Venting I feel like I'm not going to get better and that I'm better off dead

[BarelyLucid]

It's been over a year now since I've started treatment and I have to say that I haven't gotten better at all. in fact, I feel like I've gotten worse and worse. I've met with both a therapist and a psychiatrist in my best efforts to be better but even after all this time, a lot of my issues aren't in control and I feel like I can't do anything. My issues aren't in control and I think they've been getting worse. Now I'm single and barely staying together. I'm in this place where all I can do is just barely stop myself from ending myself. My friend has tried his best to help me but I think its genuinely over for me. I can't keep this mask up, its been so long and I'm so tired. I have to actively think about not trying to kill myself and its draining. My days consist of me trying to keep together and trying my best to go to sleep as much as possible to avoid having to live. I'm a waste of space, time, and money and I feel like I should use the last of my money to just go as far away as possible and catch the bus with a note that states who I am and to not reveal myself to my family or friends so that they just think that I ran away instead. I tried treatment and I tried to live but it doesn't work for me and I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of drowning myself in caffeine and wasting myself away.

 

[Catch-22]

It's been over a year now since I've started treatment and I have to say that I haven't gotten better at all. in fact, I feel like I've gotten worse and worse. I've met with both a therapist and a psychiatrist in my best efforts to be better but even after all this time, a lot of my issues aren't in control and I feel like I can't do anything. My issues aren't in control and I think they've been getting worse. Now I'm single and barely staying together. I'm in this place where all I can do is just barely stop myself from ending myself. My friend has tried his best to help me but I think its genuinely over for me. I can't keep this mask up, its been so long and I'm so tired. I have to actively think about not trying to kill myself and its draining. My days consist of me trying to keep together and trying my best to go to sleep as much as possible to avoid having to live. I'm a waste of space, time, and money and I feel like I should use the last of my money to just go as far away as possible and catch the bus with a note that states who I am and to not reveal myself to my family or friends so that they just think that I ran away instead. I tried treatment and I tried to live but it doesn't work for me and I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of drowning myself in caffeine and wasting myself away.

You wish you the best and I hope you find and end to your pain one way or the other. I would like to leave too unfortunately it's not as easy as I once thought. I don't know how many years you've been in treatment for depression but I do know there are different underlying causes that mainstream psychiatry is unaware of or just don't care about probably both. I thought I was just genetically born with severe depression and anxiety and health issues but I learned a year ago because I actually had underlying infections. Not super uncommon yet for some people they will cause psychiatric issues. I don't know how old you are but I know for me it's been many decades Maybe we could figure things out and still have a chance. I know there's also testing now that can determine the best antidepressants that will help you depending on your DNA

 

[SMmetalhead36]

It's been over a year now since I've started treatment and I have to say that I haven't gotten better at all. in fact, I feel like I've gotten worse and worse. I've met with both a therapist and a psychiatrist in my best efforts to be better but even after all this time, a lot of my issues aren't in control and I feel like I can't do anything. My issues aren't in control and I think they've been getting worse. Now I'm single and barely staying together. I'm in this place where all I can do is just barely stop myself from ending myself. My friend has tried his best to help me but I think its genuinely over for me. I can't keep this mask up, its been so long and I'm so tired. I have to actively think about not trying to kill myself and its draining. My days consist of me trying to keep together and trying my best to go to sleep as much as possible to avoid having to live. I'm a waste of space, time, and money and I feel like I should use the last of my money to just go as far away as possible and catch the bus with a note that states who I am and to not reveal myself to my family or friends so that they just think that I ran away instead. I tried treatment and I tried to live but it doesn't work for me and I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of drowning myself in caffeine and wasting myself away.

Despite me loving my therapist, psychiatry did nothing for me. The meds I was given did nothing. Alcohol and pills did me better than psych meds. That's why I continue to medicate with pills and alcohol till I CTB. I hope you find peace and best of luck to you.