I am really on the edge here. I suffer from very heavy depression over the last 3 years now (overall since I was 13 years old) A half a year ago I could manage to think to at least stick around till I was 45 and my youngest is 18. That would still be 15 years. But for the last half year now my depression is taking the overhand and I can't find any joy participating in their lives and I am no longer able to do "fun" things with or for them or take good care of them by myself. Basically I am being kind off phisicaly present for them and give them a hug once a day. The rest of the time they have to watch me do nothing and be nobody while my mother takes care off them. I am planning on CTB for some time now, when they are both away for a week this summer. If this is all I can be, I don't want to bother them no longer with my sad worthless self and I don't want to be the person they have to look up to. They are so young still and leaving them in this sick world kind of kills me too. But I just can not deal with life any longer. I feel such a terrible mother for wanting to leave them but staying does'nt make me feel a better mother at this point.
Life_and_Death
Do what's best for you 🕯️ Sometimes I'm stressed
- Jul 1, 2020
- 6,826
i completely understand why you feel that way but i promise you, you are far from the worse. you could be abusing them but youre not, youre just struggling within yourself 
I think it's great you hug them once a day. My mum never hugged me. It's not like you're abusing them. A lot of people have an abusive childhood and you're not giving them that. Dont be so hard on yourself x
It must be hell to have children to worry about while having clinical depression. It must be hell.
I'm not in great shape but I have found some relief by taking 500mg of Acetaminophen, aka Tylenol, every evening with dinner. You might want to try it, it might give you some relief.
Have you ever tried medication or therapy or anything like that? Sometimes depression is resistant to treatment and that is one of the reasons that it can be deadly.
If you haven't tried the medicine/professional help route you may want to at least think about it. You might be one of the lucky ones and find some form of relief and be able to think more clearly.
Please don't think that I'm just trying to hand out pithy advice. I know the hell of clinical depression. I just feel bad for the pressures your facing and I'm hoping that something can help you.
I'm not in great shape but I have found some relief by taking 500mg of Acetaminophen, aka Tylenol, every evening with dinner. You might want to try it, it might give you some relief.
Have you ever tried medication or therapy or anything like that? Sometimes depression is resistant to treatment and that is one of the reasons that it can be deadly.
If you haven't tried the medicine/professional help route you may want to at least think about it. You might be one of the lucky ones and find some form of relief and be able to think more clearly.
Please don't think that I'm just trying to hand out pithy advice. I know the hell of clinical depression. I just feel bad for the pressures your facing and I'm hoping that something can help you.
Can I ask how Tylenol helps with your depression? I understood it was just paracetamol?
I feel the same way since wife died i am totally dead in side I can not even bring my self to play with the kids or even talk to them. Before my wife died I would play with my daughter 9 and son 12 all the time. Now I just can not do it
I just sit around all day doing nothing and depressed all the time. I don't want my kids thinking this is normal so I have put plans In place so with 10 months and I a gone they will be financially ok and sorted out my will sony mum or my brother has them. Last thing I want is my kids in care
I just can not live this life no more.
I just sit around all day doing nothing and depressed all the time. I don't want my kids thinking this is normal so I have put plans In place so with 10 months and I a gone they will be financially ok and sorted out my will sony mum or my brother has them. Last thing I want is my kids in care
I just can not live this life no more.
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 37,170
It must be so hard being in that situation. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering. I wish you the best.
I don't know exactly how it helps but in my research I read that it is a recommended over the counter remedy. And I guess this is fairly common knowledge.
It has helped me. It has helped make things a little more bearable.
If you decide to try it I hope that it helps you too.
It's probably because it's an anandamide reuptake inhibitor, anandamide is a happy neurotransmitter. It's also the neurotransmitter that cannabis replicates (hopefully I'm explaining that right, you can look it up if you're interested).
Thank you and thank you all for the kind words!
I haven't tried Tylenol for my depression yet maybe I could try it because I always have it in the house for when someone has a headache or anything. You say that it is a neurotransmitter that cannabis replicates. So by that you mean like a sort of mindtrick? That relieves some of your toughts just like cannabis does? Going to look it up anyways!
I see a psycologist every week for 2 years in a row now. I have seen 4 or 5 others in total but this one matches me the best and I feel very comfortable with her. I also see a psychiatrist every month for 1,5 year now. We started with Lithium mostly for my suicidal toughts. I am using 1000mg (max dose) a day now. She diagnosed me with bipolar type 2 but I am still trying to find out what my sympthoms for that are because I also never experienced a real manic episode or anything like that.
Since 1,2 year I am also using Venlaflaxine 375mg (max dose). 8 months ago when I was at my final dose it got a little better to keep my head up and do somethings in and around the house. I got out of bed early every day what was a very big step in the good direction for me. But right now I am back at where I started without all of the meds.
You're not even close to as bad as trash like this...
Police: Mom sold daughter, 6, for sex
A Jacksonville Beach mother is accused of selling her 6-year-old daughter for sex in exchange for drugs.
I feel so sorry for your loss
I can not imagine the heartache you are feeling. I feel the same for my kids! I don't want them to be around me like this. I am being very kind and everything I can to them. But it still feels like emotional abuse for me being there like a plant in a room who can't do much of anything with or for them and not being able to quite explain my illness and the way it makes me feel to them. That is why the deviding line between having them to watch me like this or just leave keeps getting smaller for me. I wish you the best and hope you will find peace 
Oh no! That is just sick on another levelYou're not even close to as bad as trash like this...
Police: Mom sold daughter, 6, for sex
A Jacksonville Beach mother is accused of selling her 6-year-old daughter for sex in exchange for drugs.www.news4jax.com
You're a good mother it's evident from your writing,you deserve a much better life
I know where you're coming from, though I've found ways to force myself to do useful things even when I just want to lock the bedroom door and do nothing. I'm present in the house and I'm doing chores and so on, but I'm not at all connected to the kids. I might as well be a maid. The thing that keeps me going is the idea of "do the best you can with what you have where you are." I know I'm a bad parent because I'm distant and not connected to the kids. But I don't have any idea how to fix that, so I do the best I can by taking care of the kids' material needs. That much I can do, and I feel a little better as a result. Have you tried this kind of approach?
This is what I am doing at the moment but still I don't feel it right as I don't want the kids to think this is normal when they grow up and have kids I don't want them to be like the way i am now.
I know it's extremely hard, and this isn't judgment, but you owe it to your children's futures to be your best self. Seeing and hearing my mom be extremely depressed when I was very young absolutely had a huge impact on who I am today.
You're welcome. I'm glad that I could provide at least some help.Thank you and thank you all for the kind words!
I haven't tried Tylenol for my depression yet maybe I could try it because I always have it in the house for when someone has a headache or anything. You say that it is a neurotransmitter that cannabis replicates. So by that you mean like a sort of mindtrick? That relieves some of your toughts just like cannabis does? Going to look it up anyways!
I see a psycologist every week for 2 years in a row now. I have seen 4 or 5 others in total but this one matches me the best and I feel very comfortable with her. I also see a psychiatrist every month for 1,5 year now. We started with Lithium mostly for my suicidal toughts. I am using 1000mg (max dose) a day now. She diagnosed me with bipolar type 2 but I am still trying to find out what my sympthoms for that are because I also never experienced a real manic episode or anything like that.
Since 1,2 year I am also using Venlaflaxine 375mg (max dose). 8 months ago when I was at my final dose it got a little better to keep my head up and do somethings in and around the house. I got out of bed early every day what was a very big step in the good direction for me. But right now I am back at where I started without all of the meds.
If you've never really experienced mania have you considered going in for a new diagnosis?
I'm wondering if you have one illness and maybe symptoms of bipolar disorder rather than full blown bipolar disorder.
I'm not a professional so please don't take my word that it's not bipolar disorder.
But maybe talking in detail with a different care provider about all of your symptoms would be helpful.
The symptoms that you are faced with are so hard and are so painful. I'm sorry that you have to go through this.
Please consider talking with another professional and see what kind of diagnosis they give you.
You might get the health or medication regimen that will help you.
Believe me, there are many, FAR WORSE stories out there of mothers selling their kids to sick fucks. Do a google search for "infant rape and murder" to understand exactly how hideous of a race humans are.Oh no! That is just sick on another level
I have doing this for 2 or 3 years now and make sure that with everything I did, I kept in mind that it was all for them. Unfortunatelly I was'nt able to keep it going. Yesterday I was at my psycologist and she mentioned that if it was'nt for my mom taking care of us, childsupport service would have already been at my doorstep. I also opened up about my situation to the dad of my youngest because she has the luck to have both parents by her side. I told him that it would'nt do me any good but for the sake of her mental health, if he thinks it is best to let her stay with him, I can't do anything about that. So I can almost certanly say, that is what is going to happen. But I feel like I owe this to her for giving her a better life even tho my heart is allready in a thousand pieces by the tought alone of having to let her go and break my sons heart as well.
I'm sure that's unbelievably difficult, and I'm sorry that you're going through this. Are you getting the help you need from your psychologist?
I understand that very well. Living with depression is hell every day (and night). I suffer of Depression for 30 years, i am 43 now. I dont know life without Depression.
But to think that your child will be better off if you kill yourself is actually wrong. It would be better to take your child to another family so he can continue to see his mother. That's not nice for either of you. But a mother committing suicide is always a break in your biography that never heals. You only think your own child would be better without one. But a dead mother is traumatic.
If you can't manage to stay in life anymore, I can understand that. But to think that it is the best for your own child is just wrong......... I hope you can find every help which is possible.
But to think that your child will be better off if you kill yourself is actually wrong. It would be better to take your child to another family so he can continue to see his mother. That's not nice for either of you. But a mother committing suicide is always a break in your biography that never heals. You only think your own child would be better without one. But a dead mother is traumatic.
If you can't manage to stay in life anymore, I can understand that. But to think that it is the best for your own child is just wrong......... I hope you can find every help which is possible.
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