I feel so strange pretending to be “not suicidal” when I interact with others in society

[Taylor]

I just went to Subway for dinner and it was just me, and the three teenage guys who worked there, and they were clearly goofing off and having a good time, just like how I used to at that age. Of course I was obligated to match their same energy, and it was just the strangest feeling. Almost humorous actually, as I'm thinking on the inside, "you have no idea the hell and torture a man can be subject to, which I'm currently experiencing". I'd describe it just like that scene from Band of Brothers, when the allied replacements are walking past the battle hardened 101st Airborne division, completely oblivious to the misery that awaits them. I can't be the only one who feels like this, feeling like I'm basically a Hollywood actor anywhere I go, pretending to be happy and like I'm still living a normal and functional life.

 

[Empty Smile]

Sounds exactly like me!

 

[soda_pressed]

This is basically me. It's exhausting having to pretend to be happy all the time.

 

[TheFinalCountdown]

I try my best to hide how I'm feeling but I must be pretty bad at it. I keep get people constantly telling me to "cheer up" and saying things like "a smile wouldn't kill you". Just makes me feel worse though

 

[Santiago]

One of the benefits of truly being lonely is that you don't have to do this :)

 

[iwannaendme]

u know whats ironic. that u never know if they arent suicidal either. maybe a lot of people u meet r using their masks like we do and inside they r actually dying.

 

[Cevapcici]

Sorry for bringing in the bad news, but if you stop pretending to be okay, your acquaintances you will start pretending you're okay and everything is okay - because they probably don't give a shit and have other things to wonder about. And your loved ones (if you have some ) will be in denial about it for about 5 years. You'll get told you look tired and "demotivated" a lot.

Ive stopped pretending I'm doing alright for ages, and only one person so far had both noticed it AND been vocal about it. It's my partner's neighbor - so, not even someone close to me.

So you basically can stop pretending, it's gonna be alright.

 

[KadathianStr1d3r]

I stopped pretending that im okay recently and Im fine too, just that i can be more of an asshole more often which is more funner than being the miserable nice guy, still wont stop the pain though but hey at least you wont have fake acquaintances

 

[TAW122]

I feel the same way too outside in public, I simply just don't feel the same way as others' feel and rather feel different. It's like I'm living in a different dimension, seeing the world very differently. People are excited and full of energy and I'm just numb, indifferent, or nonchalant during the whole time I'm out there. Then when I go home, I wallow in my misery as each passing day is one day closer to my death (whether natural or self-inflicted).

I stopped pretending that im okay recently and Im fine too, just that i can be more of an asshole more often which is more funner than being the miserable nice guy, still wont stop the pain though but hey at least you wont have fake acquaintances

That sounds interesting, I don't think I had people just leave me alone, especially if they see something concerning. I get the fake concern lines such as "Are you ok?" and then I get annoyed by their (fake) concerns and question them back why they asked. Sometimes I don't get a response or others say because they see me zoning out or something. I guess my nonchalant attitude gives my body language of dozing off/zoning out.. I don't know.

 

[Taylor]

u know whats ironic. that u never know if they arent suicidal either. maybe a lot of people u meet r using their masks like we do and inside they r actually dying.

Good point!

I feel the same way too outside in public, I simply just don't feel the same way as others' feel and rather feel different. It's like I'm living in a different dimension, seeing the world very differently. People are excited and full of energy and I'm just numb, indifferent, or nonchalant during the whole time I'm out there. Then when I go home, I wallow in my misery as each passing day is one day closer to my death (whether natural or self-inflicted).

Man you nailed it, as soon as I get home it's like I'm back in the hopeless abyss that has encompassed me and robbed me of my life, as I watch the days go by, which feel like minutes to me at this point. A month feels like what a day used to for me now, and it's literally been 5 years now...