Venting I feel like SI will take over again

[nootthenoot]

I plan to do it again tonight. Everything is ready to go for the most part. But I'm scared. What if SI takes over again and I lose motivation? I'm already feeling it creep in. I've been waiting to do this for weeks. I'm genuinely afraid that I'll chicken out again, or something will come up that will make me have to postpone. But what is the point of postponing something important because you don't feel like it? I have to do it before the new year, or else there will be no point. But what if I become a vegetable because of this? What if it all fails? Why do I have to be alive in the first place? Why isn't suicide easier to do without worrying about failing? This all would of been easier if I had access to a better income and SN. I keep wishing every day that I had a cup of water and SN on hand. Instead of having to figure out all the logistics of this, I could of spent my last moments listening to a playlist of my favorite songs, in my bed, while having a semi-peaceful death. Perhaps instead I can use a plastic bag over my head to CTB? But that is rather unreliable. Maybe the only reason my SI is this way is because of my method. It is the only way I can do this for a bunch of reasons, but it's also really scary. But then again, stuff like this is always going to be scary. I just need to get over that fear...I've read online that drowning (after the initial shock and fight) is a rather pleasant way to go. This fact helps me a lot to deal with it.

Another thing bugging me is the fact that this will almost certainly loo like a response to conflict. Apparently the therapist in charge of trying to 'save' me broke confidentiality on something serious. It wasn't anything he was required to report too, which sucked. I confronted him about this today over text and he apologized, but now I'm kind of worried that this would look like a revenge tactic/maladaptive coping, especially with my stupid BPD diagnoses I doubt I actually have. I have to do it anyway. This is what I want for myself. I've come to peace with death, and honestly I'm ready to go. It's either I do this tonight or on Friday night. These are both days I spoke/will speak to him. There is no turning around now. I'm done with life in general. This entire thing has been a headache for me.

I'll post another goodbye thread when I'm about to leave for the river. If I don't just assume that I chickened out again. Wish me luck in overcoming my SI in time for later tonight ^^

 

[Tristan]

That happened to me last night. SI always take over, I had even made a huge Facebook goodbye post. Now I look like an idiot to every single friend I have there who wrote that and worried with me all night long. Good luck to whatever comes your way. And don't blame yourself, it's really hard to let go of this life, even if it sucks and we want out. I just wanted a painless way to go, id be long gone if I had found that way.

 

[Willto]

Si kicks in every day. Planning to leave every day.

 

[Maudlin]

I plan to do it again tonight. Everything is ready to go for the most part. But I'm scared. What if SI takes over again and I lose motivation? I'm already feeling it creep in. I've been waiting to do this for weeks. I'm genuinely afraid that I'll chicken out again, or something will come up that will make me have to postpone. But what is the point of postponing something important because you don't feel like it? I have to do it before the new year, or else there will be no point. But what if I become a vegetable because of this? What if it all fails? Why do I have to be alive in the first place? Why isn't suicide easier to do without worrying about failing? This all would of been easier if I had access to a better income and SN. I keep wishing every day that I had a cup of water and SN on hand. Instead of having to figure out all the logistics of this, I could of spent my last moments listening to a playlist of my favorite songs, in my bed, while having a semi-peaceful death. Perhaps instead I can use a plastic bag over my head to CTB? But that is rather unreliable. Maybe the only reason my SI is this way is because of my method. It is the only way I can do this for a bunch of reasons, but it's also really scary. But then again, stuff like this is always going to be scary. I just need to get over that fear...I've read online that drowning (after the initial shock and fight) is a rather pleasant way to go. This fact helps me a lot to deal with it.

Another thing bugging me is the fact that this will almost certainly loo like a response to conflict. Apparently the therapist in charge of trying to 'save' me broke confidentiality on something serious. It wasn't anything he was required to report too, which sucked. I confronted him about this today over text and he apologized, but now I'm kind of worried that this would look like a revenge tactic/maladaptive coping, especially with my stupid BPD diagnoses I doubt I actually have. I have to do it anyway. This is what I want for myself. I've come to peace with death, and honestly I'm ready to go. It's either I do this tonight or on Friday night. These are both days I spoke/will speak to him. There is no turning around now. I'm done with life in general. This entire thing has been a headache for me.

I'll post another goodbye thread when I'm about to leave for the river. If I don't just assume that I chickened out again. Wish me luck in overcoming my SI in time for later tonight ^^

I hate my situation pretty bad, but I don't hate myself enough to drown myself. I've got a pretty strong survival instinct, and drowning is a struggle I don't want to ever put myself through.

I hope you find peace, noot. If I were you, I'd likely just find a different therapist.

Being me, I'll never bother with any therapist. Those people are snakes, lower than snakeshit. lol.

 

[Ethereal Knight]

This happened to me too, OP.

SI is difficult to deal with.

Also, ambivalence is a common characteristic of suicidal people, not because they don't really want to die, but instead because our system (both softwares and hardwares) always make us feel and think that there's hope, that we should keep trying and something good will happen, things will change etc. Hope dies last.

That happened to me last night. SI always take over, I had even made a huge Facebook goodbye post. Now I look like an idiot to every single friend I have there who wrote that and worried with me all night long. Good luck to whatever comes your way. And don't blame yourself, it's really hard to let go of this life, even if it sucks and we want out. I just wanted a painless way to go, id be long gone if I had found that way.

I made a goodbye post here on SS too.

After this experience of failing because I backed off and had second thoughts, now I plan to use impulsivity as a leverage to me.

This doesn't mean that my attempt will be a CTB done without rationality and based on momentary feelings – I have been thinking, evaluating and planning my CTB for almost 4 years, so it technically cannot on impulse.

Instead, this just means that I'll use the trick of taking advantage of momentary feelings (in my case, mostly of frustration, loneliness etc) to push myself to do this difficult task without hesitation or second thoughts.

I think that, as long as you choose a method that is highly lethal (highly reliable), and that doesn't require many days of preparation, doing it on impulse may be better.

I'll go with SN, so I'm lucky. I wake up one day and all I have to do is skip breakfast and lunch, so I can take the anti-emetics at afternoon, set an alarm and drink the SN.

This is not as little preparation as just taking a cyanide emergency pill (like soldiers and agents involved in espionage do), but I'd say it's still very little preparation, not to mention it's rather reliable, so SN is a viable method to be done on impulse.

Also, benzodiazepines seem to obliterate SI!

If you get high on benzos, you most likely simply won't care. This is a huge trick. Just take the highest dose that doesn't make you sleep

check this thread:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/on-the-usefulness-of-benzos-against-si.99778/

 

[nootthenoot]

I fucked up again. Looks like Friday is the new date

After this experience of failing because I backed off and had second thoughts, now I plan to use impulsivity as a leverage to me.

Honestly, that makes more sense for me to do. If I have a sudden impulse to do it before next week, I'll happily CTB then. But Friday is going to be the date I'm aiming for, hopefully the impulse to do it will come then...

 

[FuneralCry]

Drowning does sound like a difficult method to succeed with because of the SI and it sounds like such an awful way to leave this world as well. Of course it shouldn't be so much of a struggle to leave this world and I hate the fact that suicide can be this difficult.
It can certainly be tiring when you wish to leave yet you find it so hard to go through with it. I understand not wanting to fail ctb, that is what holds me back, the fear of something going wrong if I tried to attempt. But I wish you freedom from all suffering for when the time is right for you to leave this world.

 

[Nikki2020]

I hope you find peace. every night i plan to ctb and then my fking si kicks in and i get an overwhelming feeling of anxiety and i shake.

 

[nootthenoot]

Drowning does sound like a difficult method to succeed with because of the SI and it sounds like such an awful way to leave this world as well. Of course it shouldn't be so much of a struggle to leave this world and I hate the fact that suicide can be this difficult.
It can certainly be tiring when you wish to leave yet you find it so hard to go through with it. I understand not wanting to fail ctb, that is what holds me back, the fear of something going wrong if I tried to attempt. But I wish you freedom from all suffering for when the time is right for you to leave this world.

Honestly it is...I may end up going with hanging instead, but the physical pain will probably be too much to bare. I don't have any way to get better methods cause I'm broke, and honestly at this point my best bet is to go to the dollar store and either get a giant garbage bag to suffocate myself in or a skip rope. I'm honestly quite desperate at the moment.

I hope you find peace. every night i plan to ctb and then my fking si kicks in and i get an overwhelming feeling of anxiety and i shake.

Same ngl, especially after my first ever fail. It really does suck...