Venting I failed again

[LastBusHome]

As of about an hour ago, I had another failed attempt. This time it wasn't a mechanical failure to blame. I backed out. I'm not sure if it just felt too real knowing I left notes and instructions behind. I'm not sure how badly I even wanted to die in the first place. I'm not sure I had a good enough reason to go.

I'm at a fork in the road where I either confess and deal with the fallout or head to a gun range to access a firearm and end it. The problem with my original method is there's too much time to think. A gun is less open to bargaining.

I don't know anymore man. I appreciated the support. If anything it's comforting knowing that none of us are alone in this. I'm grateful for this community, as morbid as it may be. I wish that you all find peace with whatever demons you're grappling with.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm really sorry that your attempt failed again. It's so frustrating. But, and don't get me wrong here, perhaps you are not really ready to go?
I wish you all the best and the community here is happy that you are still with us! It helps a lot to know that one isn't alone out there!

 

[charlotte_]

This must be really stressing to you right now, but please don't blame yourself over it. Us humans are made to be afraid or stressed about death to an extent, so it's totally reasonable that this isn't working for you right now. Perhaps you should spend some time reflecting on why you want to die and the circumstances of your life - what you could change and what not, to make the right decision next time.

 

[LastBusHome]

I'm really sorry that your attempt failed again. It's so frustrating. But, and don't get me wrong here, perhaps you are not really ready to go?
I wish you all the best and the community here is happy that you are still with us! It helps a lot to know that one isn't alone out there!

I think I've become more of a fence sitter since meeting my partner. The ideation is always there, don't get me wrong, but I think this attachment has been holding me back. I couldn't give a shit about my family with the exception of my youngest sibling. But knowing I'd be leaving my partner like that has me racked with guilt and man, I just don't know anymore. I might just give life another chance since I know that if things go sideways, this is an option.

Man I haven't got a scooby anymore. I just feel unsure.

This must be really stressing to you right now, but please don't blame yourself over it. Us humans are made to be afraid or stressed about death to an extent, so it's totally reasonable that this isn't working for you right now. Perhaps you should spend some time reflecting on why you want to die and the circumstances of your life - what you could change and what not, to make the right decision next time.

I appreciate your insight friend. I just feel very confused and embarrassed even. You're absolutely right though: I definitely got some serious thinking to do.

 

[gardenofaphrodite]

I think I've become more of a fence sitter since meeting my partner. The ideation is always there, don't get me wrong, but I think this attachment has been holding me back. I couldn't give a shit about my family with the exception of my youngest sibling. But knowing I'd be leaving my partner like that has me racked with guilt and man, I just don't know anymore. I might just give life another chance since I know that if things go sideways, this is an option.

Man I haven't got a scooby anymore. I just feel unsure.

I appreciate your insight friend. I just feel very confused and embarrassed even. You're absolutely right though: I definitely got some serious thinking to do.

This is how I feel, my partner is why I'm not sure if I can through with trying again yet. I really, really want to, I have a lot reasons to, some valid, some not, but he's a huge reason why I haven't. I love him, & I know he loves me - & I'm afraid if I go, he'll try to go simply on impulse. He still has a life he can enjoy, & I don't want to ruin that. I don't want to be the reason he falls head first into depression, he doesn't deserve that.

 

[LastBusHome]

This is how I feel, my partner is why I'm not sure if I can through with trying again yet. I really, really want to, I have a lot reasons to, some valid, some not, but he's a huge reason why I haven't. I love him, & I know he loves me - & I'm afraid if I go, he'll try to go simply on impulse. He still has a life he can enjoy, & I don't want to ruin that. I don't want to be the reason he falls head first into depression, he doesn't deserve that.

Couldn't have said it better. I feel seen. I appreciate the anecdote

God she has such a bright future I'd rather not ruin. As much as I love her a part of me wishes, for both our sakes, that we had never met.

 

[gardenofaphrodite]

Couldn't have said it better. I feel seen. I appreciate the anecdote

God she has such a bright future I'd rather not ruin. As much as I love her a part of me wishes, for both our sakes, that we had never met

This.

Deep down I wished I hadn't gotten with him, simply because I feel I will only cause hurt. He still has so much he can do, if I were to ruin it, I couldn't blame him for hating me when I'm dead. It would be entirely valid.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I think I've become more of a fence sitter since meeting my partner. The ideation is always there, don't get me wrong, but I think this attachment has been holding me back. I couldn't give a shit about my family with the exception of my youngest sibling. But knowing I'd be leaving my partner like that has me racked with guilt and man, I just don't know anymore. I might just give life another chance since I know that if things go sideways, this is an option.

Man I haven't got a scooby anymore. I just feel unsure.

I appreciate your insight friend. I just feel very confused and embarrassed even. You're absolutely right though: I definitely got some serious thinking to do.

I can feel with you. I'm in a similar situation that keeps me back. Not so long ago I had such a great opportunity to just do it, but partner (wife) and my mum made me hesitate, so I wasn't even close to the point, I stopped long before, l just prepared the things but didn't move on. Now I regret it. And I'm still trapped here.

Really things are not easy for us.

 

[LastBusHome]

This.

Deep down I wished I hadn't gotten with him, simply because I feel I will only cause hurt. He still has so much he can do, if I were to ruin it, I couldn't blame him for hating me when I'm dead. It would be entirely valid.

I can feel with you. I'm in a similar situation that keeps me back. Not so long ago I had such a great opportunity to just do it, but partner (wife) and my mum made me hesitate, so I wasn't even close to the point, I stopped long before, l just prepared the things but didn't move on. Now I regret it. And I'm still trapped here.

Really things are not easy for us.

In whatever form it may come, whether it's in death or in life, I hope we can find peace in spite of the obstacles standing in the way of that.

 

[FuneralCry]

After all suicide just isn't straightforward, I hate how difficult it is to finally leave this world. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[blacktulip44]

This is how I feel, my partner is why I'm not sure if I can through with trying again yet. I really, really want to, I have a lot reasons to, some valid, some not, but he's a huge reason why I haven't. I love him, & I know he loves me - & I'm afraid if I go, he'll try to go simply on impulse. He still has a life he can enjoy, & I don't want to ruin that. I don't want to be the reason he falls head first into depression, he doesn't deserve that.

this is exactly how i feel. i have a partner who i dont think deserves this pain, a young sister who has been through enough already, and my dear pets who i'd do anything for, and in this case the most painful thing i have been doing constantly for all of them is continuing to exist in this world. maybe someday i'll have the courage to leave them behind without feeling guilty, but i dont think i'm there yet. i dont know. somedays i feel like its my time, but when i get close to doing it, my mind gets wrapped up in all the pain i would be causing them.