moodswinsS
Member
- Nov 7, 2023
- 7
I feel disposable In every area of my life.
if anything typed here is grammatically incorrect - disturbing and or or concerning I apologize in advance I haven't wrote in a while , and my current reality is also ., disturbing and concerning
firstly ,, I know we're all pretty lost, some more brainwashed than others and some more charming than others but deep down no matter some people hide it we all are.
denial keeps us going ,
hope and denial are interchangeable.
Even the happiest are the most delusional to what's going on.
and I fucking hate social media. I hate seeing everyone so happy like br0 just fuck u lol :-0
( sorry if u have it btw -
maybe I have a bias ....cuz am being constantly bullied and harassed
by my peers and cannot ask for help so I tend to avoid it but I would probably use it if I could just fit in on it. )
it just disgusts me how we are all measuring our happiness based on what society has said makes you happy. such as material items,MONEY, LOVE, sexual recognition, beauty, lots of friends, and a strong family unit.
my current reality reflects nothing of any of these societal values.
and even if I had everything
Money , success , societal acceptance ,
I'd probably just buy a g3n
and pull the trigger anyways. because im unlovable and all I wanna do is wrong things.
beyond your belief.
ctb would really be in my best interest. if only these assholes would make it legal, so everyone could stop mangling themselves,
imagine it was completely normalized? and there was a institution for us to get help to lay to rest finally..
they could probably profit off it to which would be music to the ears Lmao
!
If I don't hurt myself im afraid ill just keep hurting everyone else , and I can't find anything more to hold onto.
all my resources have been cut off.
the past is haunting me, I wish I could cure this desperation but how the fuck can I?
I wish I could freeze my body and wake up when times were different.
just don't feel at home in this world.
don't understand much of anything going on. and I don't want to get a serious illness from all the drugs I've been taking.
so I need to ctb soon.
old age also disgusts me and I don't want to bear it. like what is everyone thinking just waiting around to die?????!!no dignity, no self respect in that ..
imo. just can't convince me there's anything good about the natural process of living and dying.
if I go to hell so be it.
I've been sitting in my moms freezing cold garage, visiting for the week- I lend her money so she's happy
what I do for this money? she just looks over it and asks for grocery money, and baby gifts for my siblings.
it eats me up inside , I wish she'd just tell me money doesn't matter , and that I never should of been chasing it in the first place.
why why why why
in a few days I have to go back out of town to do SW on the streets of Quebec ,my only source of money. and now a bed I have made and lay in. I know it's disgusting. don't gotta tell me twice , it started out a blur the money was a bandaid for a while but now Im straining my body in ways beyond belief for what?
money? food? a roof over my head , which I don't have because im sleeping at my work ( in Ontario there is massage places disguised as those but they do deeds for $. ) and the bosses will usually let u stay LOL ) better to have girls doing day shifts. so she lets me sleep
its horrible but its also comfortable
and there;'s always a demand.
I have no appetite , I look at old pictures of the healthier me all the time and feel angry. what has all this trauma and pain done to me , what have I become?
if there is a god I was literally fucking begging on my hands and knees the other night in a field near my house , begging him to make it stop. or give me a sign.
nothing , so I must be damned.
sorry for being emo lol but the point is - all im doing is taking Xans, pills, weed , alcohol ,consistently to hopefully induce a nap, and when the tiredness comes, I**f I scored something strong enough to calm down the creepy insomnia ,confusion, pain and anger inside me , I sleep and imagine im laying down with beautiful flowers around me and then im going to become a higher consciousness.
the conversation of what happens after isn't important since I am certain I hate the known now ,more than the unknown.
and there's actually lots of research to provide death may offer a fresh start, somehow. to each thereon beliefs tho x
Last thing,
I was just thinking earlier today a lot about my funeral, would anyone at my funeral even know the real me ?
how many people would even show up? what would they say?
how much would they lie. I know my narcissistic mom would genuinely miss me underneath all her layers of fuckery but I am sick to my stomach knowing she will enjoy the attention. and feel relived with me gone. Love my siblings like u don';t know but they will be netter off without me ! and any money I can leave them will make them have a better life. or at least i can offer them something. which is a peaceful thought to me. I feel guilty about that I guess. leaving them but but I know they would be better off. poor kiddos have seen me break down too many times and more than half are to young to remember in ten years I'd bet.
the thought of my funeral is humiliatingly sad , to think about my mom and all her friends lmao all the attention seekers I somehow attract from having been a vile people pleaser,,,,,,,,, posting Facebook pics and feigning over me when I left so many signs, I don't resent them now. I'll just never forget how much pain I was in. I was born into a family of 7 which I am the only one without a father present. parents had me at 16 and broke up got with Dif partners had better families left me somewhere in the middle I guess , if that's not to dramatic. and don't think my father would show up to my funeral. I guess I wouldn't;t go to his either
I wish those mfs never kept my embryo ass.
sorry if this is long.
goodnight amigos igonna go walk to the gas station for cigs , sleep some more if it's possible , impressive I slept almost all day today , minimal dreams to it was very peaceful.
send me courage
and im sending what's left of my heart to u all tonight.
if anything typed here is grammatically incorrect - disturbing and or or concerning I apologize in advance I haven't wrote in a while , and my current reality is also ., disturbing and concerning
firstly ,, I know we're all pretty lost, some more brainwashed than others and some more charming than others but deep down no matter some people hide it we all are.
denial keeps us going ,
hope and denial are interchangeable.
Even the happiest are the most delusional to what's going on.
and I fucking hate social media. I hate seeing everyone so happy like br0 just fuck u lol :-0
( sorry if u have it btw -
maybe I have a bias ....cuz am being constantly bullied and harassedby my peers and cannot ask for help so I tend to avoid it but I would probably use it if I could just fit in on it. )
it just disgusts me how we are all measuring our happiness based on what society has said makes you happy. such as material items,MONEY, LOVE, sexual recognition, beauty, lots of friends, and a strong family unit.
my current reality reflects nothing of any of these societal values.
and even if I had everything
Money , success , societal acceptance ,
I'd probably just buy a g3n
and pull the trigger anyways. because im unlovable and all I wanna do is wrong things.
beyond your belief.
ctb would really be in my best interest. if only these assholes would make it legal, so everyone could stop mangling themselves,
imagine it was completely normalized? and there was a institution for us to get help to lay to rest finally..
they could probably profit off it to which would be music to the ears Lmao
!If I don't hurt myself im afraid ill just keep hurting everyone else , and I can't find anything more to hold onto.
all my resources have been cut off.
the past is haunting me, I wish I could cure this desperation but how the fuck can I?
I wish I could freeze my body and wake up when times were different.
just don't feel at home in this world.
don't understand much of anything going on. and I don't want to get a serious illness from all the drugs I've been taking.
so I need to ctb soon.
old age also disgusts me and I don't want to bear it. like what is everyone thinking just waiting around to die?????!!no dignity, no self respect in that ..
imo. just can't convince me there's anything good about the natural process of living and dying.
if I go to hell so be it.
I've been sitting in my moms freezing cold garage, visiting for the week- I lend her money so she's happy
what I do for this money? she just looks over it and asks for grocery money, and baby gifts for my siblings.
it eats me up inside , I wish she'd just tell me money doesn't matter , and that I never should of been chasing it in the first place.
why why why why
in a few days I have to go back out of town to do SW on the streets of Quebec ,my only source of money. and now a bed I have made and lay in. I know it's disgusting. don't gotta tell me twice , it started out a blur the money was a bandaid for a while but now Im straining my body in ways beyond belief for what?
money? food? a roof over my head , which I don't have because im sleeping at my work ( in Ontario there is massage places disguised as those but they do deeds for $. ) and the bosses will usually let u stay LOL ) better to have girls doing day shifts. so she lets me sleep
its horrible but its also comfortable
and there;'s always a demand.
I have no appetite , I look at old pictures of the healthier me all the time and feel angry. what has all this trauma and pain done to me , what have I become?
if there is a god I was literally fucking begging on my hands and knees the other night in a field near my house , begging him to make it stop. or give me a sign.
nothing , so I must be damned.
sorry for being emo lol but the point is - all im doing is taking Xans, pills, weed , alcohol ,consistently to hopefully induce a nap, and when the tiredness comes, I**f I scored something strong enough to calm down the creepy insomnia ,confusion, pain and anger inside me , I sleep and imagine im laying down with beautiful flowers around me and then im going to become a higher consciousness.
the conversation of what happens after isn't important since I am certain I hate the known now ,more than the unknown.
and there's actually lots of research to provide death may offer a fresh start, somehow. to each thereon beliefs tho x
Last thing,
I was just thinking earlier today a lot about my funeral, would anyone at my funeral even know the real me ?
how many people would even show up? what would they say?
how much would they lie. I know my narcissistic mom would genuinely miss me underneath all her layers of fuckery but I am sick to my stomach knowing she will enjoy the attention. and feel relived with me gone. Love my siblings like u don';t know but they will be netter off without me ! and any money I can leave them will make them have a better life. or at least i can offer them something. which is a peaceful thought to me. I feel guilty about that I guess. leaving them but but I know they would be better off. poor kiddos have seen me break down too many times and more than half are to young to remember in ten years I'd bet.
the thought of my funeral is humiliatingly sad , to think about my mom and all her friends lmao all the attention seekers I somehow attract from having been a vile people pleaser,,,,,,,,, posting Facebook pics and feigning over me when I left so many signs, I don't resent them now. I'll just never forget how much pain I was in. I was born into a family of 7 which I am the only one without a father present. parents had me at 16 and broke up got with Dif partners had better families left me somewhere in the middle I guess , if that's not to dramatic. and don't think my father would show up to my funeral. I guess I wouldn't;t go to his either
I wish those mfs never kept my embryo ass.
sorry if this is long.
goodnight amigos igonna go walk to the gas station for cigs , sleep some more if it's possible , impressive I slept almost all day today , minimal dreams to it was very peaceful.
send me courage
and im sending what's left of my heart to u all tonight.
