I feel as if I don't fit in anywhere

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I was a part of this Facebook group that dealt with codependency. I was reccomeded it on reddit and, at first, it was perfect.

I loved the members, the leader, and had a great time. I even formed bonds with other members who I am still in contact with today

However, I have been distancing myself from the group and looking back at may experiences. I have left the group a total of 6 times. Partly due to my BPD spirals where I would leave and regret it, but now I wonder if its right for me

I feel like throughout life I am just never wanted by anyone. That life wants me to give up and die. I am just a piece of dust to the universe. I think, we have to realize that not everyone can get help or gain the happiness and peace that is often portrayed in society. With over 7 billion people some are bound to fall through the cracks

I am one of them

 

[VabeniPokojneTmy]

I have tendencies to leave communities I began to like, out of blue I am disgusted with it and I dont wath to have anything with those people. I just move on every time and it surely makes me more lonly every time I leave a community but on the other side i have a feeling it makes me stronger. Still the loneliness caused by not fitting anywhere is unbereable sometimes.
Stay strong :)

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I feel you. My BPD has made me leave all groups I was ever a part of, and it makes me question all my beliefs and views every few months. It has gotten to a point where I really do not recognize the person I became and I struggle to remember the person I once was, when I had at least some hope and some thoughts and ideas about the world. I've been alone for long stretches of time and I do not know how to approach people anymore or why even bother. I tried to fit in in many groups, but the feeling of connectedness is so fleeting and lasts only for a very short time. I don't want to go through 30+ more years of the same crap. My emotional maturity is on the same level as it was 15 years ago, I am not progressing, no matter how hard I try. I just want it all to end.

 

[TAW122]

I had similar experiences both IRL and online as well. I've contemplated on just deleting my FB especially after having people decline my friend requests, not getting to be a part of any group or really fitting in; mostly just background noise with the occasional superficial interaction with others. I may (at one point, when I was younger) had some friends who would hang out with me and initiate conversation/contact with me (without me having to reach out or almost 'beg' for it), but nowadays none.

The same thing happened IRL and I'm generally really lonely. Only people act like they want to befriend me but more oftenly than not, they don't really care. I suppose I too, am just not made for this world. A bunch of delusional people oftenly spew platitudes like "you just haven't found your niche!", "you haven't tried hard enough!", "you didn't reach out to (insert group name)!", etc. It's just really dismissive and unhelpful. But tell them that and they would get really upset and defensive, verbally hostile towards me.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I had similar experiences both IRL and online as well. I've contemplated on just deleting my FB especially after having people decline my friend requests, not getting to be a part of any group or really fitting in; mostly just background noise with the occasional superficial interaction with others. I may (at one point, when I was younger) had some friends who would hang out with me and initiate conversation/contact with me (without me having to reach out or almost 'beg' for it), but nowadays none.

The same thing happened IRL and I'm generally really lonely. Only people act like they want to befriend me but more oftenly than not, they don't really care. I suppose I too, am just not made for this world. A bunch of delusional people oftenly spew platitudes like "you just haven't found your niche!", "you haven't tried hard enough!", "you didn't reach out to (insert group name)!", etc. It's just really dismissive and unhelpful. But tell them that and they would get really upset and defensive, verbally hostile towards me.

I really like your philosophy

I think many people unconcsicouly try to be say typical platitudes because they dont know anything else. And trying to understand beyond what they know leads to them getting frustrated and you being blamed. That being said I am guilty of this as well. Humans are the worst

 

[itsamadworld]

I have BPD and I deleted my Fake-book four years ago. It's becoming more commonplace for many. Many relationships in general got ruined by facebook! We're the guinea pig generations to socialmedia.....plus, relationships can be a tough one with BPD, as I'm sure you well know....I had to give myself grace and delete myself from that type of social media, which is too open to people's biased opinions, and I felt empty in the typical super shallow conversations or photos full of bragging..... Emotions can get intense with BPD, so I felt better not engaging too much in situations that can be troublesome for me.

 

[Muirthemne]

Also have BPD and feel similarly. I'm better than average at reining in my impulsiveness, so I usually managed to resist the urge, but I often have the urge to flee any groups I'm a part of. I had a very unusual and isolated upbringing, and I feel like there's this giant chunk of life experience I'm missing that will always set me apart from anyone else. And wherever I go I just feel like the biggest loser in the room. I mean, what kind of guy still has never been on a date at my age? Sometimes I want to flee just to escape the shame.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Thank you to all the responses. All were very kind

BPD is, sadly, a pain. I wonder would like would be like if BPD wasn't real. I feel I am defected because of it and, in a fucked up way, I want to protect people from myself by not existing

 

[Torbasco]

Thank you to all the responses. All were very kind

BPD is, sadly, a pain. I wonder would like would be like if BPD wasn't real. I feel I am defected because of it and, in a fucked up way, I want to protect people from myself by not existing

My mental shortcomings make me feel the same way. But you can still try to get help and get it treated. I isolated myself from everyone out of fear of hurting them, but I feel like that just hurts so much to bear.

 

[Muirthemne]

BPD is, sadly, a pain. I wonder would like would be like if BPD wasn't real. I feel I am defected because of it and, in a fucked up way, I want to protect people from myself by not existing

Man, I really feel that. Part of the reason I stayed isolated so long is I felt I had a duty to protect the world from myself. I used to say to myself, "Somewhere out there is the girl of my dreams, whom I would love and who would love me back, and I need to stay far the hell away from her so I don't ruin her life like I ruin everything else."

I hope you understand, though, that BPD makes you feel defective, but it doesn't mean you are defective. People like us have been hurt or deprived of something we needed, and it makes us believe we must be broken to have suffered like this.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I had a very unusual and isolated upbringing, and I feel like there's this giant chunk of life experience I'm missing that will always set me apart from anyone else.

I feel absolutely the same, and I know that nothing I do in the future will help me catch up on the experiences I should have had years ago.

 

[WatermelonMel]

However, I have been distancing myself from the group and looking back at may experiences. I have left the group a total of 6 times. Partly due to my BPD spirals where I would leave and regret it, but now I wonder if its right for me

I feel you, sometimes I feel like getting away from everything I'm involved with and remove friends or leave groups then the next minute I am filled with embarrassment and regret.

 

[FriendofDeath]

Growing up I felt different - I hated the fact that I was human. I can never understand hate and cruelty and I grew sick and tired of people asking how I was when they didn't care and usually didn't even listen. I never did the regular social route - the dating, engagement, marriage and family. When it came to jobs, I bored quickly and would move on. I like that I am different now. I like that people of all ages and orientations feel comfortable and trust me to do the best that I can for them. And then the most wonderful gift of all, my son. I sort of fit in for awhile. But he passed away and my differentness stood out even more. Self isolated, got sick, broken heart and battered soul. But you know what? My differentness here is accepted and sometimes even celebrated. Thank you for that!

 

[Iamamistake]

I don't have BPD but leaving communities where I start to love people out of blue is so relatable. I thought I was the only one who used to do it until reading this thread, mean as this may sound it's comforting to read that I ain't the only one who does it, it's as when things seem as if something is missing or something will get wrong or some reason I can't seem to explain to even myself. I feel awful about myself when they message to ask why did I leave and to join there again. I want to say something that would sound sensible but the honest reasons would be senseless and lame. It has been almost a year since I left my last writing community, at times I miss those ppl, at times I wish I could have explained something.
But joining any community is a struggle, even when I want to be there, cuz of my emotionally abusive parents (the characteristics of emotional abusive that I've had read about this matches very well with them, so I g I could say so), who don't seem to recognise personal boundaries, I usually end up installing and uninstalling apps and deleting messages on social media, which is exhausting. Yet I'm too introvert to have friends irl, and online it's easy to talk to people, though atm it has been comments since I've chatted with anyone, as sometimes I want to go back to those groups but feel afraid of the way I left everything and other times just want to have a do-over.
Irl, I used to have a few friends who abandoned me and other friends from whom I distanced myself, some intentional and some unintentional. Whichever way I don't understand but it happens all the time~ after a while of knowing people, starting to love them, I just feel like not being there anymore. It's something I usually pretend isn't the case~ but I do think that I couldn't be more alone or perhaps the thing is that I never learned socialization.
Wish that I could say something comforting about BPD/it's supposed to be borderline personality disorder, right? though idk anything about it except that it's a disorder.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Man, I really feel that. Part of the reason I stayed isolated so long is I felt I had a duty to protect the world from myself. I used to say to myself, "Somewhere out there is the girl of my dreams, whom I would love and who would love me back, and I need to stay far the hell away from her so I don't ruin her life like I ruin everything else."

I hope you understand, though, that BPD makes you feel defective, but it doesn't mean you are defective. People like us have been hurt or deprived of something we needed, and it makes us believe we must be broken to have suffered like this.

True. I was abused so badly that my own mom told me I should have died because I am a burden. Looking back, I dont think I should have started this healing journey. Its a mess. I hate it. healing doesn't work for everyone. It'll take me years till I ever achieve what so many people take for granted. Friends, romance, so and so forth. If I give up now I can stop the pain and be at peace but....dying is hard. Why cant I die and not feel regret? I am such a fucking coward. I am a coward because I cant look at death and say "I am ready for you!"

 

[Muirthemne]

I feel absolutely the same, and I know that nothing I do in the future will help me catch up on the experiences I should have had years ago.

Yeah, ditto. :(

True. I was abused so badly that my own mom told me I should have died because I am a burden. Looking back, I dont think I should have started this healing journey. Its a mess. I hate it. healing doesn't work for everyone. It'll take me years till I ever achieve what so many people take for granted. Friends, romance, so and so forth. If I give up now I can stop the pain and be at peace but....dying is hard. Why cant I die and not feel regret? I am such a fucking coward. I am a coward because I cant look at death and say "I am ready for you!"

I'm sorry your mom said that to you. That's awful.

Aside from worse abuse than I had, though, this post reads like something I could have written. I know exactly how you feel.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Yeah, ditto. :(



I'm sorry your mom said that to you. That's awful.

Aside from worse abuse than I had, though, this post reads like something I could have written. I know exactly how you feel.

Yeah. Life is a bitch aint it