My journey has been very very long and hard. I am only in my 20s but I've experienced a lot of trauma, SA, homelessness, etc.
I had spent about 4-5 years trying to take my life at least once a month. I feel like such a failure for surviving all of them. But a few years ago I got diagnosed as neurodivergent and it changed everything. I got myself into a much better space. Suicide wasn't an option anymore. I still had the thoughts from time to time but I was on top of it and I was doing well. Unfortunately the mental health services caused a lot of harm. They did not agree with the neurodivergent diagnoses even though it literally stopped my attempts immediately. Due to my diagnoses as well, I've been held against my will for behaviours that are literally just my neurodivergence. They don't understand and they only make things worse. Because of this, I can't ask for help. I can't tell anyone in real life how bad things are currently because they'd have to report it.
All of this stuff makes me feel like a failure for wanting to end it all now after everything I've done. Honestly it's hard to explain it all because I'm scared of being recognised here. But basically I have been dealing with severe physical pain my whole life. I think it is probably hypermobile ehlers danlos and craniocervical instability. However, over the last 4 months I have been dealing with a lot of pain and a lot of other symptoms like throwing up, fainting, rashes, loss of feeling in my limbs, inability to hold my head up, nausea...to name a few. Long story short is that I've gone from being extremely active and extroverted, to esssentially stuck lying down and unable to go out. It took 4 months but I finally managed to get the pain side of things under control with meds, however, anything I do while the pain relief is working, impacts my condition when the pain relief wears off. So for example, the more I move around when the pain is okay, the more severe the pain will be when it wears off. On top of this the other symptoms persist even when the pain is under control. But doctors aren't looking into it. They say they cant answer whether or not I have EDS and they won't even look into the symptoms themselves. Blood tests have come back normal.
Anyway, cutting to the chase, there's no end in sight. I'm isolated and unable to function physically a lot of the time. I can't enjoy anything at the moment. I can't go on like this. Partly this current situation but also bigger in the sense that I manage to pull myself through things people thought I might not survive, then life throws another thing my way. Like there's always something. I'm always having to fight to survive for one reason or another and I just can't do it anymore. At the same time, I clearly suck at dying so I don't really know what to do. I wish I could talk to literally anyone in my life about how I'm really doing mentally but I can't do that without risking further harm. They'd probably make me speak with the mental health services who literally could have been the reason I didn't survive. and if I did that, it'd just make it more likely that the physical stuff would get dismissed as a mental health issue. So I'd just be putting myself in a worse position if I let anyone know.
I had spent about 4-5 years trying to take my life at least once a month. I feel like such a failure for surviving all of them. But a few years ago I got diagnosed as neurodivergent and it changed everything. I got myself into a much better space. Suicide wasn't an option anymore. I still had the thoughts from time to time but I was on top of it and I was doing well. Unfortunately the mental health services caused a lot of harm. They did not agree with the neurodivergent diagnoses even though it literally stopped my attempts immediately. Due to my diagnoses as well, I've been held against my will for behaviours that are literally just my neurodivergence. They don't understand and they only make things worse. Because of this, I can't ask for help. I can't tell anyone in real life how bad things are currently because they'd have to report it.
All of this stuff makes me feel like a failure for wanting to end it all now after everything I've done. Honestly it's hard to explain it all because I'm scared of being recognised here. But basically I have been dealing with severe physical pain my whole life. I think it is probably hypermobile ehlers danlos and craniocervical instability. However, over the last 4 months I have been dealing with a lot of pain and a lot of other symptoms like throwing up, fainting, rashes, loss of feeling in my limbs, inability to hold my head up, nausea...to name a few. Long story short is that I've gone from being extremely active and extroverted, to esssentially stuck lying down and unable to go out. It took 4 months but I finally managed to get the pain side of things under control with meds, however, anything I do while the pain relief is working, impacts my condition when the pain relief wears off. So for example, the more I move around when the pain is okay, the more severe the pain will be when it wears off. On top of this the other symptoms persist even when the pain is under control. But doctors aren't looking into it. They say they cant answer whether or not I have EDS and they won't even look into the symptoms themselves. Blood tests have come back normal.
Anyway, cutting to the chase, there's no end in sight. I'm isolated and unable to function physically a lot of the time. I can't enjoy anything at the moment. I can't go on like this. Partly this current situation but also bigger in the sense that I manage to pull myself through things people thought I might not survive, then life throws another thing my way. Like there's always something. I'm always having to fight to survive for one reason or another and I just can't do it anymore. At the same time, I clearly suck at dying so I don't really know what to do. I wish I could talk to literally anyone in my life about how I'm really doing mentally but I can't do that without risking further harm. They'd probably make me speak with the mental health services who literally could have been the reason I didn't survive. and if I did that, it'd just make it more likely that the physical stuff would get dismissed as a mental health issue. So I'd just be putting myself in a worse position if I let anyone know.
