dreaming_of_pearl
I miss you I love you I’m sorry
- Jun 10, 2023
- 54
I wish I could just kill myself overnight and she wouldn't feel pain or forget me. It's hard to bring up how I feel because a lot of it is just me wishing I could just kill myself i daydream about it.
But it's just so upsetting. I've always had a hyperfixiation on drugs,sex,alcohol,bdsm all that shits. But I can't really communicate that to anyone so I really just had drugs, spesifically weed. When I got Gastreoparasis I suddenly couldn't smoke weed anymore. It hurt. It was something keeping me sane and it was gone. It made me wanna kill myself. It still does. I hate being sober even before drugs I would stay up till the point of delirium for funsies to feel loopy, I loved being put under for medical procedures.
My body gets nauseous at everything now and it hurts it hurts like hell. I feel like I'm in a mental agonizing hell scape every day. Hearing anyone talk about how they did,do, or plan to do any time of drug is just throwing cold water on me about something I might not be able to have ever again. It hurts. I hate it.
With bpd I live almost everyday with the same Greif and sadness multiple times through the day as if someone close to me died. The weed helped so much it was fun too the first fun I had in forever. And now it's gone
My gf was talking about how she did xans with an ex freind a few years ago and it broke me I feel so heartbroken so hurt just remembering I can't do that. I don't understand how she can talk about whatever she wants but whenever I get to open up about the stuff that really bothers me it's silly and I'm doing something wrong and if I tell her and she stops talking about it then I get even more upset because I'm too sensitive and I just ruin everything
She stopped going to parties, doing other drugs (on the rare occasion she does do them in social settings) and having sex with anyone else (we r poly) to make me feel better with how sick I am but I just feel so guilty like IM causing her to stop doing all the things she enjoyed doing. I see it as she doesn't want to do those things with me and I'm just making her life so boring now.
This is why I believe if given I should kill myself i want somone to convince me I don't want to live anymore I hate myself. I fucking hate myself I make her so miserable same with the rest of my freinds. If I killed my self they would all be happier they don't want to admit it but they would be happier.
But it's just so upsetting. I've always had a hyperfixiation on drugs,sex,alcohol,bdsm all that shits. But I can't really communicate that to anyone so I really just had drugs, spesifically weed. When I got Gastreoparasis I suddenly couldn't smoke weed anymore. It hurt. It was something keeping me sane and it was gone. It made me wanna kill myself. It still does. I hate being sober even before drugs I would stay up till the point of delirium for funsies to feel loopy, I loved being put under for medical procedures.
My body gets nauseous at everything now and it hurts it hurts like hell. I feel like I'm in a mental agonizing hell scape every day. Hearing anyone talk about how they did,do, or plan to do any time of drug is just throwing cold water on me about something I might not be able to have ever again. It hurts. I hate it.
With bpd I live almost everyday with the same Greif and sadness multiple times through the day as if someone close to me died. The weed helped so much it was fun too the first fun I had in forever. And now it's gone
My gf was talking about how she did xans with an ex freind a few years ago and it broke me I feel so heartbroken so hurt just remembering I can't do that. I don't understand how she can talk about whatever she wants but whenever I get to open up about the stuff that really bothers me it's silly and I'm doing something wrong and if I tell her and she stops talking about it then I get even more upset because I'm too sensitive and I just ruin everything
She stopped going to parties, doing other drugs (on the rare occasion she does do them in social settings) and having sex with anyone else (we r poly) to make me feel better with how sick I am but I just feel so guilty like IM causing her to stop doing all the things she enjoyed doing. I see it as she doesn't want to do those things with me and I'm just making her life so boring now.
This is why I believe if given I should kill myself i want somone to convince me I don't want to live anymore I hate myself. I fucking hate myself I make her so miserable same with the rest of my freinds. If I killed my self they would all be happier they don't want to admit it but they would be happier.
