Bread
Avoid if allergic to gluten
- Dec 1, 2018
- 80
I guess it's Christmas again. It really sneaks up on me because years ago I lost the ability to care about any holiday. Overall I don't mind it. I try to act happy around my family and to spend time with them. I get them gifts. I want them to have a nice Christmas. We eat the traditional Christmas meals and play board games. None of it excites me or makes me happy at all, but it will be over soon. I just have to try to hold it together a little bit longer.
So that's all kind of...meh. But the one thing that is horrible is when it's time to open presents. Whenever anyone does anything nice for me I feel awful. Even from an early age, I have always felt uncomfortable about receiving gifts. It has only gotten worse with time. Now I even feel guilty about the fact that I have a family who buys me gifts, because so many people don't and here I am being too depressed and numb to appreciate it. I know that realistically it's not my fault, I can't just make myself feel worthy or joyful, but I still feel like a sack of shit.
I wish no one would get me any presents. I'm an insufferable piece of trash who doesn't deserve love or family. Having to open gifts as everyone watches me makes me feel sick with guilt, but I have to put on a fake smile and stammer about how much I love it. I wish I could be a normal person. I wish I could accept their gifts with a genuine smile and that I could genuinely enjoy Christmas with my family. They deserved so much more than a piece of shit like me. Someone who's going to eventually take their own life and leave them. It truly would have better for everyone if I had never been born.
So that's all kind of...meh. But the one thing that is horrible is when it's time to open presents. Whenever anyone does anything nice for me I feel awful. Even from an early age, I have always felt uncomfortable about receiving gifts. It has only gotten worse with time. Now I even feel guilty about the fact that I have a family who buys me gifts, because so many people don't and here I am being too depressed and numb to appreciate it. I know that realistically it's not my fault, I can't just make myself feel worthy or joyful, but I still feel like a sack of shit.
I wish no one would get me any presents. I'm an insufferable piece of trash who doesn't deserve love or family. Having to open gifts as everyone watches me makes me feel sick with guilt, but I have to put on a fake smile and stammer about how much I love it. I wish I could be a normal person. I wish I could accept their gifts with a genuine smile and that I could genuinely enjoy Christmas with my family. They deserved so much more than a piece of shit like me. Someone who's going to eventually take their own life and leave them. It truly would have better for everyone if I had never been born.
