Venting I feel envious of a lot of the users here

[Xocoyotziin]

I see so many of you
And you're so smart
And knowledgeable
And empathetic
And you can cogently write multi-paragraph responses!

Qualities that I lack
But you're here for obvious reasons
And it makes me feel like I wish I could understand what you're going through the way you do because I would figuratively but not literally kill to be you
Even if it doesn't solve anything, it might give me a better understanding of why people end up here, even when they have worth.

I think I'm different from a lot of people here. I've lived the most sheltered life imaginable. I've had some weird trauma yeah but it's not about that for me. It's nothing like a lot of you have faced. But I have no value and I never practiced having value. So my time is literally up. It's not a question of my mental state or anything else. It's just up. I was supposed to go five years ago, but I was too cowardly to. And now I do not know what to do.

 

[x~Sophia~x]

Please don't try to compare your own suffering with other's suffering... it is NOT a competition.
I can only suggest that you seek some help for your struggles: suicide isn't the only answer. I don't know where you are in the world and what mental health support is available to you, but please reach out to someone who you trust and tell them how you are feeling.

 

[Xocoyotziin]

Please don't try to compare your own suffering with other's suffering... it is NOT a competition.
I can only suggest that you seek some help for your struggles: suicide isn't the only answer. I don't know where you are in the world and what mental health support is available to you, but please reach out to someone who you trust and tell them how you are feeling.

You're really sweet, and I feel your good intentions, but there hasn't been someone I trust ever. How the hell could you in a chaotic world like this, without incurring certain damages? I really think this is right for me. Not today or tonight, but I'm getting closer and I love it.

But really, the truth is, if you want to live on this planet, you have to treat everything like it's a competition. And if you don't want to, it's not the planet for you.

 

[x~Sophia~x]

You're really sweet, and I feel your good intentions, but there hasn't been someone I trust ever. How the hell could you in a chaotic world like this, without incurring certain damages? I really think this is right for me. Not today or tonight, but I'm getting closer and I love it.

But really, the truth is, if you want to live on this planet, you have to treat everything like it's a competition. And if you don't want to, it's not the planet for you.

You underestimate yourself! There's one very intelligent human lurking behind your defences.
I wish you peace.

 

[Xocoyotziin]

That's never going to happen but thank you

 

[Time to fly]

You have put together a great post so you have more understanding and intelligence than you credit yourself for...as @I'm fragile stated this is not a competition to who has had it worse, we all have suffered our own way some have tried help from professionals and been let down...all I can say is deep inside you, you will know what to do...whatever you decide you have a family here at SS and we are always open to listen...

 

[flyaway2]

I fee

I see so many of you
And you're so smart
And knowledgeable
And empathetic
And you can cogently write multi-paragraph responses!

Qualities that I lack
But you're here for obvious reasons
And it makes me feel like I wish I could understand what you're going through the way you do because I would figuratively but not literally kill to be you
Even if it doesn't solve anything, it might give me a better understanding of why people end up here, even when they have worth.

I think I'm different from a lot of people here. I've lived the most sheltered life imaginable. I've had some weird trauma yeah but it's not about that for me. It's nothing like a lot of you have faced. But I have no value and I never practiced having value. So my time is literally up. It's not a question of my mental state or anything else. It's just up. I was supposed to go five years ago, but I was too cowardly to. And now I do not know what to do.

I feel you. I decided I never want to get old.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I do judge people. Maybe I shouldn't, but I do.
Do I get a long with them? Do they make me laugh? Do they listen and show kindness?
Those are my personal criteria, nothing else really matters to me.

You have as much value and validity as anyone else and I don't think anyone should ever measure their suffering against that of anyone else. It's not an equal exchange rate. Whatever any of us have been through, whether we are ashamed because we think it trivial or we play down it's seriousness, it's all deeply personal and I wouldn't judge someone on that.

 

[PointlessStruggle]

I'm jealous of people who can get romantic relationships mainly. Not in a vengeful way though more of a "man I wish I had that" sort of way

 

[woxihuanni]

I envy everyone not as forsaken as me.

 

[Ghost2211]

I think we are all fucked up for our own special reasons, and I'm sure each one of us sees qualities or traits in others that we would prefer to have. The fact that you can see good in other people is in itself a good quality, and I honestly feel if you gave yourself more credit you'd be able to find several others.

I envy everyone not as forsaken as me.

At least I know you don't envy me. Since you'd just been getting the same deal lol

 

[woxihuanni]

I think we are all fucked up for our own special reasons, and I'm sure each one of us sees qualities or traits in others that we would prefer to have. The fact that you can see good in other people is in itself a good quality, and I honestly feel if you gave yourself more credit you'd be able to find several others.

At least I know you don't envy me. Since you'd just been getting the same deal lol

Hey, it is always possible that a meteor will take out that arsehole and you will meet someone wonderful :P

 

[Symbiote]

I wish I can write as good as @GoodPersonEffed. I actually enjoy reading their essay long posts.

 

[Boart]

Stop comparing and focus on you.

 

[Xocoyotziin]

I wish I can write as good as @GoodPersonEffed. I actually enjoy reading their essay long posts.

Haha she's one of the people I'm jealous of. Whip smart about bs and able to articulate it whereas for me it's something I sense but it's foggy and disorganized.

 

[in hell out soon]

I think most people are smarter than they give themselves credit for - and you're definitely one of them. And I'm not saying this as empty words or to sway your decision but you're the person who knows yourself the most here, and I'd like you to consider that intelligence comes in more forms than we can really categorise.

For example I can tell you all about over 700 Pokemon and stuff but I can't tie my own shoelaces (I technically know how but I'm unable to do it! Dyspraxia and processing. It completely eludes me.) I can't drive a car (dyspraxia again! Also dyspraxia and autism comorbity) but I can help you set up an emulator for a Pokemon game or find most of the things you're looking for on google or something. My long term memory is great! (But also a curse because the trauma stays too...)

Intelligence is far more than knowing what words to put or your exam results. My mom always says she's dumb and I have to vehemently disagree with her. Despite our complicated family relationship, she's actually really good socially even when she doesn't think it. She can take apart and put together a circuit board without looking at the instructions. (Or well she could, it's been a while), she was literally the supervisor over her own elder brother (she has three but only one worked with her) and mother at one point, she has so much song knowledge and how to sing etc. She can write song lyrics like nobody's business. She has all of these cooking recipes in her head that taste yummy and she's got this knack for knowing what people need before they even vocalise things. She can be a really kind and caring person when she wants to be.

she also hated school and pretty much dropped out after she hit her teenage years. Her favourite subject was maths and her worst subject was English I think (can't relate - I love English but struggle at maths).

Maybe I see this more because there's so much I don't know. I find it harder take knowledge for granted because I struggle to process it. Not a big brain moment or anything - I have learning difficulties. (I'm autistic amongst other things so these things take time. On the bright side I never needed to revise as much for exams because once they were in they stayed in. I still recommend revising anyway because it helps, But my autism helped me there as I had a lot of problems with executive dysfunction and trauma and stress at that time so the good long term memory really saved my ass.)

My point here is that you're okay. You're good. Now if you had really nasty opinions about minorities or thought the Earth is flat I might think otherwise, but I don't see any of that so I'm sure you've got some hidden talents we don't know about.

sorry for the word vomit lol but I hope you get what I mean. Don't compare yourself to others - you just do you. Vibe in the current day and just do your best to do you. I believe in you. And again, not an empty set of words - I really think you can do it.

 

[Mr2005]

I am too but for different reasons. I think some people don't know how lucky they are. I was one of them and now I'm facing the consequences. Some of them might be envious of me because I have a girlfriend but if that's what it takes for them to be happy they're in a better position than I am. If they're young they don't really have anything to measure their problems against. If they see people who have it worse it won't make a difference. If however you're older then you have your own and I'd swap the problems I have now for the problems I had then in a heartbeat or indeed most of theirs. There was actually something that could be done about it then and it wasn't so they can't have been that bad. Now they are. It's possible to leave it too late and once you do that you're in deep shit. Only then did I know what real suffering was

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Haha she's one of the people I'm jealous of. Whip smart about bs and able to articulate it whereas for me it's something I sense but it's foggy and disorganized.

Well, thank you. Honestly, I've always thought you were intelligent, and I wouldn't say so if it weren't true. I'd say something else, or just not say anything at all because, bs.

I hear you about sensing it but it feeling foggy and disorganized. I felt like that for decades! Finally did some studying, and I can actually see it when it's happening now, or very soon after when I'm away from the fog and disorganization. Sometimes I don't have the words but I at least know how to recognize my responses to it happening, and to give them credence, even when I can't quite pinpoint what's happening. Like, if I'm feeling confused or things are getting twisted up, I can just recognize, "Oh hey, the issue is not really the issue, otherwise things would be heading in a different direction." (Recently learned that from a book called BIFF, it's kind of a shortcut for me now.) But recognition and articulation don't stop "bs," unfortunately, I'm just not internally victimized by it anymore, and at best I can help others see it, too.

Repsonding to your OP (ooh look, another paragraph! ), it took me a long time to get the self-worth, the value, as well. But it doesn't change the overwhelming shit in my life. I manage it better, I can think through it more clearly, but that hasn't changed the external circumstances, and for all the internal power I've gained, I don't have enough to overcome them. If I weren't being impacted by them, I finally have the self-worth and the tools that I'd be setting the world on fire if I could. The world doesn't seem to want it, though. At least when I die I'll know that I overcame some serious shit, I fought an honorable battle, and I go out with self-respect. I wish something like that for you, too, that if you go, there's something you can honor about yourself, even one small thing. I'd bet money there's something.

Sending respect.

 

[CoalmineCanary]

You have self-awareness and empathy. Let it help guide you through this crazy world.