i feel like i've had 4 "worst years of my life" in a row

[apple2myeye!]

2019 - a complete clusterfuck in every way imaginable. also the year i started being actively suicidal. new year's eve, i think to myself "wow, that was the worst year of my entire life".
2020 - do i even need to explain? new year's eve, i think to myself "wow, that was the worst year of my entire life".
2021 - my mental health goes straight down the shitter throughout the whole year. new year's eve, i think to myself "wow, that was the worst year of my entire life".
2022 - there's just such a malaise to everything now. i can barely describe it. everything feels gray and low vibrational, even more than it did before. no wondering what i'll think to myself on new year's eve.

2022 currently holds the record for the worst year of my life and tomorrow will probably be the worst day of my life. the dog i've had since i was 12 years old is set to be euthanized in the morning (parents are taking her). she has a tumor in her liver. she's not eating or drinking anything. she's tye sweetest thing you'll ever see ahd she got a tumor in her liver. she was supposed to live for anotyer 4-5 years(?) but sye got a fucking tukomor in yher liver. ive already screamed my lungs oy7ut today thinking about it. i doht even wanna know how im gonna feel waking up in the morning knowing the last innocent thing in my lfie is ogne.. i dont know how much longer i can go. as always im sorry76 for tyeis post being all ovyer the place but im just tired and scared and i cahjnt fuckiung take it any more. i cahbt even look at tgyher

 

[ShanaRei]

Absolutely. Worst five or six years of my life, but end of '21 and '22 have been the absolute worst in terms of everything. I am not looking forward '23
I'm sorry to hear about your dog as well. I lost one of mine in '21 and still not over it.

 

[hopeless302]

everything started going downhill for me about 2017. I feel like every year is the new "worst year of my life".

 

[Rounded Apathy]

2020 - do i even need to explain? new year's eve, i think to myself "wow, that was the worst year of my entire life".

I laughed for the first time today reading that, thanks. Similar feeling and timeline to you, actually.

• 2016 - started off being maybe the hardest time in life up to that point, then hit a stride and was one of the absolute best sustained periods in my life. But before the year was up the worst thing I'd ever experienced to that point happened, far outranking anything else.
• 2017 - learning how to function and live again. Had the supports to get back to crossing from surviving to thriving, made plans for the future, etc. Mostly good, till the very last day of the year when began a physical ailment (that would and still does recur intermittently) that caused me to wonder for the first time how I could continue living.
• 2018 - got over (round 1 of) the malady, health still weird after. Put previous year's plans into action. Feeling good again, then out of nowhere LTP leaves me. Life explodes. Return to native country in a daze, friends support me but I'm a zombie; keep on my previous plans via autopilot, despite more weird new health shit emerging; body image issues begin. NYE is back with friends and I actually feel happy. But...
• 2019 - relocate to a nearby place where I am alone 90% of the time in a place with harsh winter, first I've had in years. As I sit there, the weight of everything till now crashes down and I realise I don't want to be living. Every day is nothing but all parts of this; bonus is other friend nearby actively avoids me after my expression of needing support, just by hanging out. Rest of year is fuckedly up/down - travel, volunteer & visit a friend=fun, remember feeling like I want to live. Get sick, running out of money=remember my body is messed up and I should head "home" to take it easy. Get a good temp job, reconnect with past and face some demons=yay I can do things. Head west to avoid winter, live alone in a trailer, get drugged and involuntarily hospitalized=new low, autopilot survival, help from new contacts. End the year feeling incredibly fragile, but in a new geographical place with promise and feeling supported.
• 2020 - actively continuing to try and build a better life for myself; well...yeah, that went to shit, didn't it. More or less coping by year's end, setting "plans" for next year.
• 2021 - January first resurgence of that devastating health thing, worse this time; have some key supports but environment is far worse. Begins to crop up more regularly. Summer is almost kinda nice. Fall I relocate, things are stable for the time being, health still in shambles, trying actively to get help for it but things aren't clear cut and are a bureaucratic limbo to boot. NYE is the first day without pain in several weeks; cautiously optimistic.
• 2022 - optimism fades; why bother healing when normal life sucks anyway? Try to make life improving changes - better job, connect socially, date, etc. None pan out. Longstanding friends begin to feel distant, again after expressing need for support (as little as phone/video calls unheeded). First summer I mostly let slip by doing nothing. Had fun with a new hobby but was limited by health & money. Take med. leave from work & buy a pricey teaching cert. course access, but with a still slowly worsening body and virtually no human interaction, motivation dies. Three months left, don't know how I can get on track to finish. Self-loathing sets in.

TL;DR - I feel this. Shitty things increasing in frequency and intensity for years. Which is why I am now here and have SN. Don't know when enough will truly be "enough", but everything has a limit.

 

[Domimi]

Was it because of COVID? I feel like it ruined so much lives with the isolation, economy being fckd up, loss of loved ones, paranoia and fear and everything. Not everyone was able to recover from that. Personaly, I think I only had two good years in my life, 2006 (the year of football world cup, I was a curious kid and learned a lot a that time, life was fun back then) and 2021 (got a good relief from sadness through my diet, started working in something I liked and made a decent amount of money).

I can relate to the crippling feeling of losing your pet. I lost my cat some years ago and to this day I still get emotive when I remember about her (It's not easy to make me feel emotive), she was basically a driving force in my life, I liked so much to play with her and do things for her. In a way it felt like I cared for her even more than for my parents. So yea, at this time you're probably devasted and it would be silly of me to think that I can just talk you out of it, but I still wish the best for you and hopefully you will get out of this struggle eventually. Feel free to vent here as much as you want, by putting these feelings out you can deal with them better.

 

[actual_fox]

It started for me in 2020- It is when I noticed things are shit.
But every year before I had some sort of chronic struggle or difficulty. It was always something. It is just I noticed that I live in hell in 2020 and I started considering that It is this life that is hard.

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing can certainly be cruel and painful and I get that it can be awful feeling trapped in a life that is just endless suffering. I personally wish for no more years, I'm already tired enough, and it's such a horrible feeling knowing that life can and will (at least for me) get much worse the longer I stay here. But I wish you the best.

 

[Hirokami]

I can relate. 2019, 2020, and 2022 were/are just horrid for me. 2019 was probably the absolute worse for me, though, 2022 being a close contender. In fact, I was actually planning to ctb in 2019 but too many factors got in the way. And if 2022 was such a shitshow, it gets me worried about 2023. What's going to happen then? I just can't help but to fear that the bullshit from this year will carry over to next year plus some new troubles.