Some people who want to commit suicide just have depression that will clear up. You know, I've read people who write about that. I've seen people talk about that. How they were at a point of wanting to end things or even made an attempt and then over time they got the help they needed and they got better and now they're really happy. That's absolutely a thing and why I wouldn't want anyone to rush into suicide. For sure, try to improve things and try to get help first.
But that's not EVERYONE. And that's clearly not me.
I've been going to various psychologists for over a decade. And while my current one has been very helpful in a lot of things, like improving my social anxiety, at the end of the day my depression has come back. And it's worse than ever. And it's because my depression isn't because of just mental illness. It's because my circumstances just are terrible.
I've got social anxiety and failure anxiety which have made me isolated and prevented me from getting my university diploma. I'm getting older and I've never had a job, nor do I own a house, nor any appreciable wealth. I don't really have any friends because of my social anxiety (not that that bothers me too much). I can't write anymore. I'm goddamn disgusting to look at as I'm realizing more and more. And my previous girlfriend, who I think was the love of my life, broke up with me several months ago.
There are really two reasons I WANT to end things: The pain of not having her in my life and the utter disgust I feel with my own appearance.
However, there are also a bunch of reasons I COULD have had to want to stay. But I don't have those either. No friends, no money, no hope of fulfilling my dream of becoming a novelist, few future romantic prospects.
So I have two good reasons to go, and no good reasons to stay. And yet I'm still here typing away.
I've tried for over 10 years to get better and it hasn't happened. Haven't I given it a fair shot at this point? Like when I talk to people about it they loooove to say in one way or another that it can get better. And, yeah, they're right. For some people it does get better. But I've tried for 10 years to make it better now. When can I finally say like "Okay, it's probably not going to get better?" I feel like pro-lifers will never be satisfied. And I think at this point I've given it a good shot and the chance of improvement is clearly negligible.
And yet despite all of that I'm still here; I KNOW that suicide is the right decision for me. I know that it is. And yet I'm still freaking here. Been trying to figure out why but it's harder to do than I might've thought.
Part of it is definitely fear of not existing. I think there's still some part of me which finds it hard to let go of the idea that things could get better, even though rationally I know that's unlikely. I think I struggle with the idea of not being able to say goodbye to a few people, particularly my previous girlfriend. I know I can leave a suicide note but that's different because I'll never be able to say goodbye personally and interactively. And then I think maybe the biggest reason is that suicide is my second choice.
What do I ACTUALLY want? I want my previous girlfriend to be with me again and to spend our lives together. I want to either realize that I am actually beautiful after all or BECOME beautiful in some way, plastic surgery or whatever. I want to suddenly be able to write great fiction and become a respected novelist. And then I want to move into a nice house with my beautiful girlfriend and spend the rest of my life with her there, writing novels.
That's what I ACTUALLY want, you know? And I know that none of that is going to happen. And so I have to go to my second choice instead. But it's really hard to pick that second choice. Cuz I'd so much rather have my first choice. I feel like I need to find a way to let go of that first choice. But I haven't figured out how yet.
Oh and just as a sidenote... I HATE how pro-life content drowns out everything else on the internet. Like I was searching on Youtube about ways to come to terms with things (I've also done this on Google before) and not only do I get some dumb message of "You're not alone" with a link to the suicide hotline before from Youtube that I have to click through but like every freaking video is pro-life. I know what you're gonna say "Of course, why are you searching this on Youtube or Google? It's pointless." And I understand that. I knew that when I made the search. But I don't know what else to do either. I need to find some way to come to terms with things and let my first choice go and I just have never found anything helpful in that respect. And I'm not sure if I can figure it out alone.
Btw, one more sidenote, what the fuck is up with corporations and these "You're not alone" messages? First of all, you're a big, faceless corporation. I know you don't give a fuck about whether I live or die. Secondly,how original. As a person who's been suicidal for over 10 years on and off I've DEFINITELY never heard that I'm not alone and to call the suicide hotline. Thirdly, I laugh at your self-compassion exercises, Youtube. Fuck you.
I should've been dead since October 2023 and I'm really fucking pissed off at myself for not having done it yet. And I feel like such an idiot for ignoring the truth that's right in front of me. Which is that it's the right decision for me to end things. It's so obvious and yet I haven't done it yet cuz I'm a moron.
But that's not EVERYONE. And that's clearly not me.
I've been going to various psychologists for over a decade. And while my current one has been very helpful in a lot of things, like improving my social anxiety, at the end of the day my depression has come back. And it's worse than ever. And it's because my depression isn't because of just mental illness. It's because my circumstances just are terrible.
I've got social anxiety and failure anxiety which have made me isolated and prevented me from getting my university diploma. I'm getting older and I've never had a job, nor do I own a house, nor any appreciable wealth. I don't really have any friends because of my social anxiety (not that that bothers me too much). I can't write anymore. I'm goddamn disgusting to look at as I'm realizing more and more. And my previous girlfriend, who I think was the love of my life, broke up with me several months ago.
There are really two reasons I WANT to end things: The pain of not having her in my life and the utter disgust I feel with my own appearance.
However, there are also a bunch of reasons I COULD have had to want to stay. But I don't have those either. No friends, no money, no hope of fulfilling my dream of becoming a novelist, few future romantic prospects.
So I have two good reasons to go, and no good reasons to stay. And yet I'm still here typing away.
I've tried for over 10 years to get better and it hasn't happened. Haven't I given it a fair shot at this point? Like when I talk to people about it they loooove to say in one way or another that it can get better. And, yeah, they're right. For some people it does get better. But I've tried for 10 years to make it better now. When can I finally say like "Okay, it's probably not going to get better?" I feel like pro-lifers will never be satisfied. And I think at this point I've given it a good shot and the chance of improvement is clearly negligible.
And yet despite all of that I'm still here; I KNOW that suicide is the right decision for me. I know that it is. And yet I'm still freaking here. Been trying to figure out why but it's harder to do than I might've thought.
Part of it is definitely fear of not existing. I think there's still some part of me which finds it hard to let go of the idea that things could get better, even though rationally I know that's unlikely. I think I struggle with the idea of not being able to say goodbye to a few people, particularly my previous girlfriend. I know I can leave a suicide note but that's different because I'll never be able to say goodbye personally and interactively. And then I think maybe the biggest reason is that suicide is my second choice.
What do I ACTUALLY want? I want my previous girlfriend to be with me again and to spend our lives together. I want to either realize that I am actually beautiful after all or BECOME beautiful in some way, plastic surgery or whatever. I want to suddenly be able to write great fiction and become a respected novelist. And then I want to move into a nice house with my beautiful girlfriend and spend the rest of my life with her there, writing novels.
That's what I ACTUALLY want, you know? And I know that none of that is going to happen. And so I have to go to my second choice instead. But it's really hard to pick that second choice. Cuz I'd so much rather have my first choice. I feel like I need to find a way to let go of that first choice. But I haven't figured out how yet.
Oh and just as a sidenote... I HATE how pro-life content drowns out everything else on the internet. Like I was searching on Youtube about ways to come to terms with things (I've also done this on Google before) and not only do I get some dumb message of "You're not alone" with a link to the suicide hotline before from Youtube that I have to click through but like every freaking video is pro-life. I know what you're gonna say "Of course, why are you searching this on Youtube or Google? It's pointless." And I understand that. I knew that when I made the search. But I don't know what else to do either. I need to find some way to come to terms with things and let my first choice go and I just have never found anything helpful in that respect. And I'm not sure if I can figure it out alone.
Btw, one more sidenote, what the fuck is up with corporations and these "You're not alone" messages? First of all, you're a big, faceless corporation. I know you don't give a fuck about whether I live or die. Secondly,how original. As a person who's been suicidal for over 10 years on and off I've DEFINITELY never heard that I'm not alone and to call the suicide hotline. Thirdly, I laugh at your self-compassion exercises, Youtube. Fuck you.
I should've been dead since October 2023 and I'm really fucking pissed off at myself for not having done it yet. And I feel like such an idiot for ignoring the truth that's right in front of me. Which is that it's the right decision for me to end things. It's so obvious and yet I haven't done it yet cuz I'm a moron.
