i feel like i can't see

[you cant find me]

As far back as I can remember (which is not very long as my autobiographical memory is shite) I've felt like I can't see. I have 20/20 vision--I got it checked for this very reason--but I feel like there's a sheet of dirty glass over my eyes at all times, or like I'm wearing VR goggles (not exactly watching a movie, like most people who dissociate say--it's not as extreme as that). I hate wearing actual glasses because it makes the feeling even worse. I think I have visual snow which might make the effect worse but I couldn't even tell for months because I couldn't get myself to SEE the visual snow--even though I see it 24/7. I've thought it might be dpdr, but that's usually more intense and related to trauma. I have felt more intense dissociation very few times, where I feel like I actually retreat into my own brain, but most of the time it's like I'm just slightly behind--looking through the glass at a zoo exhibit. Maybe it's a mild form of dpdr from depression and vicarious/secondary trauma, though I haven't really seen people describe this feeling. I also have mild forms of the other symptoms of dpdr--feeling disconnected and like "me" doesn't exist. But either I'm in denial or my case is mild compared to everyone else's.

Does anyone else feel like this?? It's hard to explain and I don't even know if I'm just imagining it...

Edit: To try to explain more...It feels like I can see but I don't absorb any of the visual information. Almost like I'm zoned out or on autopilot all the time. I also have an extremely hard time visualizing things (aphantasia) and a bad visual memory. Like, if I'm looking at a beautiful sunset or anything at all, and then I look away, I can barely recall that image in my head even in a nonvisual way. I can also barely remember things that happen in my own life or in books that I read, though my memory doesn't seem too terrible for other sorts of information for some reason. I try to take lots of photos on my phone and camera because I feel like that's the only way I'll ever remember my own life. I don't know if the aphantasia and bad memory is related to this dirty-glass feeling but it might be worth mentioning. Sorry for the long post

 

[timf]

If your internal mental processing is primarily involved with self concerns, it may make a sort of disconnect with the visual information coming in from the world in real time.

It might be a useful experiment to make an intentional connection with your immediate environment to see if that improves your memory or vision. You might further experiment with seeing if there is a difference between something like a video game and a social connection.