I feel guilt for down playing my trauma

[Water-Lily]

I am not sure if this is the right place for it, but it's an issue I have been dealing with in therapy. Where, I feel the way I talk about my trauma isn't in depth enough. That I should be using certain words, phrases, and descriptions when desiring the tings that happened to me and the impact it currently has on my life

It's to a point where, when I see people actively describing their trauma in a particular way I struggle to do myself, I find myself jealous. Not of their suffering, but about how forth coming they can be about the abuse they suffered. Where I will use different phrases and I guess "beat around the bush" more than I should

It's an aspect of myself I hate. It's like I'm being easy on myself to cope because I'm too afraid of what the reality of my trauma would mean for me going forward. And because I can only halve so much I sugar coat, and thats wrong

 

[FlameWhisperer]

Nothing that someone can tell you will probably make that guilt go away but...

There are things people go through that they cannot find the correct words to describe, because it feels like they are no amount of words to describe - and that can be frustrating - but it isn't that uncommon. It's essentially the same as to say someone can never go inside our heads, and they can't, even if we lost all day to explain to them how we think, chances are, we wouldn't even be able to explain half of what we feel like inside...

Although, I think you are coming from a different approach: the inability of putting in words, directly, what is your issues, your traumas, etc. That is natural, in my opinion. It is a trauma, and traumas scar us deeply a lot of times, a lot of people struggle to talk about how they feel after something happened - even to just tell someone else what happened they struggle. Some people live years inside their heads, reviewing memories of this or that awful thing that happened to them, and when they want to talk about it... Puff. No words come out. You try again and... Nothing. It feels like it is stuck in your throat, or you feel the need to talk about everything surrounding the subject without ever touching the subject.

I don't think that there is a reason for you to feel guilty about it, but then again, it is a feeling, it is what it is, you will feel it. But, I am sure the same people you feel jealous about probably struggled too to talk about their issues and traumas at some point (at least most, probably). I think things take their time, and your issues and traumas should take your time, and not anyone else's time. A step at a time. There is no right way to deal with an issue or cope with it really. At least that is how I see.

Wishing you well

 

[Water-Lily]

Nothing that someone can tell you will probably make that guilt go away but...

There are things people go through that they cannot find the correct words to describe, because it feels like they are no amount of words to describe - and that can be frustrating - but it isn't that uncommon. It's essentially the same as to say someone can never go inside our heads, and they can't, even if we lost all day to explain to them how we think, chances are, we wouldn't even be able to explain half of what we feel like inside...

Although, I think you are coming from a different approach: the inability of putting in words, directly, what is your issues, your traumas, etc. That is natural, in my opinion. It is a trauma, and traumas scar us deeply a lot of times, a lot of people struggle to talk about how they feel after something happened - even to just tell someone else what happened they struggle. Some people live years inside their heads, reviewing memories of this or that awful thing that happened to them, and when they want to talk about it... Puff. No words come out. You try again and... Nothing. It feels like it is stuck in your throat, or you feel the need to talk about everything surrounding the subject without ever touching the subject.

I don't think that there is a reason for you to feel guilty about it, but then again, it is a feeling, it is what it is, you will feel it. But, I am sure the same people you feel jealous about probably struggled too to talk about their issues and traumas at some point (at least most, probably). I think things take their time, and your issues and traumas should take your time, and not anyone else's time. A step at a time. There is no right way to deal with an issue or cope with it really. At least that is how I see.

Wishing you well

I know it takes time. It just feels like a hurdle I need to get over as I see other people do it themselves. I want to get to their level even to the point of me obsessing over it
How it might lead to me going no contact, being independent, and etc.
So many places I want to get to rn. Waiting just feels like I am being lazy

 

[FlameWhisperer]

It just feels like a hurdle I need to get over as I see other people do it themselves. I want to get to their level even to the point of me obsessing over it

I understand that very well, it can be quite a burden, leading us to feel so impatient and self-conscious as if we are not doing enough to get where we want to be.

Honestly that led me into despair and frustration that just kept adding up more and more to no conclusion, in the end, I was feeling the same, no result. After the time that it took for me to be able to get there, I was there, and looking back, thinking "Oh wow, that was it?". There is, unfortunately, nothing I can say to you aside from what you already know. It ultimately ends up being a matter of managing that anxious and impatient side of yours - or almost obsessive as you stated - until you get there, more than anything.

I don't see it as being lazy, neither I can see a scenario where laziness would even be possible on this subject. Terrified to deal with the trauma, yes, but that shouldn't be negative, that is natural, it is very valid, but lazy? To be lazy would mean you have the means to do it and just choose to not do it because you feel like not doing it, or doing something else instead. I don't think that is the case, or else you would not be so worried about not being able to get there fast...

 

[Water-Lily]

I understand that very well, it can be quite a burden, leading us to feel so impatient and self-conscious as if we are not doing enough to get where we want to be.

Honestly that led me into despair and frustration that just kept adding up more and more to no conclusion, in the end, I was feeling the same, no result. After the time that it took for me to be able to get there, I was there, and looking back, thinking "Oh wow, that was it?". There is, unfortunately, nothing I can say to you aside from what you already know. It ultimately ends up being a matter of managing that anxious and impatient side of yours - or almost obsessive as you stated - until you get there, more than anything.

I don't see it as being lazy, neither I can see a scenario where laziness would even be possible on this subject. Terrified to deal with the trauma, yes, but that shouldn't be negative, that is natural, it is very valid, but lazy? To be lazy would mean you have the means to do it and just choose to not do it because you feel like not doing it, or doing something else instead. I don't think that is the case, or else you would not be so worried about not being able to get there fast...

I guess that is true
I mean I can talk about the event and I remember it and can point out how wrong everything was. But I have alll these obsessive thoughts in my head surrounding it too

I am just not ready for my life to change in a way I cannot handle and would push me over the edge I guess