I feel like my destiny is to just jump.. I feel fucking trapped beyond belief .. I can’t carry on living a lie of a life as if I’m ok

[cscott]

since being deeply suicidal and knowing death is my escape. I have tried jump many times and travelled far & spent money just to book a night apartment and get to places.

I tried hanging once or twice nothing serious but played around with it to see if it could work for me.. never could

I booked a ticket for a flight to an oversea place to go try get N and it didn't end up working ..

In the end I gave in and went for SN when I been super scared and didn't want to and even now this is just a no show .. have no clue where it is cause of where it's coming from and it's been 2 long weeks and others have ordered same time as me in diff country have got there's quick.. I can't wait any longer I'm sick of living .. I truly can't stand the thought of awakening anymore and just sitting on ss all day tryna make it through another day.

I hate myself for the fact I wanna jump from a high place and know I could be gone but I stay with the suffering out of fear. I feel trapped

I really am beyond tired. I'm sick of the fear trapping me .. it's has me in a prison

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand that it really can be so torturous feeling trapped here, jumping sounds like such a terrifying method to me, those who succeeded must have been so brave.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

I'm still here as well. Waiting for that final straw. Whatever that might be. Homelessness is what I believe it will take. Fuck who knows. I only think of jumping. No other method even seems plausible to me except gun, but I'm stuck on jumping. One of the hardest SI to overcome. I chose jumping for it's simplicity.

 

[cscott]

I'm still here as well. Waiting for that final straw. Whatever that might be. Homelessness is what I believe it will take. Fuck who knows. I only think of jumping. No other method even seems plausible to me except gun, but I'm stuck on jumping. One of the hardest SI to overcome. I chose jumping for it's simplicity.

honestly that's how I feel a lot of the time but then when I think of all the times I've tried.. I then think of other alternatives & then move into feeling beyond trapped. It's a vicious cycle, i often wonder how much does it take. Like ppl who jump must have let the insanity and unknown consume them so much they no longer even let si have them fear of what's next or how it will feel cause what they feel is way worse.

I often wonder what is that cause I feel beyond words of hell but still can't push past this so I wonder a fuxking lot.

To me si is really fear of death(the unknown) holding us back. & when the pain becomes unbearable we will surrender to it I guess.

Cause I know for sure when I think of jumping for example or even N or SN as those were my other preferred options.. I still get a weird fear of just falling asleep and awakening or not knowing what's next. Even though I'm certain it's nothingness a eternal black peace that I won't even be aware of anymore cause I'll be gone but still.. it's a weird paradox.

I watched a video and it said it's like a player who's been in a video game for so long they forgotten it's a game and take it as real. Or we're now fearful of taking off the headset for the video game cause we've been in it for so long

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

since being deeply suicidal and knowing death is my escape. I have tried jump many times and travelled far & spent money just to book a night apartment and get to places.

I tried hanging once or twice nothing serious but played around with it to see if it could work for me.. never could

I booked a ticket for a flight to an oversea place to go try get N and it didn't end up working ..

In the end I gave in and went for SN when I been super scared and didn't want to and even now this is just a no show .. have no clue where it is cause of where it's coming from and it's been 2 long weeks and others have ordered same time as me in diff country have got there's quick.. I can't wait any longer I'm sick of living .. I truly can't stand the thought of awakening anymore and just sitting on ss all day tryna make it through another day.

I hate myself for the fact I wanna jump from a high place and know I could be gone but I stay with the suffering out of fear. I feel trapped

I really am beyond tired. I'm sick of the fear trapping me .. it's has me in a prison

I can relate to much of what you are saying. My chosen method has always been jumping because once you commit and go over the edge of a high enough elevation then CTB is pretty much guaranteed.
Ideally my perfect method would be to exit this dreadful existence by using N. Yet obtaining N is now almost impossible, even travelling to Mexico is pointless because real N is extremely difficult to obtain and there is a lot of fake N going around because scammers know how difficult it is to obtain.
I honestly think that jumping ( preferably after a few strong drinks ) is going to be my only method now.
I'm so sorry you are suffering so much, life is so cruel to to some of us , and for no good reason.