Venting I feel like I'm turning into my mom (TW: CSA)

[parakeeting-pain]

I can't use a public restroom without getting scared someone's watching. I can't look into anyone's eyes without thinking about several ways they want me dead or r@ped. It doesn't matter who, how nice they are or cruel. I talk to them about my trauma and eventually, my mind turns the tables on them... they're too nice to not want to hurt me. So, I cut them off and yet still need someone to be fucking nice to me.

But nice people are liars! That's what she said and I'm losing my mind trying to navigate the world... I think I'll turn everyone into my enemy. When I'm alone and desperate... will I hurt someone like she hurt me? I don't want to do that but how much of a stretch is it... going from... 'I was made to be hurt' to 'I could hurt them'? I don't know.

I've always been sure that I'd kill myself before then... but here I am... an adult. I've been letting myself go too long and I'm going mad. I'm either going to get hurt or hurt someone else so it's just better to end the whole thing.

 

[SoftWorries]

Mice kept in ever smaller cages will get increasingly aggressive. It isn't an abnormal thing for you to feel and actually anger is a higher state of consciousness than shame, apathy, blame.

You weren't made to be hurt. You were born through your mother not to her. You were born from nature's infatuation with itself.

Maybe you'll learn to trust when you find someone worth trusting.

 

[parakeeting-pain]

Mice kept in ever smaller cages will get increasingly aggressive. It isn't an abnormal thing for you to feel and actually anger is a higher state of consciousness than shame, apathy, blame.

You weren't made to be hurt. You were born through your mother not to her. You were born from nature's infatuation with itself.

Maybe you'll learn to trust when you find someone worth trusting.

Perhaps... yeah, I don't want to cage myself. It just feels safer, for me and everyone. I wouldn't know where else to go anyway. I get angry alot... I mean we were all kids but somehow everyone managed to look out for one another but not me. I suppose that was my mom's design for icing everyone out but gosh... ugh. I'm tired of people yet distancing myself is what got me here in the first place. I hope I find someone but also I doubt I'm capable enough to convince anyone to enjoy my miserable company.

 

[Twiceler]

I kinda feel the same. The life itself and relationships between people are full of paradoxes, that I, personally, failed to solve. And I just gave up then

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds really awful what you have to endure, it's certainly such a hellish world we exist in where humans create so much harm. But anyway I wish you the best.