Help I feel suddenly very lost and don't know what to do with my life

[Life_is_Dead]

Lots of soul crushing feelings have struck me recently, and I wasn't really prepared for them...

They kinda came out of nowhere. I don't understand. For the past few years (I'm 23 now) I haven't done a lot of things apart from sitting at home, in front of my computer.
Up to this day that lifestyle didn't really bother me. I learned a lot of things on the internet, and spent most of the time reflecting on the mysteries of the universe while listening to music.

Sad feelings and suicidal thoughts came occasionaly, but they often faded the next day or so. Sometimes I was euphoric too. When I felt deeply suicidal, I never had the guts to off myself. My first attempt was the day I realized ending oneself is a very difficult thing to achieve, and it crushed me, slowly understanding that I'll probably never be able to do it. But I still have hope that one day life will spare me, maybe... be it by accident or from my own hands.

I probably have some mood disorders and anxiety, but I don't really know, never been diagnosed. I try to analyze my behavior and emotions objectively and look them up on the internet myself.

Today I'm lost. And I'm crushed by feelings of guilt, jealousy, anxiety, hopelessness and loneliness... I have a knot in my stomach
I came to a realization that I don't know what I should do with my life if I'm not dead. Ideally I would like to disappear, because i don't want to deal with it, but for the time being I know that I don't have the courage to die. So I have to find a solution because all this mental pain is hard to deal with.

I don't know what I should do. I have some ideas though, maybe some of you could give me some advice...

I think I'm a creative person, I like making up stories, I've been learning screenwriting for about 2 years now. If I had to do something for a living one day it would be in the art field. I would like to see one of my stories in a movie one day, but my screenplays are probably really bad at the moment. Most writers tend to begin their carriers at around 35... Probably because they have more life experience, more hindsight, and more things to talk about...

So I thought, in the meantime, maybe I should start working some part-time job, in hopes of clearing up the bad weather in my mind.
I can't do anything where there is a lot of people, like restaurants or big stores, I suffocate in crowds, and I don't like to deal with people. So i settled down on some offers I found on Indeed (I don't know if it's a reliable website) - to be some kind of private school driver. I didn't even know that existed.

But the problem is, I never worked or applied for a job before, and I don't even know where to begin.
The only requirement for the job is to have a 5 years old driver license, which I have, but this seems a bit too simple to be true, I don't know. Maybe I'm too young for that job, or maybe I need to have already some kind of experience in that field.
And if it's somewhat possible that I get to work, I fear that I won't be able to park their big 9-seaters cars, because I'm used to the small size of mine that I'm comfortable zooming around with.

I'm really anxious about all this, I don't know what to expect. Should I try and call them or send my *blank* resume ? (that I still have to figure out how to make). I don't want to sound like I'm not serious and blow my chances. I don't want them to make fun of me neither...
Well, I don't really know if I want to work anymore. I don't want to, but I'll probably have to, one day...
Would be nice if I could find a group of writers in my area that I could hang out with, but meeting new people and having to share my stories seems emotionally overwhelming.

I don't know what to do. Maybe all these feelings will go away in a few days, and I'll be back to square one.
If I could get struck by lightning right now everything would be much simpler...

I'll end this with a quote I love from Fight Club -
"Marla's philosophy of life was that she might die at any moment. The tragedy, she said, was that she didn't."

Hope it won't be me.
Thank you very much for reading. I've never felt so confused.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

is there anyone that can help you with your resume, like a friend or family member? if not, youtube videos are always an option.

are your stories personal, or is it more a matter of social anxiety? i'm sure everybody in those sorts of groups is anxious about sharing their writing as well. the experience may seem daunting, but you never know what will if you don't try.

i'm wishing you the best of luck with your goals.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

A good way to get experience is to do some volunteering so you have something to write about on your CV/resume

 

[Good4Nothing]

Life is all about learning new things.
You can't drive a 9 seater now...
But get a job driving a 9 seater and before you know it you'll be the best damn 9 seater driver in town.

 

[Life_is_Dead]

Thank you a lot for your answers. I'm crying now, I cried a lot today.
I don't feel very good, I'm sorry.

I'll try to make a cv myself with all the info there is online. I guess I could ask for help, but I don't want to be laughed at for trying something I'll maybe never achieve. I always try to solve my problems alone, because I don't want to be a burden / don't like to rely on others... I guess this time I needed a bit of help from like-minded people. Thank you.

I'll check the volunteering stuff, I hadn't thought about it. Hopefully there's something without a lot of people. Thanks for the spoiler cat, I smiled and wept.

My stories aren't really personal, but I think that every artist puts some of their soul in their work, so the final product always shows who you are deep down. I like writing fictional stories, character driven with a bit of supernatural in them. Be it the setting they are in or some ability the protagonist has.
They all deal with the same themes I think - loneliness, chasing pointless dreams, and leaving the real world to access your imaginary one.

Thank you for your kind words G4N, I love learning new things, but I prefer learning them alone. I fear the stress and shame of learning under pressure/responsibilities. I don't want to fail miserably in front of everyone. I prefer failing alone. Hence the writing.

I'll try sending something to the company. I don't know what to expect. I hope carrying people around will give me some purpose if I get the job.

Thank you again for everything.

 

[Sk1n1M1n]

How about considering university or going back to college. How about online university

 

[Life_is_Dead]

I don't have my high school diploma (it's called BAC in my country), which is required to enter most colleges/universities. I started having my suicidal thoughts at that time and planning my future by pursuing schooling was far from my primary goal anymore, so I dropped out.

Now just the thought of going back to any kind of school environment makes me incredibly unwell. I have nightmares about school to this day, even though it's been 5 years I've never set foot in one.

The only reason I would like to get into some social environment like a school would be to meet new people, maybe like-minded friends that will change my life forever... but I don't believe in miracles.

I didn't know about online universities, I'll check it but I'm kind of skeptical about that whole concept... Also I don't see the point of throwing money in schools, especially art ones, I prefer working on my writing craft at home and keep the small amount of cash I have on fun things.

Well, that's why. But maybe I'll change my mind one day, who knows.

 

[CC123]

Many colleges and universities post lectures and syllabi online for free.
Sample the many quality offerings out there
Volunteering at a no-kill animal shelter can be quite rewarding
Work at not setting such high expectations that no experience can be deemed "beneficial"
You can learn much from "boring" and seemingly insignificant experiences

 

[Life_is_Dead]

Witnessing the suffering of all those poor abandoned creatures would tear my heart apart I think, but I agree it could make for a great experience, and maybe give my life some purpose.

I hope I'll learn a lot of things, I just feel miserable when I compare myself to others. Feeling jealous doesn't help anything but I can't help it. When negative thoughts strike back, it's one among others that float in my head.

I'm browsing the suicide section again to look for methods I maybe went over... as if I'll have the will to attempt it anyway.

 

[Sensei]

If you think that you might have a mood disorder, you should have it checked. If it's bipolar disorder, it will get worse if you don't get treatment.

 

[Life_is_Dead]

I fear all this psychiatry stuff. I don't know what to expect and don't want to get locked up, that would end up in even more suicide fuel for me. And I don't want to throw money on meds or doctors.

Also if they diagnose me with some disease it will be written "mental issues" on my forehead for the rest of my life and I won't be able to apply to some clubs/hobbies/jobs, like the firing range for example.

I hope it won't get worse, but if it does, maybe that will push me to jump off a bridge.

 

[Iwantoknow]

It sounds like you have passion for writing.
Maybe before finding group of writers in your area in person you could start by becoming more active member of some online writing forum/group?

 

[Life_is_Dead]

I hope this really is my calling. I tried a couple things in the creative field, and writing movie scripts was the art that stuck with me the most.

The problem is that it becomes really hard to be satisfied with your work the more you write, and I begin to think that maybe I'm not cut out for it. But for the moment I have nothing else to do, so I hang on to it.

I tried the subreddit screenwriting two years ago when I started out, but I'm quite disappointed in this community and in reddit in general now. It's too much work to find authentic friends on a platform this big, furthermore English is not my native language and writing scripts in English became tiring real fast, so I can't share my work anymore.

I tried to find screenwriting forums that speak my tongue but didn't find anything really worth the try. The best is to have actual physical people that will stick with you to the end.

My objective today is to improve my writing by myself, in hopes of getting good enough that it'll be easier for me to share my work and meet people that have already a certain level.
I don't want to waste the time of anyone more determined than me, and I don't want to deal with beginners neither (the kind you find the most on forums, I was like that too at first), because it won't be helpful to me.

 

[Sk1n1M1n]

It's quite rare at the moment to find in person screen writing or writing in general groups in local areas, because lots have temporarily closed down due to COVID-19 or closed due to budget cuts.

have you tried meet-up.com

 

[Life_is_Dead]

You're right I already forgot about this. Well I checked meet-up but didn't find anything interesting. There's a screenwriting course to learn the basics but I'm already beyond that level.
To tell the truth just the thought of going somewhere to meet new people makes me anxious. Maybe it's not the right time for me yet. But thanks for the help !

By the way I just finished writing my CV and sent it by email to the company. I don't expect anything really...

 

[CC123]

Writing your CV is an accomplishment in and of itself