Help I feel so sorry for my parents. What do I do?

[DesperateOne]

I love my parents. They were super nice to me my entire life, gave me everything I wanted and I had all the freedom I ever requested. I was a strange child though and was always an outcast in the social group. This has led me to getting addicted to the internet at the age of 10 and being terminally online for 10+ hours per day since then. Never had any friends, girlfriend, real tangible experiences, good grades or anything like that. I possibly had signs of mental illness like depression, dissociation and social anxiety before, but now my brain is completely fried, completely detached from reality and too far gone. I practically lived in the virtual world for most of my life.

I'm 22 now and my entire life they've pleaded me to do something with my life, turn off the computer and get my act together. I don't blame anything on them, it was my own fault that I did this to myself. I threw away all the blessings that I've received and gave almost nothing in return... I also understand them for not fully participating in my developing years. My father grew up with a fucked up dad that abandoned him. He battled depression and was an alcoholic. At some point he said that the only reason he lives is because of me. My mom had a rough and cold childhood as well and probably suffers from her own set of mental illnesses.

I tried getting better.... I really did. But reality has slowly started to hit me that I'm too far gone. I can't live with myself like this. I want an escape, but I also don't want to absolutely ruin them. I don't know what they will do after I'm gone and its so scary to think about. On the other hand I don't see a future for myself at all and I really just want to rest. I'm 100% set on doing it at some point, but I don't know how to rationalize these feelings of guilt that I'm having. Should I wait until they get older so my death wont be such burden? Should I do it now so they don't have to suffer and see their son waste another period of his life? Should I just accept and process the guilt then do it? Can anyone help me out here....

 

[Kundalini Guy]

Am also 22 but I realize am trhe one suffering. Your parents grief is temporary while you will still suffer years and years from now. I know its pretty selfish as my family especially mother is super nice to me also, but I don't want to suffer anymore.

 

[robokiller]

Wow… I'm also 22 and a lot of what you described in the post applies to me as well.
As for your loved ones, they will suffer no matter if you are gone now or later, if you get older though there is a chance of things getting better for you and wanting to live (again).

Out of all decisions in our lives, CTB is something that only you yourself should decide.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

I understand why you feel the way you do but if you can't live like this then what's the point of living??..I would just say this if you are worried about your family maybe you should try therapy and see if you can feel better so that you can live for them.

However, if you have tried all avenues and still can't see yourself living then hmmm I don't know what else I can say here because I don't want to encourage you to end your life unless if that's what you really want….

You know making friends is easy right try to go to some social gathering events, download friendship apps and as for dating you are only 22 you will get a gf one day for sure. If you want to feel more confident with yourself maybe start joining a gym and you will meet people there too…. ( also when it comes to friends be very careful on who you allow yourself to get close to as they might even cause you to have more mental health issues)

I wish you all the best with any decision that you will make.

 

[DesperateOne]

Thank you for the responses. I will think about them.

 

[OceanBlue]

These are the ties that they created, knowing well that any of you could die at any moment causing grief to others, on some level they should already be prepared to lose you. You could explain that your death ended your suffering and prevented all future harms.

You have no obligation to suffer for others (unless you created them) and if they really cared about you, they'd never be asking you to do that for them anyway.

 

[yestothedeath]

have you tried going to therapy at all?

 

[FallingAircraft]

have you tried going to therapy at all?

I'm in a similar (near identical in fact) bind, I've tried therapy numerous times but it never helped.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's up to you deciding what to do, none of us are obligated to continue enduring this existence that we were so selfishly burdened with in the first place. Grief and loss are simply inevitable as long as one exists here, as it's a consequence of life being forced here, it's completely up to the individual when to leave, nobody should be forced to delay the inevitable against their wishes.

 

[LeftBankTwo]

Hey, also 22 here and experiencing something similar. I was given unrestricted internet access at a young age, my parents weren't nearly as forgiving (being abused, parental issues) but they were fairly kind none the less. As of recent my ability to do anything anymore has dwindled.

All I do is art and feed my cats, I've started to neglect myself as well and I've just became a recluse into nothing. Story cut short, I understand what kind of situation you're in. My advice might not be much worth but if you'd like to shoot me a PM we could talk for a bit.

 

[tomoki]

your testimony touches me because I really find myself in it I am also 22 years old I failed at university, no friend no boyfriend nothing at all I am nothing. over the past 2 years i have really tried many times to recover but i always failed today i am 22 years old i feel guilty trapped and i am 100% determined to take the only way out I'm left with I'm a waste of humanity that doesn't deserve to live and I can't stand the kind of compassionate tone my family talks to me with like I'm a sick dog about to dead .
I don't know if I'm in pain but I can't stand anything anymore I would do anything to not be 23

 

[aabavaga]

I love my parents. They were super nice to me my entire life, gave me everything I wanted and I had all the freedom I ever requested. I was a strange child though and was always an outcast in the social group. This has led me to getting addicted to the internet at the age of 10 and being terminally online for 10+ hours per day since then. Never had any friends, girlfriend, real tangible experiences, good grades or anything like that. I possibly had signs of mental illness like depression, dissociation and social anxiety before, but now my brain is completely fried, completely detached from reality and too far gone. I practically lived in the virtual world for most of my life.

I'm 22 now and my entire life they've pleaded me to do something with my life, turn off the computer and get my act together. I don't blame anything on them, it was my own fault that I did this to myself. I threw away all the blessings that I've received and gave almost nothing in return... I also understand them for not fully participating in my developing years. My father grew up with a fucked up dad that abandoned him. He battled depression and was an alcoholic. At some point he said that the only reason he lives is because of me. My mom had a rough and cold childhood as well and probably suffers from her own set of mental illnesses.

I tried getting better.... I really did. But reality has slowly started to hit me that I'm too far gone. I can't live with myself like this. I want an escape, but I also don't want to absolutely ruin them. I don't know what they will do after I'm gone and its so scary to think about. On the other hand I don't see a future for myself at all and I really just want to rest. I'm 100% set on doing it at some point, but I don't know how to rationalize these feelings of guilt that I'm having. Should I wait until they get older so my death wont be such burden? Should I do it now so they don't have to suffer and see their son waste another period of his life? Should I just accept and process the guilt then do it? Can anyone help me out here....

My friend, who referred me to this website had almost the exact same situation you did maybe except the parents, dk tbh. Glad to say he dosent use SS anymore and got his shit together. I remember chatting with him everyday for multiple hours, I thought he certainly died when our convo stopped for 6 months. 6months later he contacted me and said he has stopped his addiction and now is getting good grades. Its better if u dont CBT rn, try to get your shit together first. Friend said going to the gym really gave him more motiviation, so try doing that. if ur worried that people would laught at u at the gym, guess what, they got their own insecurities. I think ur parents dont deserve this. Please, try turn ur life around first, cause it definitely worked for my friend

and dont try therapy, fuck therapy. you understand your own self better than a squint tying to milk u off ur money

My friend, who referred me to this website had almost the exact same situation you did maybe except the parents, dk tbh. Glad to say he dosent use SS anymore and got his shit together. I remember chatting with him everyday for multiple hours, I thought he certainly died when our convo stopped for 6 months. 6months later he contacted me and said he has stopped his addiction and now is getting good grades. Its better if u dont CBT rn, try to get your shit together first. Friend said going to the gym really gave him more motiviation, so try doing that. if ur worried that people would laught at u at the gym, guess what, they got their own insecurities. I think ur parents dont deserve this. Please, try turn ur life around first, cause it definitely worked for my friend

and dont try therapy, fuck therapy. you understand your own self better than a squint tying to milk u off ur money

although now I feel like shit, the tables have turned. My friend is fine now but I am not. Cycle of life I guess

 

[Praestat_Mori]

It's certainly tough to break with parents one has good ties to especially through ctb but in the end it's your own choice and your own decision that has to be respected. I wish you all the best!

 

[bedtimebabe]

I'm in the same situation but ultimately I'm choosing to CBT because I can't live to make my parents happy, my suffering needs to end. And if their happiness relies on me being alive and suffering, then that's not real love anyway. I do feel really bad though because I know it will be devastating to them and they only have one other kid. But it's not enough to stop me from doing what I need to do.