I feel guilty for not talking down a member here who very likely ctb

[heyismeman]

Without going into details on the member or anything, but someone had reached out to me about life problem we both share. We texted back and forth for hours. I never told him to ctb or anything at all like that, I specifically told him I cannot have an input in something like that, but the entire conversation we were feeding on each other's negative life outlook energy. The next day he shot me a text saying he was gonna do it, I never responded as I wasn't around and then after weeks and weeks of not being active (he was extremely active) I can with a pretty high margin say he did it. I know this site is supposed to be pro choice but fuck.... I very likely could've told him not to and think more on it etc. This has made be feel alot of guilt..

 

[Namelesa]

You don't have to feel guilt at all as I would say death isn't a bad thing as we can no longer suffer or be disadvantaged in non existence. You didn't encourage them at all and they wanted to do anyways and it's their responsibility, not yours. What you did by talking to them was mostly likely comforting them as they felt seen and understood in that you shared a life problem you both had and were able to freely express thoughts and views without judgement.

 

[Silently Dying]

This person had free will. This was his/her choice. The pain was too much. You could have talked til you were blue in the face and if he was hell bent on leaving he was going to leave. Be kind to yourself.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

A friend I made on Reddit and another one I met here share a very similar negative outlook to mine for a similar reason: we're thinking of ctb because we're heartbroken and miss our ex. I wouldn't want them to feel any guilt if I decide to kill myself, quite the opposite, they were alongside me in my in the hardest of times and we've opened up our hearts to each other. I respect them, I appreciate them, they're fellow sailors in the same sinking ship, and they may very well be the last bastion of hope and empathy I have as I consider ending my life.

Feel your sadness, feel their parting, but don't feel guilt: you listened to them, you made them feel heard, that they were not alone. That's more than most people in their life did.

 

[s00ngone]

To add onto what others have said here, the nature of this site is inevitably going to be haunting. We're dealing in all manner of death and pain. Same as I don't believe even the the most rational among us can ever be fully sound of mind (which is not a judgment on anyone's decision or right to decide), nothing can protect us from the reality of what this site is for. Until one ctbs, you'll always be the one who watched the other person go.

In exchange for being one of the only places that holds the space for a topic like this, it's also one of the few places where such acute pain can be memorialized. That's haunting. But it's not your fault.

 

[Jadeith]

This subject comes up almost every time someone asks about goodbye letters. No matter what one puts in them, those still alive will suffer. The difference is that you have the misfortune to be on the "receiving end". No matter what has been said between you two, no matter that he was just an internet buddy - a loss is a loss and loss caused by suicide sting extra. It's only natural you feel sadness and guilt and no matter how many of us here will reason that you did everything you could, provided emotional support and filled his loneliness during his last days - you will still feel it. Yes, it is irrational but emotions do not operate on logic.

So, take your time, grieve as much as you need and remember your friend fondly. Bear hug from me if it makes you feel any better.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Honestly, I doubt many people come here wanting to be 'talked out of it'. Or, if they do- they may specifically ask for input like that or, be in the recovery section I assume. I imagine a lot of people come here to get away from that type of talk to be honest.

Do you think your conversation would have lasted as long if you had tried to talk them out of it? Obviously, I can't talk for them. You would be a better judge of where they were at. I can only personally say that- if someone tried that on me- I'd most likely politely try to tell them it isn't something that I'm considering now. (Recovery.)

People looking for validation for their decision is complicated. For what it's worth- I would have responded the same way. It's not up to me to validate their decision. Anymore than I need permission from them or anyone else that my life is so bad that it justifies me leaving it.

It's not actually a hugely fair question to ask: 'Do you think I should kill myself?' Effectively. In terms of: 'Do you understand how I feel and, do I have a right to feel like this and eventually act on it?' I imagine the honest answer for most people here is: 'Yes'.

 

[Jadeith]

It's not actually a hugely fair question to ask: 'Do you think I should kill myself?' Effectively. In terms of: 'Do you understand how I feel and, do I have a right to feel like this and eventually act on it?' I imagine the honest answer for most people here is: 'Yes'.

Personally, i think there's enormous difference between those questions and for the first one i'd almost instantly answer "No", provided no additional information is available. Why? Because in my understanding it implies that something is so terribly wrong with the person asking, that they deserve to die by their own hand and just seek confirmation. Without wider context it's impossible to tell and since death is one way trip, i'd be very hesitant to confirm.
But - if you unfurl it into second, actually three-part question then answer would be "yes (probably, depending on situation) , "yes" and "be careful"

As for people "not coming here wanting to be 'talked out of it' " - sometimes true, sometimes not so much, at least not directly. While i agree that most of us don't want to be greeted here by a barrage of "don't do it", offering different perspective might provide reason to reconsider. Especially given that, as Lindsey Jade's song goes, "Escape knows how to hide". Darkened mind paints hopeless visions where death is the only option. So while direct attempts to "talk one out of it" are generally considered as unwanted and ineffective, providing different point of view might, if not change ones mind, then at least provide some comfort and ease of mind.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Personally, i think there's enormous difference between those questions and for the first one i'd almost instantly answer "No", provided no additional information is available. Why? Because in my understanding it implies that something is so terribly wrong with the person asking, that they deserve to die by their own hand and just seek confirmation. Without wider context it's impossible to tell and since death is one way trip, i'd be very hesitant to confirm.
But - if you unfurl it into second, actually three-part question then answer would be "yes (probably, depending on situation) , "yes" and "be careful"

As for people "not coming here wanting to be 'talked out of it' " - sometimes true, sometimes not so much, at least not directly. While i agree that most of us don't want to be greeted here by a barrage of "don't do it", offering different perspective might provide reason to reconsider. Especially given that, as Lindsey Jade's song goes, "Escape knows how to hide". Darkened mind paints hopeless visions where death is the only option. So while direct attempts to "talk one out of it" are generally considered as unwanted and ineffective, providing different point of view might, if not change ones mind, then at least provide some comfort and ease of mind.

All fair points. I think we can often guage what someone wants by their wording. You're right- some people may indeed want different perspectives. Usually I take that meaning when they describe a problem they have and say they don't know what to do. I'd say that the majority of people here then do indeed provide 'life' orientated solutions.

If it's venting though- which is frequently is, I'm not so sure we are looking to be challenged on our perspectives but sure- no harm in trying I suppose- let the OP politely tell them to piss off if they aren't interested! That happens a fair amount too.

Yes, I also agree that the whole: 'Do you think I should kill myself' deserves a straight: 'No'. If they are so reliant on the opinions of others, they clearly aren't sure of the decision themselves.

 

[PurpleMorality]

If he did do it, he's at peace now. That's something, isn't it?

 

[rozeske]

Some of us are too hurt and damaged to be talked out of doing it. I'm sure they appreciated your interaction however brief.

 

[gothbird]

Look, I get it. But you're not responsible for his decision. You didn't push him. You didn't encourage him. You were just another person in pain, having a real conversation with someone else who was in pain. That's not manipulation.

Yeah, maybe you could've told him to think more on it. Maybe it would've delayed things. Maybe not. But people don't CTB because of one conversation—they do it because of years of shit that no one fixed. You didn't cause that. And you didn't ignore him. You were honest about your limits. That matters.

If anything, you gave him something that a lot of people never get: someone who understood, even for a few hours. That's not failure. That's grace in the middle of collapse.

The guilt? It's natural. But don't twist it into blame. He made his choice. You survived the conversation. That's enough.