Venting I feel so guilty for wanting to ctb.

[iplantoleave]

I'm 20 years old and I really do want to leave this world. I've had suicidal thoughts since I was 17 and they never faded.. I never tried to get better either, I tried to tell my mom that I feel depressed but nothing came out of it. I've never tried therapy but I heard it's pretty expensive? I have no job right now, just going to one class during the summer.

I think the main reason I want to leave is because I'm so alone, almost every single person I wanted to stay in my life has left or chosen someone else. I'm so bitter and heartbroken. On my days off of school I literally just stay home in bed wallowing in my own pathetic sadness.

I feel guilty because I really didn't have any hardship growing up. I just wish I had people to make memories with, it's really hard seeing everyone around you living normal lives while I'm stuck in a rut. I have absolutely no motivation or energy to make things better for myself. Recently I've just been so self destructing that I'm almost guaranteed I'm going to leave this June.

 

[deathisnear]

There is no reason to feel guilty at all, we all have our reasons that we want to ctb and they are all valid! I am similar in the fact that I didn't have a lot of hardship growing up outside of having depression. I used to feel guilty for wanting to ctb because of my parents and family, they really have done nothing wrong, it's all me, it's all in my fucked up head of depression and anxiety and they don't know how bad it is for me. I have finally decided I have to do this for me, no matter what, because most people will never understand. I want to make it as easy as I can on them and in my note, I want to make sure I'm extra clear it's not their fault which hopefully will bring them peace. Whatever choice you make in leaving or staying, I wish you peace!

 

[natali4]

I feel the same. I have had suicidal thoughts for a long time, I can't even remember how many years it has been. Recently things have become worse, and I seriously started thinking about ctb 2 months ago. I feel very certain that is the only way I will get peace, but I feel guilty of hurting my family. I have never been so sure of ctb in my life, I have been seriously planning ways to do it, but everyday the guilt stops me to think again. Nothing is helping and nothing is making me happy.
I understand your struggle. I sometimes think that I cannot make my family and friends happy by staying with them out of guilt.
No matter what decision you make, don't be guilty, you want what's best for you and your family, whichever way that happens. I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make!

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I'm 20 years old and I really do want to leave this world. I've had suicidal thoughts since I was 17 and they never faded.. I never tried to get better either, I tried to tell my mom that I feel depressed but nothing came out of it. I've never tried therapy but I heard it's pretty expensive? I have no job right now, just going to one class during the summer.

I think the main reason I want to leave is because I'm so alone, almost every single person I wanted to stay in my life has left or chosen someone else. I'm so bitter and heartbroken. On my days off of school I literally just stay home in bed wallowing in my own pathetic sadness.

I feel guilty because I really didn't have any hardship growing up. I just wish I had people to make memories with, it's really hard seeing everyone around you living normal lives while I'm stuck in a rut. I have absolutely no motivation or energy to make things better for myself. Recently I've just been so self destructing that I'm almost guaranteed I'm going to leave this June.

Know one should have to feel
Obligated and guilted into something you didn't even ask to be born into. Only you know your experience and know one can take that away from you. All your reasons are valid for wanting to CTB. If one isn't walking in your shoes they cannot comment towards how you feel, and what your experiences are. As someone who has suffered from depression and anxiety since 14 I know it hurts to be where you are right now. Just try to not feel guilt because we didn't ask for any of this.

 

[FuneralCry]

You shouldn't feel guilty. This life can be exhausting and our thoughts can torture us. We can have little control over them. People can be cruel and loneliness can send us into despair. It isn't like we asked to be exist in the first place so we have no obligations to stay alive. If this is what you want then I hope you find peace.

 

[Anonymous 4]

I'm 20 years old and I really do want to leave this world. I've had suicidal thoughts since I was 17 and they never faded.. I never tried to get better either, I tried to tell my mom that I feel depressed but nothing came out of it. I've never tried therapy but I heard it's pretty expensive? I have no job right now, just going to one class during the summer.

I think the main reason I want to leave is because I'm so alone, almost every single person I wanted to stay in my life has left or chosen someone else. I'm so bitter and heartbroken. On my days off of school I literally just stay home in bed wallowing in my own pathetic sadness.

I feel guilty because I really didn't have any hardship growing up. I just wish I had people to make memories with, it's really hard seeing everyone around you living normal lives while I'm stuck in a rut. I have absolutely no motivation or energy to make things better for myself. Recently I've just been so self destructing that I'm almost guaranteed I'm going to leave this June.

I need to tell you this, and please do not take this the wrong way, I respect your emotional state and how you feel, alone, etc, but please, do not CTB, stick with the pain you feel, it will pass in time, weather that be a year or 10 it will pass, things in life can change, and the reasons you explained to me, is not valid enough to CTB, don't think I'm putting what your feeling aside coz I'm not, but CTB is not the right thing to do, at this stage of your life, explaining what you have, just put up with emotional hurt, sadness, pain, lonelyness, live with it some more years, and it will make you a better person in time, you won't see that now, but stay a few more years and you'll see. Please don't CTB.