Venting i feel awful again

[bugs_for_brains]

late last year i thought things were actually improving for me. i was so excited to kill myself at that point but then an old friend reached out so i waited. n e ways, we ended up in a relationship and it was like all of my problems were gone or drastically decreased. i love(d?) her so much and my mind was entirely occupied by her 24/7 so it was like, i could be in the shittiest position in life but i didn't even care bc i was so focused on her and her life. the relationship also forced me to become stronger bc she had bpd and so was super anxious n stuff so it kinda helped me put my own anxiety aside even if i still felt it a little bc i wanted to be able to just be there for her without burdening her further.

anyway she broke up with me randomly a while ago after basically starting to ignore me all the time. i found her twitter acc (ik i shouldnt have looked but i was confused af and she wouldnt communicate to me at all) and saw she was entertaining a guy whilst we were supposed to be together and she was telling me the reason she wasnt talking to me was purely bc she was struggling. She was posting abt wanting guys in her dms and just a lot of weird shit like that. i found her posting some hurtful things like that at a time when we had literally just been on call and she was telling me how much she loved me. she also acts like i dont exist whatsoever, posting abt the "most recent" person she dated and talking abt the person before me, her friends that i dont even speak to randomly blocked me too so she obviously said something. I got super mad and blocked her on everything. i was sick of trying to talk to her and being blatantly ignored (though every time i stopped trying to talk to her, she would send a message or smth to make me respond, where she would proceed to ignore me again). Theres more i was gonna say but i dont really feel like writing much anymore. the point is im depressed as shit

oh i also had to block my best friend (online) bc he keeps having bad episodes and recently(?) became obsessed with and very delusional about me (accusing me of lying and believing every person he speaks to online/our mutual friends is just me), telling me he loves me and "knows" i love him too. I dont think its good for him or appropriate for me to keep talking to him anymore after everything that was said even if i know he wasnt fully in control that night especially since its all online and really easy for him to get confused or paranoid. theres a lot more i could say but like i said i am done typing LOL. but yes i am alone again

 

[Darkover]

i've been feeling awful every day for the last 8 years due to a brain injury in a constant state of discomfort

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry for your situation. It's not massively fair of me to judge your ex but, she does sound very manipulative. I know that doesn't exactly help you although, maybe it's a reason to at least try to take it less personally. It does sound as if she enjoys stringing people along.

I suspect relationships can be complicated. Bringing the most pleasure but also, the most pain. I'm sorry things didn't work out.