in hell out soon
Student
- Apr 27, 2020
- 114
Marked as venting because it's kind of venting and a bit of a heavy topic. Don't know if it applied at first but then it became a vent so uh... justified title probably? I dunno. Anyway...
I don't know how to word this much really, but I've only been active here for a little while and I feel like I'm somewhere I can rant and just... not have to mask. Not have to pretend I'm okay. Because I'm not okay, and I haven't been in a very long time. I don't have to pretend I'm normal because I know I'm not anyway. I know I'm weird.
Just... I'm tired. In a way that a lot of you understand considering a lot of you are here for the same main goal I am (which is to ultimately CTB). You get it, really, and you're just here for me in a way people don't tend to be.
I have no close friends here (which isn't to say you aren't friendly - im actually perfectly okay with this don't worry) so I don't have to pretend I'm okay so I don't scare or stress them. And I know this is selfish and sounds selfish, but I don't have to worry about every friend I've made. I can't stop worrying about the well-being of my friends and family.
Conversely, this January marked the fourth year of my first hospitalisation from a CTB attempt. (Not my first CTB, but it was the first time I was caught after it failed.) I wish it had been successful, I really do. anyway not a single person remembered. Nobody has said "oh I'd have missed you" or anything... like that. I don't know. Does that sound histrionic or attention seeking or whatever? I just want to be loved and appreciated and being completely forgotten for a fourth year in a row...
I'm really not worth any consideration, right?
And after a while it got me thinking. I was met largely with disdain for it when it didn't succeed. The focus was only allowed to be on my mother and sister, who had it so much harder for having to look after someone like me. This is the part where I mention I'm a huge burden because I'm severely autistic, dyspraxic, and have a whole host of neurological and physical disabilities that affect day to day living. This sort of behaviour I'd received for so long i didn't peg at the time par some surface level thoughts but... makes sense. Maybe that's why I ended up so selfish too if these were my examples. Actually most of my family is super selfish and broody and I'm a bit sick of it.
My college "friends" didn't bother contacting me at all around that time (apart from one who knew me a little longer), and four years later well not a single one of them is in regular touch. Partly my fault but they've never tried reaching out so I never saw the point
I can't stop worrying or thinking at all. Tried therapy, tried meds, tried no end of self guided "meditations" and "def helps" but it's all ultimately useless.
Even though I'll always be the annoying friend and "everyone hates me" (As one of my guild mates in world of Warcraft said today but to be honest it's true even if he's claiming he's joking again) I'm glad I'm somewhere people understand.
people really strive to make me feel included and they try their best to understand and provide support. I'm not used to it, but I'd like to use this post to thank them and anyone else who's there even in spirit. (This is not a ploy to get more replies don't worry - this sort of thanks already applies to you for even reading this far)
I'll be real with you there's every chance I'll never respond to this vent ever. I'm not used to support and I don't know how to respond to it. But I'd like to thank everyone for being nicer to me than any of my friends have been about this kind of thing.
I don't know how to word this much really, but I've only been active here for a little while and I feel like I'm somewhere I can rant and just... not have to mask. Not have to pretend I'm okay. Because I'm not okay, and I haven't been in a very long time. I don't have to pretend I'm normal because I know I'm not anyway. I know I'm weird.
Just... I'm tired. In a way that a lot of you understand considering a lot of you are here for the same main goal I am (which is to ultimately CTB). You get it, really, and you're just here for me in a way people don't tend to be.
I have no close friends here (which isn't to say you aren't friendly - im actually perfectly okay with this don't worry) so I don't have to pretend I'm okay so I don't scare or stress them. And I know this is selfish and sounds selfish, but I don't have to worry about every friend I've made. I can't stop worrying about the well-being of my friends and family.
Conversely, this January marked the fourth year of my first hospitalisation from a CTB attempt. (Not my first CTB, but it was the first time I was caught after it failed.) I wish it had been successful, I really do. anyway not a single person remembered. Nobody has said "oh I'd have missed you" or anything... like that. I don't know. Does that sound histrionic or attention seeking or whatever? I just want to be loved and appreciated and being completely forgotten for a fourth year in a row...
I'm really not worth any consideration, right?
And after a while it got me thinking. I was met largely with disdain for it when it didn't succeed. The focus was only allowed to be on my mother and sister, who had it so much harder for having to look after someone like me. This is the part where I mention I'm a huge burden because I'm severely autistic, dyspraxic, and have a whole host of neurological and physical disabilities that affect day to day living. This sort of behaviour I'd received for so long i didn't peg at the time par some surface level thoughts but... makes sense. Maybe that's why I ended up so selfish too if these were my examples. Actually most of my family is super selfish and broody and I'm a bit sick of it.
My college "friends" didn't bother contacting me at all around that time (apart from one who knew me a little longer), and four years later well not a single one of them is in regular touch. Partly my fault but they've never tried reaching out so I never saw the point
I can't stop worrying or thinking at all. Tried therapy, tried meds, tried no end of self guided "meditations" and "def helps" but it's all ultimately useless.
Even though I'll always be the annoying friend and "everyone hates me" (As one of my guild mates in world of Warcraft said today but to be honest it's true even if he's claiming he's joking again) I'm glad I'm somewhere people understand.
people really strive to make me feel included and they try their best to understand and provide support. I'm not used to it, but I'd like to use this post to thank them and anyone else who's there even in spirit. (This is not a ploy to get more replies don't worry - this sort of thanks already applies to you for even reading this far)
I'll be real with you there's every chance I'll never respond to this vent ever. I'm not used to support and I don't know how to respond to it. But I'd like to thank everyone for being nicer to me than any of my friends have been about this kind of thing.
