I feel so selfish!

[Embers]

Things have been trickier for a while.
I feel like im getting closer to acting.
( or if not acting with full intent, doing something to release the pressure, if that makes sense?)

but my parents ( and me) are going away for a 7 day break at the end of this week. The urges/need to act are massive and really hard to resist. But I also don't want to fuck up my parents planned break. It feels very selfish to act now because it would ruin their plans. But it's SO DAMN HARD to sit with these feelings.
( I have never forgiven myself for messing up my family's holiday plans 7 years ago after an attempted ended up with me being sectioned. They missed their holiday and lost all the money and I feel so guilty still. I don't want to mess their holiday up / loose their money again but I'm struggling so much )

any advice or thoughts guys?

 

[FuneralCry]

It isn't selfish, you should just do what is best for yourself, or at least that is what I would do. I would find it agonizing having to carry on and pretend that everything is okay when I am having these thoughts. I would put myself first if I was in that situation. I wish you the best no matter what happens and I think no one deserves to suffer.

 

[Embers]

It isn't selfish, you should just do what is best for yourself, or at least that is what I would do. I would find it agonizing having to carry on and pretend that everything is okay when I am having these thoughts. I would put myself first if I was in that situation. I wish you the best no matter what happens and I think no one deserves to suffer.

Thank you for being so kind. I'm not sure what kind of response I was expecting, but I kinda expected to be hated on, and I really appreciate your kindness.

it's really hard to sit here and not act on the feelings. But I don't want to upset/disappoint/screw up my parents plans again simply because I either need some kind of release for how awful I'm feeling. Or I need to leave this planet finally. Agh

 

[MMB]

Why would anybody hate on you? You're in pain, surrounded by people who understand.

 

[Embers]

Why would anybody hate on you? You're in pain, surrounded by people who understand.

Very good point! I'm new here and I guess experience of the rest of the internet generally means people often don't understan and are quick to hate.
It's really lovely that you guys all seem to be genuinely caring and understanding. It means a lot, thank you

 

[I-can-only-imagine]

It's not selfish. You can't help how you feel. All I will say is that I want to give you something to consider. You already feel guilty for the last holiday missed. And it may help them to have some happy memories to remember after you CTB. This could be their last holiday for a while.
I want to clarify - I am NOT saying this to make you feel guilty and I'm sorry if it does! You could use these days to plan properly though.
use them to your advantage so that you don't feel guilt if worse case your CTB is unsuccessful

 

[Embers]

It's not selfish. You can't help how you feel. All I will say is that I want to give you something to consider. You already feel guilty for the last holiday missed. And it may help them to have some happy memories to remember after you CTB. This could be their last holiday for a while.
I want to clarify - I am NOT saying this to make you feel guilty and I'm sorry if it does! You could use these days to plan properly though.
use them to your advantage so that you don't feel guilt if worse case your CTB is unsuccessful

Very good points, thank you!!

 

[I-can-only-imagine]

Very good points, thank you!!

No problems Hun, I hope it helps make the next few days more manageable, even if it is just a little bit. Always here if you need