suffering
Too p*ssy to end it, too suicidal to leave
- Aug 17, 2018
- 398
I'm trying to recover from my fail suicide "attempt" (I am being generous in calling it an attempt) and trying to leave this long episode of depressing realism behind. Not because I want to live, but because my SI prevents me from achieving freedom.
I have been isolated for a very long time and I am now trying to resume my career (I plan to work hard and earn enough money so I can live a life of solitude). Interacting with humans after months of pseudo-isolation is weird. The good: I feel more detached. The bad: I am clumsy and in a way I am also needy.
I just realized how I blew some negotiation stuff because I talked too much and revealed some 'weak hands'. Some part of me did it because I was tired and I overcompensated with a weak bluff, some part of me did it because I am an impulsive talker who hasn't talked in a long time. This is me on a time scale of interacting with people:
Initial contact: I am guided by emotion, I am too friendly, naive in a way
Post-initial contact: My brain takes over and my misanthropic, observant self returns.
I just wish I could stay at the second phase forever. But I just drift into friendly mode automatically at first. I guess I am just an idiot, a needy one. I always regret it. I don't even know how to fix it. I am one of the most self sufficient people I know, and still I fail to be as logical as I want to be. It's like I am naive enough to mess up, but smart enough to always realize my naivete and linger in regret afterwords. Not smart enough to remain "cool", but not stupid enough to remain ignorant.
Does anyone relate?
I have been isolated for a very long time and I am now trying to resume my career (I plan to work hard and earn enough money so I can live a life of solitude). Interacting with humans after months of pseudo-isolation is weird. The good: I feel more detached. The bad: I am clumsy and in a way I am also needy.
I just realized how I blew some negotiation stuff because I talked too much and revealed some 'weak hands'. Some part of me did it because I was tired and I overcompensated with a weak bluff, some part of me did it because I am an impulsive talker who hasn't talked in a long time. This is me on a time scale of interacting with people:
Initial contact: I am guided by emotion, I am too friendly, naive in a way
Post-initial contact: My brain takes over and my misanthropic, observant self returns.
I just wish I could stay at the second phase forever. But I just drift into friendly mode automatically at first. I guess I am just an idiot, a needy one. I always regret it. I don't even know how to fix it. I am one of the most self sufficient people I know, and still I fail to be as logical as I want to be. It's like I am naive enough to mess up, but smart enough to always realize my naivete and linger in regret afterwords. Not smart enough to remain "cool", but not stupid enough to remain ignorant.
Does anyone relate?
