Venting I feel like my reasons for continuing to live are trivial

[cowbain]

Im only living so I can get the opportunity to live a life of my own & because I want to experience being treated with basic human decency by others. I was deprived by being raised by narcs so most of the things people have that's second nature to them isn't that way for me.

But sometimes it feels so stupid to live for those experiences. Obviously it's not enough. People still kill themselves despite having those things. It's not guaranteed that I will even get those things. And if I do get them what if I still feel as bad as I do now? Maybe my brain will make up something new to be miserable over. Or maybe once I get a good life I'll switch sides and become like all of the other pro lifers and forget about the immense amount of suffering that goes on in this world. Idk which scenario would be worse.

I feel similar to a person being born in a 3rd world country and then moving to a 1st world country and becoming ecstatic about life. Metaphorically that would be me if I decided to live. And ofc life isn't so black and white. 1st world country doesn't equate 0 issues.

It almost seems better to get death over with now while I don't have any responsibilities and no one who'd be affected by my passing. At the very least if I stay I vow not to have kids. Ever. I'm not delusional enough to think they will save me or that they will become some savior for this world (aka the types that think their kid will cure cancer lol.)

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I don't think your reasons are trivial at all. Perhaps narc mentality contributed to your perception that they are. You're seeking things that people need to have a good quality of life. That sounds to me like you've achieved some healing and are grasping the reality that narcs try to gaslight others away from.

 

[TAW122]

It's an valid reason and I think whatever reason you choose, it's your prerogative to decide if it's good or not. If it's good enough for you and you can rationalize it, then that's all that matters. I wish you the best and peace in whatever you decide to do.

 

[cowbain]

I don't think your reasons are trivial at all. Perhaps narc mentality contributed to your perception that they are. You're seeking things that people need to have a good quality of life. That sounds to me like you've achieved some healing and are grasping the reality that narcs try to gaslight others away from.

You're probably right. Because of how badly I've been treated by people I internalize that and think that I must be the one that's bad. Bad things can't continuously happen to people that don't deserve it right? Maybe my happiness is worth living for...