Help I feel as if I'm the bubonic plague

[vinie]

I feel as if I'm the plague to him.

He broke our relationship off almost two months ago, with the reasoning behind it being his deteriorating mental health. I completely understood his decision, although it had hurt me a lot. It pained me to a point where I was trying to reach out to him in order to provide the sense of security that he had previously given a lot of credit to. Our last interaction was more than a month ago, while my final initiative was three weeks ago with a suicide note that I had left for him. I believe that he has read it, but I never discussed it with him, nor my failed ctb attempt. He might be completely unaware that I had tried to take my life that night.

Nevertheless, I've decided to focus on my own wellbeing, hence I have been meeting new people and perusing closer relationships with those that I care about. Yet, the more I continue on into recovery, the more he seems to be simply running away from me. This has become extremely pronounced with my newfound close friendship with a certain guy (who apparently had feelings for me in the past). He has started avoiding areas that I usually occupy, has stopped taking the shortcuts that pass through my space, as well as both metaphorically and literally has crossed to the other side of the street instead of passing by me. He even left a birthday party as soon as me and my friend showed up and has skipped workdays because of it. If he dares to come close, he just maliciously glares at me. I completely understand this occurring shortly after a break-up; it is natural after all. I avoided seeing him for quite a while, but garnered the courage to face him with my chin up overtime. Though I do still love him deeply, I am not bothered by his presence.

I just do not understand why is he doing this now. As he was the first one to try focusing on himself, I thought he wouldn't be hiding away from me after a while, especially consider the fact that he was making far less drastic approaches to avoiding me shortly after the break-up. It makes me terribly uncomfortable and guilty. My anxiety has become downright intolerable and I have lost some weight because of the nausea that comes with it. I fear that I might have done something wrong, though I am not too sure.

Thank you :)

 

[OrcWitch]

I'm not sure how to phrase this gently, I hope it doesn't sound critical or like I don't respect how you're feeling.

I think most people need a period of no-contact after a breakup. Even brief smalltalk about what you both had for lunch can reopen the wound. This might be what he has decided because speaking to you kept resetting his recovery. It has nothing to do with your worth as a person.

 

[vinie]

I'm not sure how to phrase this gently, I hope it doesn't sound critical or like I don't respect how you're feeling.

I think most people need a period of no-contact after a breakup. Even brief smalltalk about what you both had for lunch can reopen the wound. This might be what he has decided because speaking to you kept resetting his recovery. It has nothing to do with your worth as a person.

I completely agree with what you said. I was not planning on speaking to him as it hurts both of us. Besides, I am the one that decided on cutting off all contact. As I previously mentioned, I avoided seeing him after the break-up. I still do, but I do not go out of my way to prevent it (such as leaving social gatherings). What bothers me is that he is doing that now and in ways that make me feel as if I should not exist.