MellowAvenue
👻
- Nov 5, 2020
- 658
Hi, Uh, I'll open by saying I really wasn't sure where to put this. I initially started typing this in the introduce yourself forum but as I just started typing it I realized I was rambling and basically already venting and figured I should put it here for now. If an admin wants to remove it that's fine, I'll move it back to the introduction page.
I am a 26 year old male who has basically been an accountless lurker here on and off for years. It's one of the few places that doesn't seem to be full of people offering sunshiney dribble but rather a blend of realistic positivity and negativity.
I have never actually brought myself to inflict bodily harm upon myself, but I've had suicidal thoughts for years since high school. My senior year was the closest I had ever came to actually doing it; I had committed to a date and a place but made the mistake of writing my Suicide note a week early. My parents found out and put me into therapy. It never really took, and I was under the impression that I annoyed and irritated my parents with my thoughts. My Dad, who I had a complicated relationship with, didn't surprise me but my Mom, who was always so loving and understanding, it... It honestly felt like something of a betrayal. I'm sure she just didn't really know how to accept that I had those thoughts.
Anyway, my family was always distant with one another and as such my only real support network was my immediate parents, both of which have now passed away. My Mom died for reasons I've never understood (It's a whole other story) while my Dad basically drank himself to death. Due to a highly dysfunctional home life I really didn't make many friends and never learned how to drive, which I still don't know how to do.
Now I'm homeless. I do technically have a roof over my head and I do have a job but it still feels like I'm trapped in a never ending cycle. I work a grueling 12 hour, usually 7 days a week job and I was able to trick myself into thinking things were looking up for a time, even becoming a shift lead, but slowly the stress, the toxicity of the work environment that's been getting worse, and just realizing I don't have the means to practically leave this place... It's caught up to me. My depression has caused me to miss more and more work as I can't even bear the thought of leaving my "home" much less going into that hellhole and even when I do I'm just going through the motions. My employers have noticed and are threatening to terminate me if I don't straighten out. I've found myself looking more and more into possible ctb methods (I think it I ever do it it will be via hanging but IDK), and I'm really at the point where I'm trying to decide if I want to see 2021 or not. Every day it feels like I will never achieve my actual dream and that I squandered whatever potential I had a long time ago.
Really all that is tethering me to this world right now is my best, and really only, friend who isn't the type to talk about this stuff with. Very much a "toughen up" kind of dude and I respect that but he simply does not understand my situation. I'll admit my situation isn't the worst, I've read stuff on here that is significantly more dire, but I just can't seem to find the pieces to put myself together.
Anyway sorry this is such a disconnected ramble and thanks for just reading it. I would really appreciate any thoughts, whether it be advice or whatever.
I am a 26 year old male who has basically been an accountless lurker here on and off for years. It's one of the few places that doesn't seem to be full of people offering sunshiney dribble but rather a blend of realistic positivity and negativity.
I have never actually brought myself to inflict bodily harm upon myself, but I've had suicidal thoughts for years since high school. My senior year was the closest I had ever came to actually doing it; I had committed to a date and a place but made the mistake of writing my Suicide note a week early. My parents found out and put me into therapy. It never really took, and I was under the impression that I annoyed and irritated my parents with my thoughts. My Dad, who I had a complicated relationship with, didn't surprise me but my Mom, who was always so loving and understanding, it... It honestly felt like something of a betrayal. I'm sure she just didn't really know how to accept that I had those thoughts.
Anyway, my family was always distant with one another and as such my only real support network was my immediate parents, both of which have now passed away. My Mom died for reasons I've never understood (It's a whole other story) while my Dad basically drank himself to death. Due to a highly dysfunctional home life I really didn't make many friends and never learned how to drive, which I still don't know how to do.
Now I'm homeless. I do technically have a roof over my head and I do have a job but it still feels like I'm trapped in a never ending cycle. I work a grueling 12 hour, usually 7 days a week job and I was able to trick myself into thinking things were looking up for a time, even becoming a shift lead, but slowly the stress, the toxicity of the work environment that's been getting worse, and just realizing I don't have the means to practically leave this place... It's caught up to me. My depression has caused me to miss more and more work as I can't even bear the thought of leaving my "home" much less going into that hellhole and even when I do I'm just going through the motions. My employers have noticed and are threatening to terminate me if I don't straighten out. I've found myself looking more and more into possible ctb methods (I think it I ever do it it will be via hanging but IDK), and I'm really at the point where I'm trying to decide if I want to see 2021 or not. Every day it feels like I will never achieve my actual dream and that I squandered whatever potential I had a long time ago.
Really all that is tethering me to this world right now is my best, and really only, friend who isn't the type to talk about this stuff with. Very much a "toughen up" kind of dude and I respect that but he simply does not understand my situation. I'll admit my situation isn't the worst, I've read stuff on here that is significantly more dire, but I just can't seem to find the pieces to put myself together.
Anyway sorry this is such a disconnected ramble and thanks for just reading it. I would really appreciate any thoughts, whether it be advice or whatever.
