Venting i feel like my sole purpose is to kill myself

[charlottewilts]

when i was very young, i think about 6 or so, my parents took me to a shrink. she said i was emotionally unstable. when i turned 17, another shrink diagnosed me with BPD. this was reinforced by another shrink when i was 19, who said i have a very severe case of it, along with traits from other personality disorders. therapy didn't help. i took medication while i was forced to stay in hospital after a failed attempt, and while it did take the suicidal thoughts away, i was so drugged i could not function like a regular person. i spat or puked it up for the rest of my stay because i couldn't handle feeling like a fucking machine.

it feels like such a cruel, cruel joke. i've got it good. against all odds, and the doctors called it a miracle, i managed to learn how to walk despite being severely deprived of oxygen at birth. i'm middle class. i haven't suffered any familial losses or those of ones close to me. i'm currently in the first year of university.

i'd gauge that i had a good childhood. i've never been heavily abused. i was almost always bullied, but never severely. so i can rule that possibility out when trying to figure out why i am like this.

but i want to die. i just want to die so, so badly. i think it's because of that oxygen deprivation at birth. while i am entirely mobile, it took away the part of my brain that's responsible for me having normal emotional responses, and, you know, not being suicidal all the fucking time.

sorry if this doesn't make any sense, i'm tipsy and just want to get this off my chest...

 

[Deleted member 1465]

when i was very young, i think about 6 or so, my parents took me to a shrink. she said i was emotionally unstable. when i turned 17, another shrink diagnosed me with BPD. this was reinforced by another shrink when i was 19, who said i have a very severe case of it, along with traits from other personality disorders. therapy didn't help. i took medication while i was forced to stay in hospital after a failed attempt, and while it did take the suicidal thoughts away, i was so drugged i could not function like a regular person. i spat or puked it up for the rest of my stay because i couldn't handle feeling like a fucking machine.

it feels like such a cruel, cruel joke. i've got it good. against all odds, and the doctors called it a miracle, i managed to learn how to walk despite being severely deprived of oxygen at birth. i'm middle class. i haven't suffered any familial losses or those of ones close to me. i'm currently in the first year of university.

i'd gauge that i had a good childhood. i've never been heavily abused. i was almost always bullied, but never severely. so i can rule that possibility out when trying to figure out why i am like this.

but i want to die. i just want to die so, so badly. i think it's because of that oxygen deprivation at birth. while i am entirely mobile, it took away the part of my brain that's responsible for me having normal emotional responses, and, you know, not being suicidal all the fucking time.

sorry if this doesn't make any sense, i'm tipsy and just want to get this off my chest...

I was a month premature and so underweight they said I wouldn't last the night. My Mum & Dad rushed in an emerge priest to get me baptised! I made it and was regarded as a miracle and spoilt thereafter.
I've often thought this might be the causal factor of the issues that have led me here.

 

[Thanatos]

when i was very young, i think about 6 or so, my parents took me to a shrink. she said i was emotionally unstable. when i turned 17, another shrink diagnosed me with BPD. this was reinforced by another shrink when i was 19, who said i have a very severe case of it, along with traits from other personality disorders. therapy didn't help. i took medication while i was forced to stay in hospital after a failed attempt, and while it did take the suicidal thoughts away, i was so drugged i could not function like a regular person. i spat or puked it up for the rest of my stay because i couldn't handle feeling like a fucking machine.

it feels like such a cruel, cruel joke. i've got it good. against all odds, and the doctors called it a miracle, i managed to learn how to walk despite being severely deprived of oxygen at birth. i'm middle class. i haven't suffered any familial losses or those of ones close to me. i'm currently in the first year of university.

i'd gauge that i had a good childhood. i've never been heavily abused. i was almost always bullied, but never severely. so i can rule that possibility out when trying to figure out why i am like this.

but i want to die. i just want to die so, so badly. i think it's because of that oxygen deprivation at birth. while i am entirely mobile, it took away the part of my brain that's responsible for me having normal emotional responses, and, you know, not being suicidal all the fucking time.

sorry if this doesn't make any sense, i'm tipsy and just want to get this off my chest...

I was born with the umbilical cord strangling me. I have also hypothesized this as a reason for my mental illness

 

[lovemelovemenot]

I was born with the umbilical cord strangling me. I have also hypothesized this as a reason for my mental illness

Same. Came into this world wanting to go out!

 

[khw777]

I feel so lost like I can't go on in life. I attempted to hang myself, and took an assortment of pills. Nothing ever works.
I have felt so bad I tried to order something over the internet to do the job but got scammed in process. Really would like to end it. It gets so disappointing and discouraging living this life. I pray God would kill me.

 

[Jean4]

I was a premie. As long as I can remember I hear a voice saying I want to die.

 

[SerenitySeeker]

I was born with the umbilical cord strangling me. I have also hypothesized this as a reason for my mental illness

^^ I was born the same way.
Just in the last few years I've read about babies being born in distress are predisposed to developing mood disorders. So fucked up but makes all the sense in the world especially as I look back on my life.

 

[woxihuanni]

My fucking mother went back home after birth and did a fuckload of cleaning as if there was not a newborn wanting to be cuddled and her body was not bloody raw. Why she was herself ever born I'll never understand.

Ah, and my grandmother only had my mother because she wanted to have 7 of her children die and carry her to heaven. She birthed more often than she farted.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

My fucking mother went back home after birth and did a fuckload of cleaning as if there was not a newborn wanting to be cuddled and her body was not bloody raw. Why she was herself ever born I'll never understand.

Ah, and my grandmother only had my mother because she wanted to have 7 of her children die and carry her to heaven. She birthed more often than she farted.

Can you explain this last part. I'm a bit confused by it

 

[woxihuanni]

Can you explain this last part. I'm a bit confused by it

When my grandma was a teenage peasant girl, she heard a folk myth that if 7 of your children die, they will make sure you go to heaven. She wished that this would happen to her. She birthed 13 kids, 7 died in her lifetime. My mother was the penultimate kid.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

When my grandma was a teenage peasant girl, she heard a folk myth that if 7 of your children die, they will make sure you go to heaven. She wished that this would happen to her. She birthed 13 kids, 7 died in her lifetime. My mother was the penultimate kid.

What the actual fuck??? I'm sorry but that's the most outrageous and cruel shit I've ever done heard

 

[woxihuanni]

What the actual fuck??? I'm sorry but that's the most outrageous and cruel shit I've ever done heard

My family should have been obliterated a few generations back, if not many.