Venting i feel like i'm a faker

[slashedpiel]

i'm always thinking about CTBing, but i feel like one part that holds me back the most is being scared of what is after death or missing out on things. sometimes i genuinely believe that i'm not "really suicidal" if i don't plan to take my own life anytime soon. even when i go through some sort of episode, the most i'll go is hurting myself. i never usually bring these topics up with my therapist because i'm convinced she'll somehow (this is highly unrealistic lol) tell me i'm not "suicidal" because of my logical decision of going against it, no matter how terrible i feel. anybody else think this way too?

 

[9thFloorAngel]

I think it's pretty normal to feel this way. I'm still trying to make peace with the idea of death myself. Even though I've decided that there's nothing left for me here and I want to CTB, dying is freakin' scary. Overcoming that survival instinct is hard.

I think it's also important not to compare yourself to some hypothetical "standard" for what a suicidal person is. It's not a label that comes with any grace to begin with. Focus on working through what you're feeling and why you feel that way; this will help you better understand what you actually need - whether it's CTBing or whether it's recovery.

 

[mousepadkeyboard223]

i feel pretty much exactly the same way as you, except i feel like a faker so much to the point i havent sought help yet. however i'll try to in the future because i want to exhaust all my options before ctb. as for what is after death or missing out on things, i personally believe that there is nothing after death, and that a person would not be able to think or care after dying, but that is my personal belief.
going back to feeling like you're faking it, imo whatever ur feeling doesn't need validation from ur therapist. i think 9thfloorangel put it nicely; i don't think there is a 'standard suicidal person.' wishing you the best

 

[Lovelorn]

To a lot of people it's just a lingering thought or a thing to fall back on. If you're anything like me and many others, it probably provides solace knowing that you can dip out if things get really bad. Or even be freeing in a physical sense where you're not afraid of trying new things because you're gonna be dead anyway, right? And if that's what gets you through the day, it gets you through the day; nothing wrong with that.

Don't downplay it either. Being suicidal isn't just one extreme. I think any kind of yearning thought or ideation qualifies you as such. Since you're still hanging onto life, you have to acknowledge that your pain isn't to be glossed over because many others might have it worse.

 

[downndone2]

I'm afraid of the act, dying, what will happen to my dogs, the people I love left behind.
I'm afraid of what happens after death.

 

[bigdog]

I am afraid of pain

 

[hellispink]

It is hard to let go, it is how life works. But one has to decide before life passes between one's eyes

 

[slashedpiel]

I think it's pretty normal to feel this way. I'm still trying to make peace with the idea of death myself. Even though I've decided that there's nothing left for me here and I want to CTB, dying is freakin' scary. Overcoming that survival instinct is hard.

I think it's also important not to compare yourself to some hypothetical "standard" for what a suicidal person is. It's not a label that comes with any grace to begin with. Focus on working through what you're feeling and why you feel that way; this will help you better understand what you actually need - whether it's CTBing or whether it's recovery.

apologies for the late response, but this puts a lot of things into perspective. i'm still trying to get out of my warped view of what a suicidal person "looks like". thank you for that

I'm afraid of the act, dying, what will happen to my dogs, the people I love left behind.
I'm afraid of what happens after death.

i think that's exactly what i'm most afraid of. i'm always just holding out for what could happen tomorrow