Venting I feel panicked and trapped

[mapletree]

I feel like the longer I put this off, the worse it's going to be. Over time steadily the people I have known even casually have fallen away like leaves, and as my social circle contracts the few people remaining become tired of the bullshit and I can't totally blame them. It's hard to describe, it's like a terminal illness but socially, for you as a person interacting with the world, and once you go past a certain point you can't come back from it, it's a positive feedback loop to complete isolation and I'm terrified if I keep waiting I'm going to lose my last few family members (small family to begin with) as well. I'm trying to juggle studying and researching things and trying and failing to procure things and the mental strain of my brain folding in on itself and the panic setting in that this is it, things are spiraling down, I need to find the emotional maturity to do it before I ruin other people's lives and or die alone in terror rather than with a few people left who remember me as a person and not an obnoxious malignant bloated miserable cow of a person.

Basically I have a feeling of impending doom that never goes away- like the moment before you're getting called into a supervisors office and you know you're going to get written up and you're just waiting with that sinking feeling, or right before you get horrible news but it's also news that carries some kind of social consequences...but the feeling is there 24/7. I don't have the option to leave. The panic, the finality of being in my 30s and being alone, never had any meaningful relationships, never had a long term dating thing, don't really have friends, barely have acquaintances, and now I'm staring down the barrel of a resurgent hardcore social reactionary movement blossoming that is going to kill women like me in ways that are neither dignified nor peaceful. I'm in physical pain every day. Im exhausted. I want an out. Every time the sun goes down and another day goes by I feel like the clock is ticking. It's like being buried alive

welp thanks for listening

 

[Deleted member 18655]

Hi and welcome! I can relate to most of what you've written. I hope you'll find this place supportive and helpful.

 

[Captive of Mind]

I have experienced things very similar to what you are talking about. Another part of it that makes it so difficult is that most people seem like they don't understand what this is like. I hope you could find an answer to this pain and not have to live in dread.

 

[pickajack]

@mapletree, I'm sorry you are feeling like this. I think it is true that there is a natural contraction of one's social circle in your 30s and it can feel like an endless attrition. I have experienced it as well. The connections I have made and rekindled in my 30s have not come as easily as early in life when you are surrounded by peers.

On the plus side though, the new friends feel way more like my choice and as a result, the relationships are more satisfying. Not saying its easy, but can totally be worth it. Also, some of the friendships which dissolved in my 30s were really for the best. I realized that my longest friendship (since childhood) was totally abusive and unhelpful. Wouldn't have realized it at all if not for new friends who treated me soo much better. New relationships have fueled my personal growth as well. Again, challenging, but worth it.

Totally can relate to the feeling of impending doom and finality, it seems to track closely with my depressive episodes. Anyway, I'm sorry you are hurting. Wishing you hugs, peace and a bit of hope.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

now I'm staring down the barrel of a resurgent hardcore social reactionary movement blossoming that is going to kill women like me in ways that are neither dignified nor peaceful.

I wonder where in the world you are and I'm so sorry you're facing something so awful. We women take the brunt of so much, it's ridiculous that it's still happening, whether being blamed or controlled or being the victims of war, having our bodies "marked" by soldiers who go after women rather than other armed soldiers. The things humans do make me so sick, I'm not even in your situation and I'm so disgusted that these things happen and I can't do anything about it, that it fuels my despair and frustration and impotence and I can't take much more of it. It breaks my heart and turns my stomach. It's so vile and profane.

Edit: I may have misinterpreted your post. It could also be that you're a trans woman. If that's the case, are there a lot of trans violence incidents where you're from? I guess I'm confused by the term hardcore social reactionary movement, and that it's resurgent, so I would assume there have previously been widespread atrocities.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

@mapletree I have to ask: are you a Canuck too?

 

[StellaArtoix]

I feel like the longer I put this off, the worse it's going to be. Over time steadily the people I have known even casually have fallen away like leaves, and as my social circle contracts the few people remaining become tired of the bullshit and I can't totally blame them. It's hard to describe, it's like a terminal illness but socially, for you as a person interacting with the world, and once you go past a certain point you can't come back from it, it's a positive feedback loop to complete isolation and I'm terrified if I keep waiting I'm going to lose my last few family members (small family to begin with) as well. I'm trying to juggle studying and researching things and trying and failing to procure things and the mental strain of my brain folding in on itself and the panic setting in that this is it, things are spiraling down, I need to find the emotional maturity to do it before I ruin other people's lives and or die alone in terror rather than with a few people left who remember me as a person and not an obnoxious malignant bloated miserable cow of a person.

Basically I have a feeling of impending doom that never goes away- like the moment before you're getting called into a supervisors office and you know you're going to get written up and you're just waiting with that sinking feeling, or right before you get horrible news but it's also news that carries some kind of social consequences...but the feeling is there 24/7. I don't have the option to leave. The panic, the finality of being in my 30s and being alone, never had any meaningful relationships, never had a long term dating thing, don't really have friends, barely have acquaintances, and now I'm staring down the barrel of a resurgent hardcore social reactionary movement blossoming that is going to kill women like me in ways that are neither dignified nor peaceful. I'm in physical pain every day. Im exhausted. I want an out. Every time the sun goes down and another day goes by I feel like the clock is ticking. It's like being buried alive

welp thanks for listening

I dont even know what to say. You have written so eloquently I can almost feel your pain. I am so sorry for your situation on both a personal and social level. Hell, that didn't come out right I'm sorry. I am saddened by your personal anguish and equally so that you say that the situation where you live for woman is so precarious. Why is it that woman are constantly subjected to such disgusting, vile treatment by some factions of society? It really makes me sick when I hear things like you have said. I really feel for you. Please if you need an ear, although I cant offer much I will listen. Kind regards and BIG HUGS.

 

[ladolcemorte]

This is exactly how I feel.

 

[GravityUtilizer]

Yeah my life situation is very similar; I just get more depressed than anxious. That social terminal illness line is how it feels, for sure.

 

[mapletree]

I wonder where in the world you are and I'm so sorry you're facing something so awful. We women take the brunt of so much, it's ridiculous that it's still happening, whether being blamed or controlled or being the victims of war, having our bodies "marked" by soldiers who go after women rather than other armed soldiers. The things humans do make me so sick, I'm not even in your situation and I'm so disgusted that these things happen and I can't do anything about it, that it fuels my despair and frustration and impotence and I can't take much more of it. It breaks my heart and turns my stomach. It's so vile and profane.

Edit: I may have misinterpreted your post. It could also be that you're a trans woman. If that's the case, are there a lot of trans violence incidents where you're from? I guess I'm confused by the term hardcore social reactionary movement, and that it's resurgent, so I would assume there have previously been widespread atrocities.

Nowhere unique, just the USA [Edited to remove anything political or too much personal information...I guess I can just say that I've had some experiences that don't make me very optimistic; this isn't about a specific political party or politician to be clear; it's less of a political statement and perhaps just me being a bit more sensitive to which way the wind is blowing with the knowledge that people like me won't be able to adapt]

@mapletree I have to ask: are you a Canuck too?

haha no I'm sorry I just love maple trees.

 

[mapletree]

The panic sets in worse in the evening. I have no escape. I am stuck. There's no way out. It's a landscape that is always the same. I need to get together a solid plan and make final arrangements. I keep putting it off because finding a method seems hard, I'm emotionally exhausted, and it's easier to just keep doing the same thing every day and going through the motions. But it's still spreading and getting worse and breaking through more and more. I need to shit or get off the pot here

 

[Captive of Mind]

The panic sets in worse in the evening. I have no escape. I am stuck. There's no way out. It's a landscape that is always the same. I need to get together a solid plan and make final arrangements. I keep putting it off because finding a method seems hard, I'm emotionally exhausted, and it's easier to just keep doing the same thing every day and going through the motions. But it's still spreading and getting worse and breaking through more and more. I need to shit or get off the pot here

I hope that you are able to overcome the challenges you face. This world is cruel and unfair and we didn't ask to be brought into this mess. But now that we're here, we have to figure it out. If you are dead set on making your final exit, make sure you do a lot of research on which method is best and how to go about it. The reason for this is if you fail, you could end up being stuck here in a way worse condition than before you tried to ctb.

 

[mapletree]

I hope that you are able to overcome the challenges you face. This world is cruel and unfair and we didn't ask to be brought into this mess. But now that we're here, we have to figure it out. If you are dead set on making your final exit, make sure you do a lot of research on which method is best and how to go about it. The reason for this is if you fail, you could end up being stuck here in a way worse condition than before you tried to ctb.

Thank you. I know the gravity of it- I'm not a very impulsive person and honestly never thought I'd get to this state because I think about stuff too much, and nothing is worse than thinking about death...really, really thinking about it, your brain trying to conceive of its non-existence, someone said it's like staring directly into the sun and they're right. I don't want to embarrass my family or make anyone look bad, or end up locked away with no path forward in my profession and just constant social stigma and disdain. I don't want to end up maimed. I've seen what happens.

But every day I don't have some kind of plan, I panic more and more, the longer I keep staring into the sun, and it's getting really bad otherwise I wouldn't be posting here. I want a careful but humane plan that doesn't require like McEscher complex shit because man I don't know if I can focus on CTB and managing like ten ropes and pullies at the same time. My Swiss cheese brain is really it's own worst enemy

 

[Deleted member 17949]

It is definitely stressful feeling like your problems are pushing people that you love away. Where possible explain to people how you are struggling and allow yourself to have some distance and time to yourself to process things. I sympathize with your situation, sorry you are here bro