Venting I feel like I have exhausted all my options

[demonioruim]

I'm a male, 22yo.
Basically, I feel too ugly to even go outside. I hate myself, I've never had a girlfriend and I wouldn't know what sex feels like to this day if I hadn't paid for it (it is legal in my country, wouldn't do it again, though). I'll never have teenage love, I'll never know what it is like to attract women sexually or even be loved by one. It is pretty sad to think I'm that undesirable, despite my effort.

I've tried skin care routines, going to the gym, strict diets, better clothes, everything, but my genetics for building muscle suck. It feels like I was born to be a fucking LOSER. I was in the gym this morning and I had to stop the workout to go home because I was about to have a fucking mental breakdown (I saw my face in the mirror and lost it).

Anyway, I'm thinking about using SN to kill myself soon. My mom discovered about my suicidal thoughts, she cried, told me I looked perfect to her, that she wouldn't be able to live if I did it, but I don't think she gets how I feel. I would do it in a hotel room, that way she wouldn't have to find my dead body. I'd also leave enough money for a cremation and etc.

 

[lita-lassi]

poor self esteem is so unnecessarily cruel, im sorry you feel this way about yourself. there are folks that will love unconditional of your appearance, i hope youre able to find them and some peace

 

[Kempel556]

I get how you feel I also have low self esteem, never had a gf nor did have any significant interaction with women and dont have any friends, but I just stopped caring about how I look like, still have low self esteem though but its a little better now
Hope this can help somehow

 

[avoid]

Have you considered getting a pet? They will give you unconditional love and you'll grow to love them. It doesn't have to be a dog. Smaller hamster-like animals do well too.

I'm an endomorph (body type) too so I understand that struggle. Easy to gain muscle, difficult to lose fat. I used to go to the gym but it's so tedious so I stopped going. Now, I cycle at least twice a week when the weather is good. It makes me happy to cycle through farmlands, forests and small villages. So maybe you could try something similar. Do the exercises that make you happy for real, not in the gym. Examples: cycling, rowing, hiking, boxing, skating, swimming, or a group sport if you're comfortable with that.

Also, get a "fuck it" attitude. You need to focus on how you feel in your own skin and start ignoring how others may or may not perceive you.

Oh, and maybe try creating/building something. This is off-topic but a sense of accomplishment can make you feel good about yourself. For example, cook a proper dinner (follow a recipe), or start drawing things from your environment on paper, or buy a piece of wood and widdle it down to any shape. The worst case is that you learn from your mistakes. The best case is that you did it. I recommend avoiding creating/building something digitally.

 

[avaruus]

I can totally relate to you, it sucks.

 

[Candle in the wind]

I understand you, friend. I have a model appearance, but this did not help me in life due to low self-esteem. thanks to parents...

 

[demonioruim]

Have you considered getting a pet? They will give you unconditional love and you'll grow to love them. It doesn't have to be a dog. Smaller hamster-like animals do well too.

I'm an endomorph (body type) too so I understand that struggle. Easy to gain muscle, difficult to lose fat. I used to go to the gym but it's so tedious so I stopped going. Now, I cycle at least twice a week when the weather is good. It makes me happy to cycle through farmlands, forests and small villages. So maybe you could try something similar. Do the exercises that make you happy for real, not in the gym. Examples: cycling, rowing, hiking, boxing, skating, swimming, or a group sport if you're comfortable with that.

Also, get a "fuck it" attitude. You need to focus on how you feel in your own skin and start ignoring how others may or may not perceive you.

Oh, and maybe try creating/building something. This is off-topic but a sense of accomplishment can make you feel good about yourself. For example, cook a proper dinner (follow a recipe), or start drawing things from your environment on paper, or buy a piece of wood and widdle it down to any shape. The worst case is that you learn from your mistakes. The best case is that you did it. I recommend avoiding creating/building something digitally.

I have a pet already. It is good, but humans are designed to have another human as their partner, not an animal. What I know I'm missing is the intimacy with a female partner, which I haven't had to this day.

I think I don't really want to do anything else other than be handsome, but that is impossible. I'd offer 6 newborn babies to Moloch right now just to be born again but with good genes (the baby part is a joke, of course).

I appreciate the effort you put in your reply, stranger. I hope you have a good life and people that care for you.

I understand you, friend. I have a model appearance, but this did not help me in life due to low self-esteem. thanks to parents...

Doesn't having model-like appearance boost your self-esteem on it's own? Like, didn't boys/girls in school show interest in you or stuff like that? It must feel nice to receive attention just for being born with good genes.

How did your parents affect your self-esteem?