synthcadia
dissociated angel.
- Jul 8, 2023
- 278
i feel like shit again. and i just am tired. i mean i think i am just quite depressed now and i have contemplated catching the bus a lot, like when i'm driving, or i see pills, etc.
i am afraid that my friends are right about my boyfriend. but we are both neurotypical, and i understand where he's coming from. he has a lot of anxiety and overthinks and i get that. my friends think he is toxic and insecure, but i feel like i'm the same way.
i just feel trapped and not by him but me causing issues. i made him cry last night because i made him really worry since i just wanted him to quit smoking but i didn't want it to be an ultimatum. i just was trying to be more assertive and mirror what he had told me about his boundary.
and part of me wonders if he is making excuses but i also can tell that he is trying. and i just hate making him feel so badly. i hate it.
and i hate myself. i hate this brain of mine, how dissociated i am, how i think autistically because i think anyone with eyes can see i'm a little different and on the spectrum (and i don't mean quirky but actual social issues with social cues and my behavior and how i process and lack of awareness and etc).
i want everything to work out with my boyfriend. i just don't know why i feel so… empty. why i feel like i'm drowning.
he loves me and i love him and he is accepting of my DID and dissociation and everything when others and other partners haven't. i don't want to leave him. i don't want him to leave me.
i just want to stop feeling this way. i just hope he makes sacrifices too.
or i could just.. catch the bus. put an end to it all. in china cause then i'd be away.
but then i know i'd destroy so many people. i'd hurt so many people.
i could just dissociate out of here… idk.
i want this relationship to work SO badly. so so so badly. because i really love him so much. i just don't know if i'm asking for too much. i think i'm selfish.
i am afraid that my friends are right about my boyfriend. but we are both neurotypical, and i understand where he's coming from. he has a lot of anxiety and overthinks and i get that. my friends think he is toxic and insecure, but i feel like i'm the same way.
i just feel trapped and not by him but me causing issues. i made him cry last night because i made him really worry since i just wanted him to quit smoking but i didn't want it to be an ultimatum. i just was trying to be more assertive and mirror what he had told me about his boundary.
and part of me wonders if he is making excuses but i also can tell that he is trying. and i just hate making him feel so badly. i hate it.
and i hate myself. i hate this brain of mine, how dissociated i am, how i think autistically because i think anyone with eyes can see i'm a little different and on the spectrum (and i don't mean quirky but actual social issues with social cues and my behavior and how i process and lack of awareness and etc).
i want everything to work out with my boyfriend. i just don't know why i feel so… empty. why i feel like i'm drowning.
he loves me and i love him and he is accepting of my DID and dissociation and everything when others and other partners haven't. i don't want to leave him. i don't want him to leave me.
i just want to stop feeling this way. i just hope he makes sacrifices too.
or i could just.. catch the bus. put an end to it all. in china cause then i'd be away.
but then i know i'd destroy so many people. i'd hurt so many people.
i could just dissociate out of here… idk.
i want this relationship to work SO badly. so so so badly. because i really love him so much. i just don't know if i'm asking for too much. i think i'm selfish.
