amor.dor
Losing my religion
- Dec 24, 2025
- 225
I have already accepted what I want, but I never thought I would end up thinking only of other people. I've almost completely annulled myself. I keep thinking so much about others now.
My little brother, who always saw me as an example—the thought that my departure will destroy him… and I've tried everything to mitigate the damage. Some friends too, who always supported me even in the worst moments. I did everything to create distance gradually. Slowly, I sabotaged and wore down my relationships to pull their attachment away from me.
My adoptive mother (my grandmother) won't suffer due to her Alzheimer's. My parents… I don't think it will affect them at all—but I'm not even sure of that.
I am geographically over a thousand kilometers away from them. I repeatedly deleted my accounts in online communities, like in some games. I isolated myself as much as I could. I feel good with myself, but I worry about the others.
I chose my CTB method so that my body would be found as intact as possible. I don't want to traumatize anyone. That's why I didn't choose the train track method—I don't want to create a gore scene for other people or traumatize them. To tell the truth, I wish to go in peace, silently. I even told the property owner I was leaving.
I've thought for so long, planned so much… I remember my ex a lot. They were my biggest concern, but they are already gone. I witnessed their CTB and it was peaceful. Now I want to go peacefully.
But for some reason, I dream and am hit by sudden memories of every moment of my life: childhood, adolescence, first job, the first day of school, the last… I've been vividly remembering all of it. I spend my days looking up, looking at the horizon and thinking—whether on rainy days or sunny days, I just stare at the sky, at the people passing by on the street. I sit in the square and watch people living their days. I feel like a ghost among people, but there is no suffering in my heart, only a profound calm…
I am still trying to understand what all of this means.
Could it be that this is what they say happens at the hour of death—that your whole life flashes before your eyes? I feel as if I'm dissolving until there's no more 'me' left.
My little brother, who always saw me as an example—the thought that my departure will destroy him… and I've tried everything to mitigate the damage. Some friends too, who always supported me even in the worst moments. I did everything to create distance gradually. Slowly, I sabotaged and wore down my relationships to pull their attachment away from me.
My adoptive mother (my grandmother) won't suffer due to her Alzheimer's. My parents… I don't think it will affect them at all—but I'm not even sure of that.
I am geographically over a thousand kilometers away from them. I repeatedly deleted my accounts in online communities, like in some games. I isolated myself as much as I could. I feel good with myself, but I worry about the others.
I chose my CTB method so that my body would be found as intact as possible. I don't want to traumatize anyone. That's why I didn't choose the train track method—I don't want to create a gore scene for other people or traumatize them. To tell the truth, I wish to go in peace, silently. I even told the property owner I was leaving.
I've thought for so long, planned so much… I remember my ex a lot. They were my biggest concern, but they are already gone. I witnessed their CTB and it was peaceful. Now I want to go peacefully.
But for some reason, I dream and am hit by sudden memories of every moment of my life: childhood, adolescence, first job, the first day of school, the last… I've been vividly remembering all of it. I spend my days looking up, looking at the horizon and thinking—whether on rainy days or sunny days, I just stare at the sky, at the people passing by on the street. I sit in the square and watch people living their days. I feel like a ghost among people, but there is no suffering in my heart, only a profound calm…
I am still trying to understand what all of this means.
Could it be that this is what they say happens at the hour of death—that your whole life flashes before your eyes? I feel as if I'm dissolving until there's no more 'me' left.
