I'm in EMDR therapy and on Friday we were discussing how nothing I did could ever satisfy my family so that they would genuinely love me. Everything was (I have cut them out of my life) transactional, and they only expressed "love" when I did something that benefitted them, but I was never thanked or appreciated, and they were never genuinely proud; it was expected of me.
Likely because of this, a strong feeling of "never being good enough" is engrained in my psyche. It has spread widely, not just within family matters, but how I view myself as a whole. I feel like I will never deserve a fruitful life because I am unworthy, and therefore I feel no desire or motivation to do the actions that would get me out of this rut of despair that I'm in. Why would I? After all, I'm unworthy.
It's virtually a form of self harm. I know what I need to do to feel better, to better my circumstances and my health, but my "unworthiness" is in the way. During therapy he had me visualize the mental block and I pictured a slimy, elastic film that I could not tear through. He told me to picture the tool that could pierce the film and where it came from, and I saw a glowing fang dagger given to me by my Higher Power.
He told me to visualize using the dagger to pierce the veil and walk through, and so I did. He asked how it felt - and it felt like I wasn't allowed to walk through. That I was destined to stay on the side of sorrow and suffering. It was an illusion, I was never actually given the tool, the dagger, by my Higher Power, to pierce the film. I wasn't worthy. This is where we ran out of time for the session.
I hope next week we can dive deep into why I feel this way.
Love you guys
Likely because of this, a strong feeling of "never being good enough" is engrained in my psyche. It has spread widely, not just within family matters, but how I view myself as a whole. I feel like I will never deserve a fruitful life because I am unworthy, and therefore I feel no desire or motivation to do the actions that would get me out of this rut of despair that I'm in. Why would I? After all, I'm unworthy.
It's virtually a form of self harm. I know what I need to do to feel better, to better my circumstances and my health, but my "unworthiness" is in the way. During therapy he had me visualize the mental block and I pictured a slimy, elastic film that I could not tear through. He told me to picture the tool that could pierce the film and where it came from, and I saw a glowing fang dagger given to me by my Higher Power.
He told me to visualize using the dagger to pierce the veil and walk through, and so I did. He asked how it felt - and it felt like I wasn't allowed to walk through. That I was destined to stay on the side of sorrow and suffering. It was an illusion, I was never actually given the tool, the dagger, by my Higher Power, to pierce the film. I wasn't worthy. This is where we ran out of time for the session.
I hope next week we can dive deep into why I feel this way.
Love you guys
