Venting I feel awful

[88124540]

It feels weird being on here again. the last time I was on here I was in an extremely abusive relationship, and was getting up the courage and money to buy N.
I feel so upset with myself, I was getting better and I was improving, I was learning how to manage for the most part but the depression won't leave. I transfered to a new college and started feeling like I might have a future, but then my boyfriend at that times roommate assaulted me(violent, not sexual this time), and everyone was talking about how much of a pussy I was for reporting it and how shit of a girlfriend I was for not trusting his roommate, and then one night he followed me around my dorm and I just went apeshit, drove off, thought about driving my car off the road. A friend called and convinced me to come back, and they moved me to a different building to be more safe but I just couldn't stay. I mad eanother bad decision texting that ex again tonight.
since then I've had no direction. I'm back at my parents house, I have very few friends, I'm back to only seeing people outside of my family once every 2 weeks or so, and hanging out with people outside of my family maybe once every month or 2. One of the only friends who talked to me regularly sexually harassed me, so I dont even really text people regularly.
I'm in a partial hospital program, I like it a lot, the other group members are so helpful and I like my therapist, but that's part of why I feel so guilty to end up here again.
I'm so scared, thinking about suicide in this capacity always made me feel so uneasy but it often feels like the only way to escape the depression and constant betrayal and abuse.
I almost purchased N last year but now I find out the seller isn't selling it anymore, and that no pnes selling it anymore. I wish I bought it, but then again I don't know if I'd really want to go through with it. and I don't know why.
I don't see a future for myself, not one that's happy or healthy for me and anyone else in my life.
I wish things could be truly better.
Thank you for anyone reading, I appreciate it

 

[nopointinlivingg]

I relate to so much of this. Not sure what to add other than I hope you find peace, by whatever means you find appropriate. Life and other people can be so cruel. It seems like a fools game for people who feel to try and be happy in this world.

 

[jodes2]

I hope you do start to feel better about things again soon *hugs* maybe not being able to get N for the moment is a sign you need to give things a chance sorry you've been through so much

 

[downndone2]

I can relate on the N ordeal. I almost bought it before it was hard to find, then started feeling better, and left the site for a bit

Now I'm more miserable than ever and right back 2 where I was

I do hope you are able to get thru what is going on and find a way to keep movng forward with life though

If not, I hope you find peace

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is unfortunate how the option of N isn't avaliable, but sadly it's just the reality. I just think the truth is that you cannot really trust people as so many of them will just create more suffering and treat other people so badly. It's just so incredibly unfair what you've had to endure, this world certainly is such an awful place.