motyxia
less than him
- Oct 14, 2021
- 166
Wanted to vent but longer than fine for a thread like "Say anything." Idk if this is the right place to put it, it's not happy but it's not talking about suicide so I'll put it here. If It shouldn't be let me know, I'll delete it. Warning for uncertain reality, if it messes with your head please close this tab.
I want to go into detail for a better vent but I can't. Hopefully soon I'll be able to. Idk if I was seeing mental health professionals before this, but I remember when I was 5 I was. I wasn't happy at home, didn't feel safe. I freaked out at others because I was scared & thought it'd keep me safe. They called me aggressive & forced me to take risperidone. They made me feel like something was wrong with me. My mother force medicating me was a punishment for everything I did or didn't do/say/"think", the worst was when she forcemedicated me or threatened to in front of others. She told me it was something to be ashamed of that I "had" to take medications, others knowing is the worst thing for me, so she did that. She was trying to humiliate me & it worked. She also made me take other stuff, not physically dangerous but psuedoscience, it was also really bitter like the risperidone, I hated it too. She still does this, it's less bad because I learnt to stop fighting back so it's mainly mental forcing. I haven't seen her in maybe 1year+ now, so I have a break. I'm not allowed to have emotions or a personality, but I'm also not allowed to not have them, I don't get it, everything can get her to start "Take your meds. I know you haven't taken your meds. I can tell. Go take them right now. I know you're not taking them because you're trying to hurt me, you're selfish just like your father. Why is everyone out to hurt me? Even you." On & on. Even if I did take them, she doesn't stop. It's like every thing about me is a disease that needs to be medicated. I can't win, & It's hard to feel like a person when this makes me feel like I'm a disease.
They put me into "therapy" that felt like torture, it didn't help it made things worse. I remember them putting me in this room with my family, with a stranger or 2, scared of them all, then I start crying & trying to leave, they don't let me leave & say that's why I need therapy. Nothing wrong with my family, it was all me. There was more "therapy" & things they told my mother to do that messed me up. I was in the regular hospital a lot too around this age for a common sign of CSA, I showed lots of signs in other ways too to everyone, no one put things together? Or they did but didn't care. just get back into that room, you're aggressive, you need therapy. Don't care at all what's going on at home. Take your meds ungrateful brat.
I have a lot of bad memories from home. Sometimes random things suddenly remind me a lot it can feel like I'm there. Any woman touches me without asking & I get upset & might yell or push them away especially if it's my lower back or stomach or butt. Some common innocent words make me want to throw up especially if a woman says it. The memories also tell me how to think about myself. They really effect me. I have nightmares relating to them. I piss the bed still sometimes as an adult man. I'm scared of sleeping. I feel scared people will hurt me in my sleep, sleeping makes you vulnerable.
They said the memories are in my head. It used to be "You're lying, you're an ungrateful selfish brat that's just trying to hurt me." & sometimes told I did/said things I didn't. In the psych ward they said I was psychotic, & put me on aripirazole. They didn't bother explaining what it meant, I had to learn what the fuck my problem was from the internet, so still not even that sure. After that is when it became insanity instead of lying. Lots of really bad times where I've been told I'm insane. All of those times hurt.
Last year I had a little 2-day "relapse" with benzos where I took all I had in 2 days. It was a bad time, after the suicide hotline texting pissed me off I tried to call my aunt & uncle. I didn't see them often but wished they were my parents, I was hoping they'd understand. So I told them about stuff my mother did. "Your mother would never do that." That hurt the most out of all the "you're insane"s I've got. The only people who mightve helped me don't believe me either.
Maybe it's true because if all of this was real the doctors or other family members would've noticed & helped me. CPS was called but they didn't help either. I don't think that, the memories are real, they messed me up. I don't understand why no one believes me.
I don't know how to feel. Title, I feel insane, I'm not insane. I know that there were times in the past I was delusional, I've hallucinated. Idk if it's to the extent to be a permanent illness or if they're wrong & it won't happen again. But these memories aren't fake, they're real. They make me doubt that. That's really scary bcause if you can't trust others you can only trust yourself, but then I'm told I can't trust myself, I don't have anyone to trust then. It's also scary that anyone can do anything they want to me & get away with it because I'm crazy. This makes me both the most suspicious person in the world & the most gullible. I don't trust anyone but I don't trust myself either, all in my head, so this is normal just get over it.
I want someone to believe me. I'm not a disease. Maybe I'm crazy but I'm a person with emotions too & being told every thing isn't real hurts. Can you tell me I'm a person? I want to be a person too, so someone please tell me I am.
Thank you to anyone who reads this. I hope you're having a good day/night.
I want to go into detail for a better vent but I can't. Hopefully soon I'll be able to. Idk if I was seeing mental health professionals before this, but I remember when I was 5 I was. I wasn't happy at home, didn't feel safe. I freaked out at others because I was scared & thought it'd keep me safe. They called me aggressive & forced me to take risperidone. They made me feel like something was wrong with me. My mother force medicating me was a punishment for everything I did or didn't do/say/"think", the worst was when she forcemedicated me or threatened to in front of others. She told me it was something to be ashamed of that I "had" to take medications, others knowing is the worst thing for me, so she did that. She was trying to humiliate me & it worked. She also made me take other stuff, not physically dangerous but psuedoscience, it was also really bitter like the risperidone, I hated it too. She still does this, it's less bad because I learnt to stop fighting back so it's mainly mental forcing. I haven't seen her in maybe 1year+ now, so I have a break. I'm not allowed to have emotions or a personality, but I'm also not allowed to not have them, I don't get it, everything can get her to start "Take your meds. I know you haven't taken your meds. I can tell. Go take them right now. I know you're not taking them because you're trying to hurt me, you're selfish just like your father. Why is everyone out to hurt me? Even you." On & on. Even if I did take them, she doesn't stop. It's like every thing about me is a disease that needs to be medicated. I can't win, & It's hard to feel like a person when this makes me feel like I'm a disease.
They put me into "therapy" that felt like torture, it didn't help it made things worse. I remember them putting me in this room with my family, with a stranger or 2, scared of them all, then I start crying & trying to leave, they don't let me leave & say that's why I need therapy. Nothing wrong with my family, it was all me. There was more "therapy" & things they told my mother to do that messed me up. I was in the regular hospital a lot too around this age for a common sign of CSA, I showed lots of signs in other ways too to everyone, no one put things together? Or they did but didn't care. just get back into that room, you're aggressive, you need therapy. Don't care at all what's going on at home. Take your meds ungrateful brat.
I have a lot of bad memories from home. Sometimes random things suddenly remind me a lot it can feel like I'm there. Any woman touches me without asking & I get upset & might yell or push them away especially if it's my lower back or stomach or butt. Some common innocent words make me want to throw up especially if a woman says it. The memories also tell me how to think about myself. They really effect me. I have nightmares relating to them. I piss the bed still sometimes as an adult man. I'm scared of sleeping. I feel scared people will hurt me in my sleep, sleeping makes you vulnerable.
They said the memories are in my head. It used to be "You're lying, you're an ungrateful selfish brat that's just trying to hurt me." & sometimes told I did/said things I didn't. In the psych ward they said I was psychotic, & put me on aripirazole. They didn't bother explaining what it meant, I had to learn what the fuck my problem was from the internet, so still not even that sure. After that is when it became insanity instead of lying. Lots of really bad times where I've been told I'm insane. All of those times hurt.
Last year I had a little 2-day "relapse" with benzos where I took all I had in 2 days. It was a bad time, after the suicide hotline texting pissed me off I tried to call my aunt & uncle. I didn't see them often but wished they were my parents, I was hoping they'd understand. So I told them about stuff my mother did. "Your mother would never do that." That hurt the most out of all the "you're insane"s I've got. The only people who mightve helped me don't believe me either.
Maybe it's true because if all of this was real the doctors or other family members would've noticed & helped me. CPS was called but they didn't help either. I don't think that, the memories are real, they messed me up. I don't understand why no one believes me.
I don't know how to feel. Title, I feel insane, I'm not insane. I know that there were times in the past I was delusional, I've hallucinated. Idk if it's to the extent to be a permanent illness or if they're wrong & it won't happen again. But these memories aren't fake, they're real. They make me doubt that. That's really scary bcause if you can't trust others you can only trust yourself, but then I'm told I can't trust myself, I don't have anyone to trust then. It's also scary that anyone can do anything they want to me & get away with it because I'm crazy. This makes me both the most suspicious person in the world & the most gullible. I don't trust anyone but I don't trust myself either, all in my head, so this is normal just get over it.
I want someone to believe me. I'm not a disease. Maybe I'm crazy but I'm a person with emotions too & being told every thing isn't real hurts. Can you tell me I'm a person? I want to be a person too, so someone please tell me I am.
Thank you to anyone who reads this. I hope you're having a good day/night.
unique
