haroldmarold
New Member
- Jul 3, 2023
- 2
i dont post here a lot, but i really need to vent and i think maybe i will have some sympathetic ears here.
i already vented on edtwt but that side of twitter has become so generic and all the posts are the same its genuinely grossed me out.
this month has been so bad for me. ive somehow forced myself into loneliness more than i already was. just to explain my situation, im female 19yrs and ive never been in a relationship and i dont think im capable of being in one anyway. im not skinny and im abnormally tall. so the combination of tall and chubby makes me look massive and disgusting. ive been trying to starve to lose weight and i was successful for a few weeks, actually being strict and counting my calories but now i lost all control and even tho im still not eating as much, the food i do eat is junk one meal a day and a shit ton of diet coke, probably 4 cans a day. i dont count any of the food i eat.
this month has been horrible because ive isolated myself and my sleep is fucked up. i oversleep up to 15 hours sometimes, i sleep at 10 am and wake up around 6-8pm. i dont see my family and when i do my mom tells me that im disgusting for rotting in my room all day. i dont have any motivation to go out with friends who i already feel like im boring when we do go out. i didny even get these friends on my own i share them with my twin sister, she did all the work and i feel like im just an accessory. i dont know how to socialize and i have been told my i dont know how to converse normally or i make stories boring. so i havent been going out. and when i do make plans i oversleep and skip them and then i feel really shit about myself.
i have been having so many suicidal thoughts. i breakdown almost every other day, crying all alone on the toilet. and when i stare at myself crying all i see is a fat ugly chubby boring low self esteem unconfident person looking stupid and crying over nothing. because in reality my living situation is good, im not struggling financially and im in a good university. i just feel so alone its genuinely eating away at me. i feel like no one in my family actually cares ab me. i feel like im making myself so clear that i need help and that im in a really dark place right now but no one cares. my mum calls me disgusting, i told my sister that i had a meltdown to the point where i couldnt even breathe and she told me to just go out more which is so tone deaf. my other sister laughs at me and constantly makes jokes and i cant even say anything back cuz shes my big sister and i never have anything back to say to her.
i keep having suicidal thoughts but the idea of dying is so terrifying that i cant go through with any ideas, just making me feel so much more weak and cowardly. i feel so desperate right now. im usually always the person people go to vent to. im always the person that makes jokes or gets enthusiastic with other peoples drama and problems to make them feel good but where is that person for me? where is that person that gives me advice and listens to me when i vent. no instead when i try to vent to someone i get told, just go out or just try to make friends and if it was that fucking simple dont you think i would have done it already?? i feel so weak and desperate and i dont know how to fix myself and i cant stand myself anymore. i hate everything ab myself and i hate everyone around me because no one sees me as a person with feelings. im oversensitive. im lazy. im disgusting.
i cant handle it anymore and im too weak to actually do anything. all i can bring myself to do is to starve and then binge and then feel even more shit about myself. and no one seems to care or even notice. i mean ffs im literally locked up in my room sleeping for so long and no one thought that maybe thats unhealthy? i dont know what to do with myself. i hate so much of me and i dont know how to fix it. and im too scared to fucking end my misery. i wish i could just be killed by natural causes or like a car crash something, something not by my own hand so i can stop hurting. but i cant.
someone else tell me they feel the same. i dont want to be alone anymore.
i already vented on edtwt but that side of twitter has become so generic and all the posts are the same its genuinely grossed me out.
this month has been so bad for me. ive somehow forced myself into loneliness more than i already was. just to explain my situation, im female 19yrs and ive never been in a relationship and i dont think im capable of being in one anyway. im not skinny and im abnormally tall. so the combination of tall and chubby makes me look massive and disgusting. ive been trying to starve to lose weight and i was successful for a few weeks, actually being strict and counting my calories but now i lost all control and even tho im still not eating as much, the food i do eat is junk one meal a day and a shit ton of diet coke, probably 4 cans a day. i dont count any of the food i eat.
this month has been horrible because ive isolated myself and my sleep is fucked up. i oversleep up to 15 hours sometimes, i sleep at 10 am and wake up around 6-8pm. i dont see my family and when i do my mom tells me that im disgusting for rotting in my room all day. i dont have any motivation to go out with friends who i already feel like im boring when we do go out. i didny even get these friends on my own i share them with my twin sister, she did all the work and i feel like im just an accessory. i dont know how to socialize and i have been told my i dont know how to converse normally or i make stories boring. so i havent been going out. and when i do make plans i oversleep and skip them and then i feel really shit about myself.
i have been having so many suicidal thoughts. i breakdown almost every other day, crying all alone on the toilet. and when i stare at myself crying all i see is a fat ugly chubby boring low self esteem unconfident person looking stupid and crying over nothing. because in reality my living situation is good, im not struggling financially and im in a good university. i just feel so alone its genuinely eating away at me. i feel like no one in my family actually cares ab me. i feel like im making myself so clear that i need help and that im in a really dark place right now but no one cares. my mum calls me disgusting, i told my sister that i had a meltdown to the point where i couldnt even breathe and she told me to just go out more which is so tone deaf. my other sister laughs at me and constantly makes jokes and i cant even say anything back cuz shes my big sister and i never have anything back to say to her.
i keep having suicidal thoughts but the idea of dying is so terrifying that i cant go through with any ideas, just making me feel so much more weak and cowardly. i feel so desperate right now. im usually always the person people go to vent to. im always the person that makes jokes or gets enthusiastic with other peoples drama and problems to make them feel good but where is that person for me? where is that person that gives me advice and listens to me when i vent. no instead when i try to vent to someone i get told, just go out or just try to make friends and if it was that fucking simple dont you think i would have done it already?? i feel so weak and desperate and i dont know how to fix myself and i cant stand myself anymore. i hate everything ab myself and i hate everyone around me because no one sees me as a person with feelings. im oversensitive. im lazy. im disgusting.
i cant handle it anymore and im too weak to actually do anything. all i can bring myself to do is to starve and then binge and then feel even more shit about myself. and no one seems to care or even notice. i mean ffs im literally locked up in my room sleeping for so long and no one thought that maybe thats unhealthy? i dont know what to do with myself. i hate so much of me and i dont know how to fix it. and im too scared to fucking end my misery. i wish i could just be killed by natural causes or like a car crash something, something not by my own hand so i can stop hurting. but i cant.
someone else tell me they feel the same. i dont want to be alone anymore.
