I would first wait and see... though that's just my opinion. Things might calm down again for you. Either way, I hope you catch a break from all this.

 

[catperson]

ya that sucks i mean not much u can do

 

[SVEN]

I'm guessing that after you saying what you did and then having a couple of months off, your employers have marked you down as at being of potential high risk for self harm and are trying to cover themselves in case you do ctb, or attempt to. They'll be concerned about being accused of failing to observe a 'duty of care' (they may also actually be genuinely concerned, we don't always appreciate that some folk do really care). Accordingly your Sgt has probably been instructed to keep an eye on you and verify the records he keeps re the sites you visit online etc. I'd guess that no one is out to get you, they are just trying to cover themselves against being accused of being negligent.
I hope things get better for you, whatever course of action you take.

 

[rosenwasser]

I don't know where you live but what @SVEN mentions seems very probable to me. I used to work at an employment law firm and people really do want to make sure that they weren't negligent (otherwise they can get sued for damages and damages for suicide are high ofc). So I could imagine that's the reason.
Doesn't change the fact that it's stressful to work in that environment. Do you live near a metropolitan area? Maybe you could job hunt there, I do not assume you Sgt knows everyone in a city nearby and maybe you can find something more relaxed.
And don't feel bad about snapping or about suicidal feelings. That's more than normal in a stressful situation and this forum is here for you whatever choice you make about your future.
I wish you all the best.