Venting I envy totally lonely people.

[Sunset Limited]

I wish there wasn't even a person to mourn for me after I died. I would have already gone. I envy people who are lonely. My bedroom overlooks a park. I hear the voices of people and children in summer evenings. It would be great to lie on my bed and do CTB in that moment. I can't even die at home. I also have to face the fear of being caught in a fucking hotel room or being found after CTB. I will kill a mother's son and a daughter's brother. My sister can handle it, but my mother no. I still have to do it because I really have to.

Sometimes I don't believe the life I'm living is real. How could everything be so bad? Too awful to be true. Even as I die, I have to think about many things and make a plan. I am very angry with life. I'm not supposed to be in this equation. I am a foreigner here. I want to punch someone just like Truman.

 

[Nirrend]

Hi sweet @Sunset Limited

I'm sorry you're going through all this complicated stuff. ❤

When I read your words, I feel like I can feel your anger, the injustice you are going through, the pain that has been eating away at you for years..

I don't know you but, I have a feeling that you may have some "anti-social" person traits. If this is the case, I think I understand how you perceive life.

Maybe you think it's bland, that people aren't interesting, that relationships don't lead anywhere and I imagine it must be painful for you to feel stuck in a world where you don't recognize yourself. I imagine that sometimes you're afraid of being perceived as a monster, maybe you're hurting, I don't know and if I'm wrong forgive me for my words.

I know that when we have this kind of traits, things are complicated in terms of social relationships and life fulfillment.

Feeling emotions, developing and working on your empathy is not easy but, I'm sure it could help you a lot to feel better

Like me or not, it's certainly possible to get pleasure from other people's pain (and I'd never say that's your case because I don't know) just as it's possible to get happiness from the happiness you give to others!

I am not here to judge your words because you are angry but I think that at this moment, your suffering is beyond comprehension.

Do you think it is really reasonable to hurt others or to think such hard things?

As long as it doesn't go beyond words, I think it's understandable. But, I think it would be tragic to consider terrible acts, you would be hurting yourself and others.

If it makes you feel better to vent your hatred here, then do it. Maybe behind that anger is a gentle, kind, sensitive person, who knows? ❤

Why don't you consider making yourself happy by your presence so you can finally feel happy and loved? I'm sure you'd do fine

You know, I often think that people outside of everything we go through don't even suspect what real inner loneliness is like, thinking about suicide, struggling with life.

And, I think I understand you when you talk about finding that loneliness.

I understand this ideal, where ctb would be done in silence or accompanied by familiar, soothing sounds.

Nothing is more poetic than summer evenings, emotional music and being alone, with the desire to reach the unknown, the beyond

In short, I hear your suffering and I am sorry for it. Even if the world seems black to you, scratch lightly this layer of paint with us here, you'll see, after a while, we'll discover pretty colours that we didn't even suspect were there ❤

We love you here, this anger prevents you from being happy, express it here and from the bottom of my heart, I hope and believe that you can find your happiness

If I have been hurtful, forgive me, I know when tired, angry and some of my sentences can hurt!

I wish you the best

Love ❤

 

[SectOfValtiel]

Ha
If I wasnt so completely alone I probably wouldnt want to CTB in the first place
Any other feeling I could probably handle with someone by my side, and if I didnt feel this way regardless of what happens, maybe I *would* have someone by my side after all
Loneliness is top 3 worst feelings I have ever experienced
Its something that just grows and grows and grows and the pain from it seems to have no upper limit
Its a self-fulfilling prophecy and a deterrent to even trying to fix it
Not to mention, the idea that I could CTB and not be found until I was nothing but a rotting pile... that is terrifying to me

But I do understand what you mean
Its true that nobody would really miss me... maybe my mom and sister would cry but it would be over in a week at most, like I was never there
At least I cant hurt someone by hurting myself, thats something I am actually thankful for in the end
Im given the freedom to be selfish when I go

 

[Vul]

I wish there wasn't even a person to mourn for me after I died. I would have already gone. I envy people who are lonely. My bedroom overlooks a park. I hear the voices of people and children in summer evenings. It would be great to lie on my bed and do CTB in that moment. I can't even die at home. I also have to face the fear of being caught in a fucking hotel room or being found after CTB. I will kill a mother's son and a daughter's brother. My sister can handle it, but my mother no. I still have to do it because I really have to.

Sometimes I don't believe the life I'm living is real. How could everything be so bad? Too awful to be true. Even as I die, I have to think about many things and make a plan. I am very angry with life. I'm not supposed to be in this equation. I am a foreigner here. I want to punch someone just like Truman.

I am alone and no one is going to cry for me when I leave. That is infinitely worse.

 

[Sunset Limited]

Hi sweet @Sunset Limited

I'm sorry you're going through all this complicated stuff. ❤

When I read your words, I feel like I can feel your anger, the injustice you are going through, the pain that has been eating away at you for years..

I don't know you but, I have a feeling that you may have some "anti-social" person traits. If this is the case, I think I understand how you perceive life.

Maybe you think it's bland, that people aren't interesting, that relationships don't lead anywhere and I imagine it must be painful for you to feel stuck in a world where you don't recognize yourself. I imagine that sometimes you're afraid of being perceived as a monster, maybe you're hurting, I don't know and if I'm wrong forgive me for my words.

I know that when we have this kind of traits, things are complicated in terms of social relationships and life fulfillment.

Feeling emotions, developing and working on your empathy is not easy but, I'm sure it could help you a lot to feel better

Like me or not, it's certainly possible to get pleasure from other people's pain (and I'd never say that's your case because I don't know) just as it's possible to get happiness from the happiness you give to others!

I am not here to judge your words because you are angry but I think that at this moment, your suffering is beyond comprehension.

Do you think it is really reasonable to hurt others or to think such hard things?

As long as it doesn't go beyond words, I think it's understandable. But, I think it would be tragic to consider terrible acts, you would be hurting yourself and others.

If it makes you feel better to vent your hatred here, then do it. Maybe behind that anger is a gentle, kind, sensitive person, who knows? ❤

Why don't you consider making yourself happy by your presence so you can finally feel happy and loved? I'm sure you'd do fine

You know, I often think that people outside of everything we go through don't even suspect what real inner loneliness is like, thinking about suicide, struggling with life.

And, I think I understand you when you talk about finding that loneliness.

I understand this ideal, where ctb would be done in silence or accompanied by familiar, soothing sounds.

Nothing is more poetic than summer evenings, emotional music and being alone, with the desire to reach the unknown, the beyond

In short, I hear your suffering and I am sorry for it. Even if the world seems black to you, scratch lightly this layer of paint with us here, you'll see, after a while, we'll discover pretty colours that we didn't even suspect were there ❤

We love you here, this anger prevents you from being happy, express it here and from the bottom of my heart, I hope and believe that you can find your happiness

If I have been hurtful, forgive me, I know when tired, angry and some of my sentences can hurt!

I wish you the best

Love ❤

Most of your assumptions are wrong. I didn't give you enough hints to draw my character profile. No one is anti-social just because they wanted to punch someone. Everyone can be angry sometimes. Thanks for the good wishes though.

Ha
If I wasnt so completely alone I probably wouldnt want to CTB in the first place
Any other feeling I could probably handle with someone by my side, and if I didnt feel this way regardless of what happens, maybe I *would* have someone by my side after all
Loneliness is top 3 worst feelings I have ever experienced
Its something that just grows and grows and grows and the pain from it seems to have no upper limit
Its a self-fulfilling prophecy and a deterrent to even trying to fix it
Not to mention, the idea that I could CTB and not be found until I was nothing but a rotting pile... that is terrifying to me

But I do understand what you mean
Its true that nobody would really miss me... maybe my mom and sister would cry but it would be over in a week at most, like I was never there
At least I cant hurt someone by hurting myself, thats something I am actually thankful for in the end
Im given the freedom to be selfish when I go

"At least I cant hurt someone by hurting myself, thats something I am actually thankful for in the end
Im given the freedom to be selfish when I go"

That would be the most precious thing I could have right now.

 

[Nirrend]

Most of your assumptions are wrong. I didn't give you enough hints to draw my character profile. No one is anti-social just because they wanted to punch someone. Everyone can be angry sometimes. Thanks for the good wishes though.

"At least I cant hurt someone by hurting myself, thats something I am actually thankful for in the end
Im given the freedom to be selfish when I go"

That would be the most precious thing I could have right now.

This is why I said "I don't know and if I'm wrong forgive me for my words."

No problem, best wishes

 

[LONE WOLF.]

Ha
If I wasnt so completely alone I probably wouldnt want to CTB in the first place
Any other feeling I could probably handle with someone by my side, and if I didnt feel this way regardless of what happens, maybe I *would* have someone by my side after all
Loneliness is top 3 worst feelings I have ever experienced
Its something that just grows and grows and grows and the pain from it seems to have no upper limit
Its a self-fulfilling prophecy and a deterrent to even trying to fix it
Not to mention, the idea that I could CTB and not be found until I was nothing but a rotting pile... that is terrifying to me

But I do understand what you mean
Its true that nobody would really miss me... maybe my mom and sister would cry but it would be over in a week at most, like I was never there
At least I cant hurt someone by hurting myself, thats something I am actually thankful for in the end
Im given the freedom to be selfish when I go

@SectOfValtiel, l know just what you mean when you say how much you fear not being found until your a rotting pile! That is my worst fear too, l am trying to get on the waiting list for supportive housing but am aware it could take years as so few places are available in my area! 'Angry' is a understatement!

 

[SectOfValtiel]

@SectOfValtiel, l know just what you mean when you say how much you fear not being found until your a rotting pile! That is my worst fear too, l am trying to get on the waiting list for supportive housing but am aware it could take years as so few places are available in my area! 'Angry' is a understatement!

I was on the waiting list for it in my second year of therapy, actually, but I wasnt very self-sufficient at the time- couldnt afford to feed myself, no phone plan, no access to public transportation, plus I was taking care of a dog at the time- so I ended up not following through when they contacted me
And I regret it, that was back around 2017 so I probably would have found someplace by now if I had

 

[Sunset Limited]

I am alone and no one is going to cry for me when I leave. That is infinitely worse.

I know how loneliness makes you feel. I'm sorry about that, but remember that when you die, the pain will end. When I die, a mother and a sister will suffer for the rest of their lives. I don't think you want to buy this.

 

[JustSwingingTheD]

I wish there wasn't even a person to mourn for me after I died. I would have already gone. I envy people who are lonely. My bedroom overlooks a park. I hear the voices of people and children in summer evenings. It would be great to lie on my bed and do CTB in that moment. I can't even die at home. I also have to face the fear of being caught in a fucking hotel room or being found after CTB. I will kill a mother's son and a daughter's brother. My sister can handle it, but my mother no. I still have to do it because I really have to.

Sometimes I don't believe the life I'm living is real. How could everything be so bad? Too awful to be true. Even as I die, I have to think about many things and make a plan. I am very angry with life. I'm not supposed to be in this equation. I am a foreigner here. I want to punch someone just like Truman.

I know what you mean. I have nobody in my life except for my psychopath brother, he doesn't really care about me so i don't really care about him either, and he wont stop me from CTB. I feel like i could do it if i wanted now, i have the means and no-one holding me back.

It seems that i don't want to, not right now at least, but having the freedom to do so is very empowering.

 

[Sunset Limited]

I know what you mean. I have nobody in my life except for my psychopath brother, he doesn't really care about me so i don't really care about him either, and he wont stop me from CTB. I feel like i could do it if i wanted now, i have the means and no-one holding me back.

It seems that i don't want to, not right now at least, but having the freedom to do so is very empowering.

I hope you'll be happy and not have to manage your own euthanasia, my friend.

This is why I said "I don't know and if I'm wrong forgive me for my words."

No problem, best wishes

I can feel that you are a loving person. Best wishes.

 

[theboy]

me too
if I was all alone and no one wanted me, I would do it more willingly.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

I was on the waiting list for it in my second year of therapy, actually, but I wasnt very self-sufficient at the time- couldnt afford to feed myself, no phone plan, no access to public transportation, plus I was taking care of a dog at the time- so I ended up not following through when they contacted me
And I regret it, that was back around 2017 so I probably would have found someplace by now if I had

Yep l'm with you there too, have been caring for 2 Staffies for the past 23yrs until my Max passed away 7 month's ago, now l'm just playing the waiting game to see what comes first, Supportive housing or CTB

 

[FuneralCry]

I do believe that for many people actually going through with ctb is easier when they have nobody that they are leaving behind, they have nothing that keeps them here as long as they have their method.
I get that it can be hard to deal with knowing that others would be affected by your death, but after all grief and loss are simply inevitable in life. Eventually we will all die and lose everything. Your feelings are understandable, and I hope that when the time is right for you to leave, you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think it's difficult either way. People who are totally alone quite often got to the place they are in BECAUSE they are so lonely. They don't have anyone to worry about if they CTB but it's possible they may have never gotten to be that bad if anyone had given a shit about them- or- if they hadn't lost everyone they cared about and cared about them.

Still, I do get where you are coming from. I feel trapped here till my Dad goes because (for now), I don't feel like I can do it to him.

I know it comes from a place of love- because you don't want to hurt those left behind. Plus- also a place of frustration- that you feel you have to go on for them- even though every part of you wants to leave.

Still- imagine the cicumstances that lead to people having absolutely no one. Either all of their loving family and friends have died or abandoned them. Or- they were not wanted and neglected from choice and abandoned. Maybe they literally don't have any good memories of being cared for. I honestly can't say which is worse- both situations are awful. Best would be if we could do some Harry Potter level shit and obliterate (obliviate wasn't it?) the memories of us from our loved ones heads. Job done.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

I understand why u might say that. Sometimes loners look liberated because nobody cares about them so if they end their life few people will notice. Trust me, being a social outcast is not fun. Being lonely is painful, and sometimes it's not from not being around people.