Hirokami
Out of order
- Feb 21, 2021
- 607
So, I found out one of my friends attempted to ctb and is now in the hospital for it. We had a bit off a falling out after she confessed to me and I told her that it wasn't going to work out. For starters, I am already taken and have no desire to be in an open relationship with her (even though she hinted at wanting that before). Two, even if I were single, she frankly isn't my type personality-wise (though, I still respect and care about her as a person). In any case, she left me on read and I figured she just needed space to heal. I felt really guilty that I hurt her like that, though I assumed it would pass as she's been through a lot in her life. And she keeps saying she's tough as nails, so I didn't think much of it. She was even still semi-active on her Discord server. Needless to say, she wasn't doing as well as I thought and now I feel horrible. She was already going through a lot of shit, and maybe my rejection worsened it. Maybe that was the final straw. Don't know. Part of me wants to believe she's just faking it and her "friend" is just her (after all, the message was sent from the same account as hers, though said friend claims to have borrowed her phone). Could be my denial, though.
I still feel pretty fucked up and somewhat dissociative, as if it didn't fully register in my head. God, if I inevitably lead someone into ctb ... I don't know how I could live with myself. Before I used to just be a nuisance and a burden. How the fuck could I cope with potentially leading someone I care about to their grave? Sorry if I'm rambling but I'm barely here and have nowhere else to vent.
I still feel pretty fucked up and somewhat dissociative, as if it didn't fully register in my head. God, if I inevitably lead someone into ctb ... I don't know how I could live with myself. Before I used to just be a nuisance and a burden. How the fuck could I cope with potentially leading someone I care about to their grave? Sorry if I'm rambling but I'm barely here and have nowhere else to vent.