If the situation is as you present it, because your friend is not here to state his side of things, these are my observations and how I interpret them:
Your friend does not accept you as you are nor want you as you are. He wants you to be someone else. You are not that person, and you cannot become who you are not. Your consistent actions reveal what he can predictably expect from you, so if he is hurt by predictable actions, then he is responsible for placing boundaries of protection so that he will not experience predictable hurt. A reasonable boundary would be to place distance between him and you, likely permanent, as you will not be changing the near future, if at all, nor do you have to. If you ever do, I think you will seek it and accomplish it only for your own benefit and not another's. I think also that you will recognize you didn't want him as he was, either.
You are not motivated to change, and there is no judgment on that. It would serve him for you to change, but not you. Your actions serve your wants and seek to serve your needs. They are opposed to his wants and needs. It is reasonable to see that your wants and needs are incompatible with his, and his with yours. What you want from him, he also is not capable of giving -- allowing you to continue to act as you choose. It is your right to do so, but it does not fit within this relationship.
I liken it to an alcoholic who wants to change, and gives power to the other over that, but also resents them for interfering with what they want, and acts on that resentment in hurting and disempowering ways, chipping away at their values and their foundations, and therefore not actually ceding to the power they gave to other. At the same time, they keep their focus distracted from deciding what they want their own values and foundations to be, and pursing building them for themself and no one else. That last part is self-respect, no one else can provide it or build it. When one respects themselves, they demand and expect others to respect them, and don't give them power if they don't. They avoid intimacy with such people. Your friend also does not respect himself, or he would not let you in where he knows you will undermine.
In short, the relationship is one of enmeshment rather than clear boundaries in which each is autonomous and connects with the other as they are, by choice, in mutually respectful and consciously reciprocal ways. Each of you rejects what is offered yet seeks to take it in ways which are not offered, which leads to feeling robbed, harmed, resentful, victimized, and not in control. You each make promises you are incapable of keeping, offering what you cannot deliver. It is a situation of mutual manipulation rather than mutual acceptance and deep respect, with wins that harm the other and constantly draining losses. It is a situation of addiction, on each of your parts, seeking something unobtainable and falsely attaching to that, rather than attaching to and respecting your own selves first, and then, with informed consent, attaching safely and respectfully to one another, negotiating boundaries only after they have been proven to be recognized and respected, and consciously maintaining respect and awareness so that boundaries can be redefined when needed, and made less flexible until each proves to the other than it is safe once again to renegotiate them.
I understand on both parts a fear of losing the other, because the loss of the false anchor reveals there is no anchor at all. This is why trustworthy external support is so important, in order to help one find their own anchors, not dictating to them what their own anchors are or should be. If one-on-one human support is not available, or in conjunction with them, there are books written by humans which can help to develop the needed internal support. I highly recommend the book Boundaries, with the caveat that it is written from a Christian perspective and can at times have a preachy and judgmental tone, but it contains solid information and tools, and is widely used by secular professionals and people seeking help. I found it late in my journey, and I have found it to be more valuable than almost any other resource I encountered prior.
In conjunction with the book In Sheep's Clothing, which is about manipulation tactics, yet written by someone who also displays subtly manipulative behaviors, those two sources combined have proven to me more informative and solidly helpful than anything I have come across in my decades of healing from controling relationships that taught me maladaptive ways of getting my needs and wants met. I no longer get sucked in to others sucking off of me, taking what I do not offer or taking what I offer in ways other than how I offer it, nor get drawn to me feeding off of them. When I do fall into those traps, I am able to come back to awareness and detach much more quickly and painlessly each time, recover well, reaffirm and build even more strongly my values and foundations, and move forward even stronger, capable, adaptable, and aware of myself internally and of what is external. I am more alone, and yet I am more comfortable because I know what I can reasonably expect and don't seek what isn't available. I am connected with myself. I don't share all of this to be preachy, but to say that I understand, I do not judge, and to provide anecdotal evidence that what I suggest can potentially serve you in your own unique life, should you consider my observations, analysis, and suggestions. I have no attachment to you considering, accepting, or pursuing any of them. That is always under your control.
In closing, I'm sharing a poem by an anonymous author that was published in the book The Courage to Heal, and which reflects my own journey that I've shared. I am not always at part V, sometimes I am at part III or IV. The further I am from part I, the less pain and harm I experience, from myself or others, and the more easily I recover from that which I do. I am quite satisfied to have come that far.
I wish you the very best, including your own satisfaction, self-determination, and self-control, but only if you seek them for yourself, and as you define them. It is not about my desires for or definition of you, but those that you choose for yourself.
Autobiography In Five Short Chapters
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my responsibility.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
In stanza III, I changed "fault" to "responsibility," as I had it in my notes where I first copied the poem. I prefer responsibility to fault in this context, as it feels empowering rather than condemning. Condemnation keeps me stuck in holes much longer than necessary.
