Venting I feel broken

[starrypandabear]

Something in my brain just isn't like everyone else. I can't hold onto anything or anyone. I laid in my exes bed when they told me I was hard to love, months later they ghost me and I never hear from them again, my friendships all end because I get selfish or I just completely stop speaking to them out of the blue because I get too sad or angry. I am so angry and hateful, I think part of it stems from how much I hate myself. I just feel so jealous seeing people get along with one another. My professor assigned group work today and everyone looked at me like I had the plague. The whole lecture hall had a group of 4-5 people except for me. It's hard to not get angry. It makes me doubt myself, is there something wrong with me? It goes so much deeper than this obviously. I just wish someone, anyone, would just look me in the eyes and speak to me like a human. It's the small reminders that literally no one cares whether I'm alive or dead. I don't even know if anyone would notice. I feel like I just crave any kind of acknowledgment, like I could go days without speaking, and I have, and no one cares. I'm sure everyone is facing their own problems and I push away anyone who could ever care about me. It's just hopeless. I am broken. I cannot create anything meaningful, yet I crave it so much. I want to blame all the things that happened in my youth, but I think it's just me. Therapists will spew the "it gets better" but it hasn't and it won't. I feel alien to everyone around me, the way they can all just laugh and talk about anything and create connections. I keep putting myself out there but it just ends in failure and humiliation. Even reading this back I sound like a self pitying prick. I just want to feel alive. I have had this gaping whole in my chest since I can remember and it makes doing anything feel so daunting and impossible. It is hard to imagine the world wouldn't be better off without me.