Venting I feel like I've dug my own grave.

[newintown]

No matter how much I try to convince myself that I'm trying to be different or that I'm making some sort of progress, I feel that it's all for naught, and that I'm just on a very slow and agonizing pact towards utter failure. I feel that my only real way out or to make amends for all of my mistakes would be just taking that bus.

What makes me especially livid is the fact that all of this is exclusively my fault. My life could be great if only I hadn't literally took every single bad choice I was presented with. I feel that no matter what, it's too late now, and I will never be able to save myself in any capacity. All my attempts to do so are just going to be worth nothing, in the end.

Not a single day passes without me wishing I was dead, that something would just kill me already or that I was never born to begin with. I firmly believe my existence is a mistake.

 

[LivingInDaydreams]

I can kinda relate to the feeling. I feel like I'm, for lack of a better word, destined to CBT eventually. No matter how long I hold on or how life improves (or doesn't), I'm only prolonging the inevitable. Perhaps that makes it a "self fulfilling prophecy" I don't know. But I do understand the feeling of moving forward towards an inescapable failure, no matter what.

 

[newintown]

I can kinda relate to the feeling. I feel like I'm, for lack of a better word, destined to CBT eventually. No matter how long I hold on or how life improves (or doesn't), I'm only prolonging the inevitable. Perhaps that makes it a "self fulfilling prophecy" I don't know. But I do understand the feeling of moving forward towards an inescapable failure, no matter what.

Thank you for your reply, you managed to summarize perfectly what I'm feeling too. I hope we can both get out of this, one way or another.

 

[Lostone47]

I feel this. The worst part is knowing you could have actually lived a good life if you had just made better choices. I know a lot of people with these feelings are stuck with terrible circumstances that aren't their own fault but I feel like the realization that you are the sole cause of your own destruction is markedly worse.

 

[Arachno]

the realization that you are the sole cause of your own destruction is markedly worse.

No matter how much I try to convince myself that I'm trying to be different or that I'm making some sort of progress, I feel that it's all for naught, and that I'm just on a very slow and agonizing pact towards utter failure. I feel that my only real way out or to make amends for all of my mistakes would be just taking that bus.

What makes me especially livid is the fact that all of this is exclusively my fault. My life could be great if only I hadn't literally took every single bad choice I was presented with. I feel that no matter what, it's too late now, and I will never be able to save myself in any capacity. All my attempts to do so are just going to be worth nothing, in the end.

Not a single day passes without me wishing I was dead, that something would just kill me already or that I was never born to begin with. I firmly believe my existence is a mistake.

No matter how long I hold on or how life improves (or doesn't), I'm only prolonging the inevitable.

I hope we can both get out of this, one way or another.

I can relate the posts and feelings on this thread so much, I feel like this too.

 

[LossOfMe]

No matter how much I try to convince myself that I'm trying to be different or that I'm making some sort of progress, I feel that it's all for naught, and that I'm just on a very slow and agonizing pact towards utter failure. I feel that my only real way out or to make amends for all of my mistakes would be just taking that bus.

What makes me especially livid is the fact that all of this is exclusively my fault. My life could be great if only I hadn't literally took every single bad choice I was presented with. I feel that no matter what, it's too late now, and I will never be able to save myself in any capacity. All my attempts to do so are just going to be worth nothing, in the end.

Not a single day passes without me wishing I was dead, that something would just kill me already or that I was never born to begin with. I firmly believe my existence is a mistake.

I, as well, can relate to this. It's terrible how our mind will keep rewinding the moments when we made those mistakes, plaguing us with the "what ifs" scenarios where we took the other route. Would it have lead to a different outcome? Would we not be feeling like this utter failure right now?

I don't think your (or mine) existence was a mistake, OP. But the world feels too cruel, too cold. Merciless, even towards factors we don't have a control on... It didn't allow you to be your best version. Please, have a hug from me, wherever you are

 

[sklvlp999]

To suffer terribly and to know yourself as the cause? That is hell.
I feel you
I feel you