I feel so guilty.

[Some place nice]

I am having really aggressive thought about ctb. I have everything I ever wanted in life, so why do I still want to die? He has expressed to me many times that I am the only thing that makes him happy. I want to die so badly, and I thought if I ever got to this point again, I'd be able to tell him but, I can't. how do you tell someone that their love of their life wants to die? He knows that I have an account on SaSu and he's only good with it bc I told him that I'm on the recovery side. he knows that I've tried to ctb in recent times, but I don't think he really understands that I am still suicidal. When we first found out that we liked each other it helped and helped a lot more when we started dating but, I think the honeymoon phase is over bc my depression came running back to me and it's a deeper darker one, so I know Imma hit rock bottom with this one but that might entail me ctbing and I fear what that'll do to him. I feel so guilty for even thinking about ctbing and it just makes it worse.

 

[kmycluisfe]

Even if it's hard you should talk to him. He look so kind and good I'm sur he will listen to you camly and do everything in his power to help you get through this bad phase.
I know it's hard, but I'm sure he'll be happy to give you a shoulder to lean on.

 

[uzuf86]

There may be something that can make up for that guilt in your life, other than going away.
If I were you I would think hard and long to find out what it is. And then, commit to it like it's the most important thing in your life. It might end up making both of you happy eventually.

I will not say that you should ctb or that you should not, you will need to be the judge for your own decisions and make sure you didn't hurry and rush in doing anything permanent

I'm an extreme guilt and regret sufferer but I guess my situation is different from yours since every day I wake up wondering why I'm still alive, since it is too late for me to fix the shit I've done and the damage I've caused to myself. These days I keep rewinding into my childhood memories and can't stop thinking about all the things I used to have and love. And that gives me so many shivers and tremors in every night in my sleep that I'm sure ctb is my only way out

 

[Argo]

You said "I have everything I ever wanted in life, so why do I still want to die?" That seems to be the only question worth reflecting on. Drill into it with total openness and honesty, because if that question is not examined as carefully as possible, then ... nothing else makes sense, no? Be truly brutally honest. Don't resort to black and white thinking, but examine every positive and every negative as carefully as you can. Journal if it helps( it usually does). You can do it, and you should.