notori
Member
- Nov 26, 2023
- 39
I've been trying to recover a bit but god I can't help that these thoughts of the world being better off without me always find their way to creep back into my mind. Im just glad I can come to here to vent about it instead of people telling me I shouldn't CTB. I'm trying to get into the animation program at my university since it's something I've always dreamed about, but it's genuinely a competition to get into. Only so many slots open per spring semester and you have to get an art portfolio approved after the first two years to be allowed to continue through it, and my university is one of the largest in my country so it takes a lot to be good enough. I've been working on that in my drawing classes and stuff. But I feel like my projects look like absolute hot garbage compared to my peers. I don't think I'm exaggerating… I feel like my art compares to that of an elementary schooler while everyone else around me is already seems to be doing it professionally. Professors are harsh. Every ounce of confidence I used to have in my creative abilities feels like it's been washed away. Art is pretty much my only outlet and if I'm just not good enough I don't have anything. I don't have friends. I don't have anyone to go to. Everything I touch just seems to fall apart. If I don't pass portfolio that's genuinely my last straw. I'll fucking shoot myself if that's what it takes. I'm done trying to figure out I can avoid leaving a mess behind. Yeah I don't want to traumatize my roommates, but I don't want to exist anymore. It's too much. I feel incompetent, i feel like I don't even compare to a normal human being because of how incompetent I am. I don't know if that makes sense. I don't feel whole. There's just a big gap in my heart instead of what should be there. That's what it feels like at least. It's so hard to explain the feeling. What I do now it's going to dictate if I even have a future. I can't see myself having a future at all if I can't make it through this.
