I have spent a couple months in a psych ward a few years ago, done alot of therapy, tried to turn my life for the better... But i`m tired. I feel its not worth the struggle. Being able to breath is not worth everything that comes with it. I have been medicated since my teens. I am 27. My life was always a bit weird but at least I enjoyed it to my best capacity. I had long lasting friendships that while at the moment they dont feel like they mattered at all, I wasn`t lonely with them. Even if it was an illusion, it was real at the time. I haven't consciously decided to die yet, until a few months ago. I was somehow resisting, trying to have hope. But the moment I abandoned any kind of hope all my friendships started to feel dull. I dont have anything to say to anyone, and friendly conversations tend to annoy me. About a year ago my friends could feel I was getting worse and worse and I for one moment I was more honest than I ever been with her, more honest then I ever been with myself. Actually, I have two of those memories, one a few years earlier, when I was doing quite well, I told another friend. "I am not scared of any suicidal impulse or urge, what I am scared is a suicidal decision, I believe I'm strong enough to resist any impulse, but the moment I decide this is not worth it there is probably nothing I can do"
I keep getting reminded of telling my friend that, because that decision finally came... Sometimes I think of trying to make a conversation with him, something of the likes "Remember that time I told you that?" but what good could it bring? He would be worried, I would then pretend it isnt that bad, make a half joke, and nothing would change... Why make him go trough this?
Another recurring memory is a conversation I had with another friend, this was more recently, about a year ago, I was already in shambles, self isolating from everyone (before covid, it feels to me covid was just an excuse to continue my ongoing isolation process... ) : While confronted as to why I was being more and more distant I was brutally honest for a moment : I just want to slowly disappear until I am finally able to die, it's the only way for a selfish man by nature as myself to try to ease the burden on others, in the least dramatic way possible. I still remember what her answer was before I shrug of as a joke "That is the most dramatic way to go, you know..." Of course I just told it was a joke, dont take me serious...
I have been depressed before, but not to this extent of completely losing myself. O dont even remember who I was, it feels like some half arsed facade all along. I have a 11 year old dog that I cared for for so long, my friends, my cat. They just dont matter anymore. I feel like a psychopath unable to feel empathy. I dont care about anything. Im just not alive, you know? The only thing that matter is escaping for every single source of stress and indulging in any adiction I feel it has the power to occupy my brain for the next 24 hours. The only bond I can still remember somewhat that they mattered to me, and I still have the energy to keep up the facade are with my younger siblings. Both younger than 10 year old. I feel I'm only alive because of them. but for too long. I should have used that power to find something else to keep me in this world, but I couldnt. And I cant go on living miserably until I feel they are grown enought to understand, or at least digest it. or i'm distant enought that they dont care... I just cant. Everytime I'm with them I feel the biggest living shit ever, while keeping the facade of a kind older brother. I keep questioning, what am I even doing? This will mark their memories of one of the last times they had seen their brother, I am intentionally bringing them suffering, knowing that I wont be around soon. But I cant. If anything ever mattered, all the facades I kept during my time in this world, this one I will keep until the end. I worry about them. Even tought im certain its too late for me... I wish there was an alternative where I could find my peace while not ruining theirs. But I feel its just wishfull thinking at this point.
I'd like to say I don't know how I got to this point, but that would be a lie. I think I know better than most. It just feels so pathetic, everything I ever was or tried to be. The way I was obcessed with a single girl for my entire life, and the way I allowed this obcession to control every facet of my life, until it was really gone... But I don't want to talk about this now, it really doesnt matter, all the suffering I had thinking how everything would be fine if I was loved by this one person. How stupidly naive. How human.,, Feeling im already dead made me a bit of a misanthrope, humanity, being human feels like a defect, and even thought all the suffering that came with it, I know that there is a place inside me that is relieved that I am not bound by this so called human condition no more, and I will finally be set free from this weird shaped cage with hair and limbs.
I keep getting reminded of telling my friend that, because that decision finally came... Sometimes I think of trying to make a conversation with him, something of the likes "Remember that time I told you that?" but what good could it bring? He would be worried, I would then pretend it isnt that bad, make a half joke, and nothing would change... Why make him go trough this?
Another recurring memory is a conversation I had with another friend, this was more recently, about a year ago, I was already in shambles, self isolating from everyone (before covid, it feels to me covid was just an excuse to continue my ongoing isolation process... ) : While confronted as to why I was being more and more distant I was brutally honest for a moment : I just want to slowly disappear until I am finally able to die, it's the only way for a selfish man by nature as myself to try to ease the burden on others, in the least dramatic way possible. I still remember what her answer was before I shrug of as a joke "That is the most dramatic way to go, you know..." Of course I just told it was a joke, dont take me serious...
I have been depressed before, but not to this extent of completely losing myself. O dont even remember who I was, it feels like some half arsed facade all along. I have a 11 year old dog that I cared for for so long, my friends, my cat. They just dont matter anymore. I feel like a psychopath unable to feel empathy. I dont care about anything. Im just not alive, you know? The only thing that matter is escaping for every single source of stress and indulging in any adiction I feel it has the power to occupy my brain for the next 24 hours. The only bond I can still remember somewhat that they mattered to me, and I still have the energy to keep up the facade are with my younger siblings. Both younger than 10 year old. I feel I'm only alive because of them. but for too long. I should have used that power to find something else to keep me in this world, but I couldnt. And I cant go on living miserably until I feel they are grown enought to understand, or at least digest it. or i'm distant enought that they dont care... I just cant. Everytime I'm with them I feel the biggest living shit ever, while keeping the facade of a kind older brother. I keep questioning, what am I even doing? This will mark their memories of one of the last times they had seen their brother, I am intentionally bringing them suffering, knowing that I wont be around soon. But I cant. If anything ever mattered, all the facades I kept during my time in this world, this one I will keep until the end. I worry about them. Even tought im certain its too late for me... I wish there was an alternative where I could find my peace while not ruining theirs. But I feel its just wishfull thinking at this point.
I'd like to say I don't know how I got to this point, but that would be a lie. I think I know better than most. It just feels so pathetic, everything I ever was or tried to be. The way I was obcessed with a single girl for my entire life, and the way I allowed this obcession to control every facet of my life, until it was really gone... But I don't want to talk about this now, it really doesnt matter, all the suffering I had thinking how everything would be fine if I was loved by this one person. How stupidly naive. How human.,, Feeling im already dead made me a bit of a misanthrope, humanity, being human feels like a defect, and even thought all the suffering that came with it, I know that there is a place inside me that is relieved that I am not bound by this so called human condition no more, and I will finally be set free from this weird shaped cage with hair and limbs.
